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Chris' personal story

My story of abuse at the hands of a narcissist. My true love. We met on a Facebook app hot or not. She was hot. From that first picture I saw of her I knew that I wanted her. She was the most beautiful looking woman I'd ever seen. I messaged her asking how she was on this beautiful winters day. She replied saying im crazy because it was -17 at the time. We message a lot over the next couple of weeks. I was messaging other women at the same time but I knew she was the one. She made me smile every time I saw her message. I did meet up with another woman while I was talking to her but that was a mistake. A total mistake. Now the woman I met with was nice and I liked her but all the time I was with her I couldn't stop thinking of N. She was my world.

So after being stood up by N 3 times we finally met. I picked her up from work and we went for dinner. We talked and talked. I was so nervous around her because I was so much in love with her even on our first meet. I know it sounds strange but I was. We had messaged each other so much I did love her. I guess I fall in love really easily. After the date I was so nervous that I didn't know what to do. So I just dropped her off and sat in the car while she walked into her house. Once the door closed I could finally breathe. She was amazing. I didn't message her for a couple of days after that not because I didn't want to but because I thought I was so nervous on our date that I did not want to be rejected by her. She messaged me finally and again I could breathe. I could build a relationship with this beautiful wonderful woman. On Christmas Day she asked if she could come over to my house on Boxing Day. I said yes. Wow she wants to see me again. Holy crap. She actually likes me. My world has just been completed. I am the luckiest man alive. Our first kiss. Wow. The world actually stopped turning. Everything was slow motion. People search their whole life for that moment. I had found it. I had it. I wish I could explain the feeling. Words can not. Only people that have experienced it can understand. A side note I don't think I will ever find that feeling again. It only happens once in a lifetime. So we started dating. I think we rushed into things a bit too fast because it wasn't long before we were living in each other house. Weekends at mine weekdays at hers. We still went on dates for dinner and bars but we slept with each other most nights. In hindsight we should have slowed it down but I was so much in love with her I just wanted to spend every waking moment with her. So after a few months she asked me to marry her in Vegas I jumped at the chance. So far the perfect love story.

In the meantime we had our problems. Like the girl I met up with before I had even met her contacted her. She asked me about it and I did the wrong thing which I regret now. I lied. I told her that I didn't sleep with her. I was embarrassed about the one night stand and didn't want her to think less of me. I was wrong. I denied it all. Later she found out the truth. I broke her trust. Something that she didn't have much of because of her past. I don't want to talk about her past too much but she's had a lot of relationships and a lot of partners that have turned out bad. The fact is I really didn't know much about her past because the stories constantly changed. Her past was a mystery to me but I didn't care. I just wanted her. I didn't care about anything other than right now. There were warning signs before we married she would flip out over nothing. At that point she started to get aggressive. She hit me a couple of times but I brushed it off. I wanted her. So I asked her to move in with me she did. We were good and bad. We got married I loved her so much I just put aside the arguments and the abuse. Then it started to escalate. Every couple of months I'd get beaten. The reasons were beyond me. It seemed and I believe that she would look for reasons to justify her anger. At work the guys were constantly asking why I had black eyes and cuts and bruises all the time. I told them all kinds of lies to cover it up. They joked "did your wife hit you again for leaving the toilet seat up?". If only they knew how those statements affected me. They didn't know and I couldn't tell them. I was alone and isolated. But I loved her. After one beating I drove 3 hours to her mom's where she was staying with "I love you" in huge letters written all over my Jeep because I didn't want to lose her. After being beaten and kicked down the stairs I cried and grovelled at her feet for forgiveness even though I had no idea what I did wrong. After every beating I always apologized for the things I did wrong even though I didn't do any of them. Now for the hardest part of this story for me to write.

After a huge beating where I had to go to hospital because she tried to strangle me we split up. She stayed in my house but we lived separate lives. I looked at her Facebook and saw that she had posted that she was single. And there were all these younger good looking guys liking all her photos. I got depressed. I went on a chat room which was my only outlet. I had to stay anonymous. A guy I chatted to said he was a cross dresser and he's always getting attention for everyone. So I chatted to him. Just as friends. I would go to the bar where she was and see her with other guys. Laughing joking hugging swapping phone numbers. That hurt. Now what I did was wrong. Completely wrong but I had my reasons. We got back together a while later but still the same. She found out about the chat room. It went from once every couple of months to once a month. Now she had ammunition on me so every beating was backed up with "you're a faggot. You just want a dick not me". I loved her. Even though I had those images of her with other guys I wanted her. I forgave her. I gave up everything for her. She controlled me. The love I had for her was so great that I was willing to do anything for her. So I stopped talking to my family after she threatened my mother. She also messaged everyone I know and told everyone in the local bars that I was gay, that I wore women's lingerie and I beat her all the time. She isolated me from everyone. She had everyone believing her lies. I was trapped. A while later and another beating this time with a TV remote I had to get 8 stitches in my ear. So after I apologized again we got back together. She told me that she was going to remove the stitches for me as she didn't want me to go to the doctors. I had to sneak out and get them removed without her knowing. After another beating she went upstairs to have a bath. She called me up so I went upstairs. She was naked and jumped on me saying lets end this argument by having sex. She was really aggressive and I didn't want any part of it. I was thrown up against a wall and kissed against my will. I was grabbed and she tried to remove my pants. It was the most horrifying thing I've ever been through. The hate in her eyes was terrifying. So I pushed her off. This is where she flipped completely out. She phoned the police to say I was abusing her and that I was hitting her. She told me to run because the cops were on the way. That was exactly what she wanted so she could play the victim. I waited for the police. 3 cars turned up. I opened the door not knowing what was going to happen. 2 cops dragged me outside and started interrogating me. I was so scared. She sat on the stairs still naked telling these police complete lies. After a short while and me explaining what had happened. The police saw exactly what had happened as I had cuts, bruises and my head was split open and the only injuries she had was bruises to her fore arms where the punches she threw missed and hit my arms that were up to protect my face. The most horrific night of my life. I was almost raped and beaten then accused of rape and abuse. I still loved her. I forgave her. Another week another beating. We split up again. The usual happened. She went to bars and met with guys because she has this way of flirting even without knowing it. She has a way. She is beautiful. She can just look at a guy and he will be putty in her hands. I guess that's the problem I had with her. She didn't realize she did it. But every time I left her side there was another guy trying to chat her up. I dealt with it the only way I knew how. Ignored it because when I mentioned it she denied it. Another couple of months went by with the usual beating break up get back together. I told her everyday that she was beautiful. It was usually followed by "You're lying. Stop saying that. Don't lie to me". I wasn't. She is the most beautiful woman in the world. The final straw for me was after a beating she ran off to the bar as usual. 3 in the morning I went to look for her as usual. The doors were locked to the bar. I looked through the window and saw her kissing and with her hands down the pants of another woman. I watched for a while in disbelief then she started kissing the guys in there. I was in shock. I just drove off. And drove around not knowing what to do. But still after a while I forgave her again. She denied it even though I saw it with my own eyes I believed that I was mistaken. I still wanted her. I still loved her. The abuse continued. She would not accept anything I said. She still used what I did over and over again but denied everything she did. I still loved her. There was the weekly "You're a faggot. You don't love me." The control of everything. I couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't try helplines or look up things on the internet because she controlled everything and looked through my phone daily. I only had a work phone because she made me cancel my personal phone. She would call up customer's phones asking why their number was in my phone. She tracked my every movement. She would even know when I brought her flowers because she tracked my movements with the "find my friends" app. I loved her and accepted everything she threw at me. I become hollow. I was a zombie. There were moments of greatness, moments of love, but they were getting few and far between.

I could write a book of the experiences I have been through. These are just a few. So the end: she flipped out at me in a bar because I called her beautiful. Now I know what you are thinking. She said she was sick of me lying to her and flipped. She is beautiful. She is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. Still is. But she flipped and left me in the bar. I went home 1/2 hour later knowing what was in store. As soon as I walked through the door here it came. The usual "faggot you're a price of shit. You're not a man. You're a loser." And much more. So then the violence started. Glasses smashed punches thrown. Kicked hit with objects. All the time I just stood there and took it. What else could I do? I was trapped. If I left it would have been worse the next time. She left because she couldn't get a reaction from me. She so badly wanted me to hit back. That way she could be the victim. She was looking for a reason to justify her anger. It never came so she ran off. After 2 days of sleeping with my back leaning up against the bedroom door so that she couldn't attack me in my sleep, she messaged me asking if she could come back. It took all the courage I could muster to say yes but we are not getting back together. When every cell in my body screamed "you love her: apologize for what ever she thinks you have done and have her back." I had to be strong. I was finally done. I couldn't do this any longer. I still loved her. I still wanted to forgive her. I would have done anything for her. I was still hoping for an apology and then maybe I'd have forgiven her. The apology never came.

I loved her still. Every day I fought to remove the feelings I had for her. Every time I had a weak moment. I had to look at the empty shell I had become. I used to be a positive guy. I was the guy that got up at 6 on a Sunday to help out a buddy build his deck. The guy that would shovel my neighbours walk just so they didn't have to. The guy that gave money to charity and would give my last dollar to a homeless person so he could buy a coffee. Now I walked with my head down and didn't talk or make eye contact with anyone. I was unrecognizable to myself. I realized that she had taken everything that made me who I am away.

She lived in the basement. I ignored her invitations to meet for drinks to talk. I had to be strong. All the time scared for my life. I stood up to her and didn't know what was going to happen next. I think she realized that her control over me was gone because one day while I was at work a moving truck came and she took everything. Even most of my things but she was gone. That's all I cared about. So I changed the locks and breathed again. The hard part was I still wanted her. I still loved her. So I felt loss from losing her and relief from her being gone. Total confusion. I wanted her and didn't, both at the same time. Shortly after the internet bullying started. The threats, the name calling, the post on Facebook of how I cheated on her with a man. The post of "my husband wore my lingerie" which everyone I knew saw. She was trying to control what everyone thought of me. She was trying to tell everyone lies before I told them the truth so that they felt sorry for her. So she could play the victim. Even after she left me she still abused me. I thought it would never stop. Suicide came to mind. I was hopeless. I was lost. Why did I still love her? How did she have such a hold on me?

Then it came to me. She still controls me even now. So I chose not to be controlled. I choose to let karma take control of me. I choose to be the guy that I was before she destroyed him. That was why she fell in love with me. So I'm going to be that guy again. I'm going to find myself again. I'm going to rebuild better and stronger. My revenge will be to show her and everyone else that she dragged into my hell that I'm me. I'm Chris I'm the guy that this beautiful woman fell in love with. I'm the guy that helps others. So I volunteered at a domestic violence centre. I'm working on myself to get past the abuse. I even thanked my abuser for making me a better person. For helping me find the real me again. Now looking back I still love her and think about her every second of every day but then I think of who I am now compared to who she turned me into. I can smile at strangers now. I can hold my head up with no regrets. I can say I'm a survivor. I lived through hell and it made though the other side to see the light. I now have a great support group. I'm not going to mention names but I owe the people in it my life. True friends don't believe the lies and the people that do aren't meant to be in your life anyway.

I'm not going lie - I still cry at night. I still look over my shoulder constantly. I have to still message people to check if my ex is in a bar before I can leave the house. I'm still scared and still love her but I'm a work in progress. Everyday I get better. Every day I heal that little bit more. Everyday the scares get smaller and smaller.

So if you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship and can't see a way out, you have to take that gamble. The first step is the hardest but every step after that is a step towards happiness and ones true self. Towards healing.

Forgiveness was a big part of that healing. I have forgiven my abuser. I thanked her for making me stronger and for giving me a goal in life. Anger, hatred and resentment are not healthy feelings for victims. You have to let go of negativity and fill your life with positive thoughts. Fill your life with love. Fill it with beauty and wonder. Forgive even when your abuser doesn't want it. Choose to move forward and become everything you dream. Small steps everyday. It will be a long hard fight but it's totally worth it. A great woman once summed it up in 2 words:

"Stay strong."

We as victims have to help others to see that there is hope when everything seems hopeless. There is support when you feel alone. There is peace, love and happiness to be found. There will be love found with someone that understands your past, your weaknesses and supports you. Someone will be there to walk with you. You are not alone.

Chris. “A survivor”

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