TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Jul192019

Jason's personal story

Allow me to preface this by saying that I have been an abuser of women in my past as well as an addict of meth for nearly 20 years of my life up until I entered recovery on April 25, 2012 during my treatment for my addiction. God himself removed not only my meth addiction, but also removed from me the abusive behaviours that had afflicted me for many years by the white light experience God gifted me while I was still in treatment, nearly 7 years ago.

The reason for this email is that there is a great crisis/injustice in the child protection system here in Ramsey County, Minnesota as well as the domestic abuse system for men that are victims/survivors of domestic abuse. On October 18, 2018 I was violently attacked by my wife in front of my 22-month-old daughter and my 16-year-old step daughter. While my wife was beating me with a solid brass musical horse statue my step daughter tried defending me this enraged my wife to the point that she stopped attacking me and went to attack my step daughter who was holding my 22-month-old, but thank God my step daughter is able to defend herself. I have the whole incident audio recorded on my cell phone from beginning to end.

After I left my home that day, I had gone to my office where I took pictures of all the injuries she had inflicted on me. After speaking to a couple of different people, they urged me to go file a police report. I went to the police department in St. Paul Minnesota and sat down with an officer who took the report. The following Monday I had gone to file for an Order For Protection. After filing that, I went to the Domestic Abuse Project located in Minneapolis, MN where I had sat down with one of their representatives and informed them of what had happened the previous Thursday. The lady I had been talking with had informed me that they were mandated reporters and that she had to inform child protection of the incident. Upon her reporting the incident to them, child protection had informed her that they would not be perusing an investigation because the children were not the focus of the violence. Which is in direct contradiction to what had happened during the assault of not only me in front of them, but also when she turned from me to attack my step daughter that had been holding my 22-month-old.

I feel as though nobody is listening and if they are, the subject of being a man that is being abused is so taboo per se that I feel as though I’m supposed to just “man up” and forget about it. That is not something I’m willing to do. The one resource I should have had access to, Saint Paul Domestic Intervention, was not available to me the victim because my wife obtained their services. This is because it's based solely, I was told by them, on a “first come first serve basis” which leaves no help for the actual victim/s. I witnessed my mother being beat and raped, at a very young age and it affected me for years after. I can not nor will I take this sitting down. Change is so drastically needed to the system in an effort to protect our children from physical abuse, mental abuse, abuse in any form, and/or brutal violence that takes place in front of them. I implore you to help make this issue a need and not only a topic here in Minnesota, but across this great country of ours. I am in fear for my 22-month-old daughter because in 2006 my wife was charged with domestic strangulation of my step daughter when she was 4 years of age. If my wife had that capacity to strangle a 4-year-old what would then stop her from strangling a 2-year-old. I am getting zero help because of my gender and this injustice needs to change.

I got a call yesterday from the city attorney saying that they would not be pursuing charges against my wife because my step daughter corroborated my wife's story to investigators that I'm sure she did only out of fear of her mother and what may have happened if she didn't go along with it. There is a real injustice going on in societies around the world when it comes to this taboo issue of male victims and God willing I'm going to help change that some how, some way.

Monday
Jul012019

Clayton's personal story

I was in an 18 year abusive relationship with a covert Narcissist that the system has turned into a full blown psychopath, it is exactly like a drug addiction the more supply you get the more you need. Her negative advocacy lawyer hand-selected the judge! They fully supported her abusive behaviour and they seemed to believe that this will benefit women, with a total disregard for the children who were not even not even given a voice - a basic human right that they are entitled to. I am all for equality, but stopping the generational cycle of violence should be the common goal. I don't believe you can create equality by blatant biased behaviour. This male female school yard type shit must stop. The best interest of the children, I think not.

Our 2 young children are the new victims of her abuse and I am powerless to help them. Abusers love high conflict divorces because they can just blame that for the children's behaviour and everything else, if they can pin it on their target. The golden child, this dynamic is changed up to emotionally manipulate our daughter into following her handlers orders. Our 7 year old daughter is encouraged to very subtly and covertly abuse our son who is 4. Our daughter has anxiety problems - she will have massive problems later in life - and our son has behavioural problems, which of course the abuser has neglected to address as she fears being exposed. The general public have finally taken the blinkers off and can see the real problem but the courts? Will they acknowledge their errors or will they delude themselves into thinking they made the right call and the system is perfect. We all make mistakes. What defines us is how we deal with them.

I choose to let her go, as fighting back made things worse as I was easily manipulated, and experiencing mind control after devastating gaslighting before the discard. I have saved all my ammunition, she has none left, as I was recovering from the abuse and trying to work out what happened. Now I understand better than most so-called experts. I feel I am myself again and in a position to expose her and I expect the court of law to treat her the exact same way I was treated, which will give me the power to fix the problem for good.

Sunday
Jun232019

Colin's personal story

I first met my abuser when I was restoring my car, she was best friends to my sister. Overtime and with guidance from my mother saying I should take her out to buy her some new shoes we did start dating but she insisted on a chaperone which was quite often my sister and her boyfriend. We had only been dating a few weeks when my sister woke me up and said she didn't want to go out with me anymore because she was a rape victim and knew I would want more one day then a simple kiss on the cheek. I had the opportunity then to walk away and avoid the life changing nightmare I have now but I was young and full of empathy not knowing about rape or the effects of rape on someone.

We met up had a chat and resumed the relationship but I had to promise to keep the secret of prolonged rape as it was a family member and to make things worse her mother put her child into the situation of being raped with a known child abuser. Overtime at family functions I got to meet with the perpetrators the Uncle and Uncles brother then two brothers that were her mothers friend sons. There were others like a neighbour that she became friends with to watch football on TV. Instead of going to school she was quite often bunk off to be with friends drinking. She said to me that her friends in school would often talk about their boyfriends and kissing. My abuser would think "if only they knew I had done much more than that." My abuser said that when she stayed at her uncle's house which she eventually lived at she would often pretend to be asleep so the uncle would then turn to his daughter to perform sexual acts with his brother.

Although my abuser had been groomed to say nothing, I too was groomed to say nothing. My abuser would have secret meetings with her uncle while we were dating but I was told only watch him masturbate. She even started a sexual relationship with her uncle's daughter.

As she got older she began to understand that what she went through as a child was abnormal and wrong and I quite often said to her on a regular basis to tell her mother. What she didn't understand was that she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome that we later discovered at a rape crisis centre here in Australia.

Drinking played a major part in my abuser's life starting off with cider then on to babycham onto flavoured alcoholic drinks then to spirits like vodka and the last the triple strength distilled vodka. I was never a drinker but my abuser soon taught me over the years as I unknowingly become the enabler.

I started to suffer from financial abuse as my abuser with no qualifications didn't want to work in fear that she would be recognised as a rape victim so finances were tight bringing up a family. We had two boys. The second boy I still today question whether he was mine. The third child was aborted. My abuser was not too happy telling me she was pregnant and it was a shock to me as sex was very far and few between by then. We never spoke about that again.

As her addiction to alcohol become out of control and our home become an open house to other drinkers the violence escalated as I became more mentally impaired. Holding the secret of rape was now affecting both of us.

I was assaulted and put into hospital for many months nearly losing my eye had a broken eye socket and nose and had to on the go reconstructive surgery, the effects I still live with today. In hospital I told a doctor of what was happening at home in the hope that he would get someone to help me but that never happened. My abuser was in fear that I would now tell someone.

My sons witnessed things they shouldn't have living with two dysfunctional parents as they too become alcoholics in later life.

During the relationship we were all denied medical attention in some way or another. My abuser in fear that I would speak out so I learnt how to become my own dentist adapting tools in the shed to pull out my own teeth, the broken roots still in place today, still in fear to go to a dentist for help.

While at rape counselling here in Australia I had been diagnosed as the second rape victim in the relationship something my abuser hated as now my mental health condition and the effects of living With a rape victim was now documented. My abuser was given tasks to work on and a letter was drafted to send to her mother in the UK but it was never sent. She had to explain to her mother the truth of why our relationship was so dysfunctional and that was never going to happen.

I was hoping that rape counselling would finally put an end to domestic violence at home but in fact it got worse as I had become a regular fighter now against blame transfer that really was the basis of our relationship. Trying to get out of this dysfunctional relationship was a nightmare. The relationship by now involved so many people that had been told so many lies to cover the truth of her childhood rape. My mental health affected my job to the point I could no longer work. The police become regulars at my home. I even went to the police station asking for help but this was denied. My doctor suggested I contact mental health which I did but they could not help me as my abuser had rights due to a recent change in the mental health act, so I was alone. They did say I could ask for a section 5 with police escort but only to contact them when I was being attacked as they had to witness the attack. Do you know how hard it is to make a phone call for help while you're being attacked?! The phone was the first thing to go by my abuser. In pure desperation I would phone mental health many times asking for help, each time being refused, so the question is (and something I often pondered), where do I go for help?

To cut a long story short I started to attend Al Anon meetings for those affected by someone's drinking and the sister group AA. I found 2 great sponsors that sometimes witnessed what was going on at home, as did my friends that walked in while I was being attacked. I would attend up to 5 meetings a week telling my story and learning the Twelve steps in recovery and how to detach from my abuser. I was beginning to recover.

My abuser could see that I was changing as I began to openly speak about what was happening at home behind those closed doors. During the attacks I stopped trying to defend myself and let her do what she needed to do in her pure frustration that I was no longer becoming the enabler. Broken windows remain broken. A broken car would remain broken. Unpaid debts become prolonged unpaid debts.

She did eventually get a job purely to sustain her addiction to alcohol.

On the last night that we were to remain together in dysfunction, my abuser organised with two of her friends to come around and beat me up but I called the police that turned up the same time her friends did. My abuser a drunk and on advice from the police was asked to leave with her friends and the police advised me to go to court the next morning to get a interim intervention order, which I did. In front of the judge I stood there while he read my statement asking me questions until he said that my interim intervention order was granted. I broke down in tears. Years of abuse had a major impact on my life and I was overwhelmed. The judge asked me why I was crying. I replied I was in fear you wouldn't believe me.

There was a court case about 6 months later during that time I had to find documented evidence of domestic violence which was hard but in the end I produced quite a lot including evidence from my doctor. videos, photos, financial abuse, stat decs from friends, even the knife she used.

In court she got a 10 year no contact DVO.

The police even took a statement from me, but that was to take 2 more years. Warrants for her arrest were issued but she had already returned to the UK. Those warrants so badly needed during the court case that caused me so much financial losses.

I've had dealings with family law and as a victim of prolonged domestic violence family law fails dramatically. I lost my home that I worked hard for. Even though I managed to get my ex abuser financial reward, I became homeless, have no job, and with little savings me and my three dogs now live in my car. We travel the country now. Sometimes we get moved on by the police and they know I'm homeless as it's on their computer.

I did see a neuropsychologist who was recommended by victims of crime and over time talking I was diagnosed with C PTSD. My health is failing - a heart condition a gift from my abuser.

I have spoken at a Stop Domestic Violence conference in Melbourne about my dealings with the police trying to get help and the failings of the mental health system that allowed my abuser to continue to practice her arts of abuse. I was in the newspapers and I was asked to write a chapter in a book with other survivors of domestic violence that has now been published and I have recently helped other survivors to write their stories for the next book.

I'm in recovery now and one day I hope to recover from what I witnessed living with a dysfunctional partner with past unaddressed trauma. I try to help other men and women that have come out of a domestic violent relationships in confusion by telling them my story - a link that only we understand.

So, if you see a man with his dogs by the beach in ponder, or by the side of the road having a rest, stop and say Hi. I'll have the kettle on ready waiting for you and I always have chocolate biscuits tucked away under my front seat.

Well its time for me to go now. There's a mountain range in the far distance that needs exploring, and I do like taking photos documenting my journey in recovery.

Friday
Jun212019

Lucky Man's personal story

My partner and I at her 30th birthday when an argument broke out between herself and her sister. When I went over to try and resolve it, she hit me in the face. My mother was nearby and she heard the hit. In the morning she apologised and I gave her benefit of the doubt and forgave her; “she was drunk she didn’t mean it” I said to myself. My mother supported my decision but she was understandably profoundly upset at the fact someone had hit her son.

A few months later it happened again. This time we were both out at the pub. Security removed her for being too intoxicated and when I as told this I went outside to take her home. With help from other patrons I put her in a taxi. When the taxi got home, I had to try get her inside myself. She was very intoxicated and I was drunk myself it wasn’t going to be easy. When I tried to pick her up off the back seat of the taxi she punched me in the face. I managed to pick her up still to take her inside, but when we got o the front path we tripped over each other’s legs and fell. When I tried to help her up she spat on me. Taken back but still determined, I managed to pick her up still and I sat her on the verandah. I asked for the front door keys she refused to give them to me and she punched again this cutting my lip. I decided to film what she was doing I caught a 13 second video of her standing up and spitting at me again. I gave up trying to get the keys I was mad now and just wanted to get inside. I went around the back of the house and broke in. Right about that moment it all overcame me and I just slumped to the ground and cried. I’d not felt that degraded since my previous relationship (id previously been victim to psychological abuse at the hands of another woman, which resulted in me almost losing my life and being diagnosed with PTSD); I just felt darkness I sat there in a trance. Eventually she let herself I. with the keys, pushed passed me, vomited in the bathroom, walked over me where I was sitting and went to sleep. The only thing she said to me in the morning was that I could’ve “closed the door” as I left. I was determine to leave her for this as I had left my previous partner…but I went back. By this stage we were engaged and I felt I was too far committed to her…this was a terrible decision on my part.

The third and final time she hit me was again after a night out. Not as lengthy as the second time, she lost her phone and when I found it and handed it to her (admittedly with some attitude, I knew it was in the house she wasn’t listening) she hit me across the head and threw her s Gaga ring across the house…then demanded it back when I sent and got it. “For fuck sake” was her response when I told her what she had done whilst she was drunk the night before.

The relationship eventually ended. She had reunited a friendship with my previous partner (yes the one that had psychologically abused me, we’re from a town where everyone knows everyone) and this eventually lead to her putting me out of my misery and ending it. Ultimately I dodged a bullet they were both finally out of my life.

Looking back I’ll admit I was far from perfect. I was a heavy drinker too and she’d started talking to my ex I’d even messaged an ex of mine to see how she’d like it; it was petty. I acted out of vindictiveness, she and I had grown close in the first place because she was my main ear to lend about the very same ex she’d ended up being friends with again. Obviously there was red flags everywhere I wish I had noticed them.

But nothing I did nothing to deserve being hit and spat on. Obviously her friends had all rallied around her, bought her flowers told me it was my fault for being hit by her because I didn’t leave. I was told I was playing the victim. Made excuses that she had been drunk when she did what she did. Imagine if these things were said to a female victim of abuse by a male? I thought they were my friends too but I learned non of them ever were.

The police dropped the ball when I went to ask for advice as to how to collect some things I had at my house, and explained what happened to me the officers response was “so mate what did you do you must of did something?” I asked to speak with another officer and he was a nice bloke he helped me properly.

After it all ended I got a worse for a period, was a heavy drinker myself, was angry and even got into a physical altercation. But eventually I moved to the city and started over.

I’m not engaged to a wonderful girl we are very much in love, she’s heard all about my story and supports me. It’s also been about 600 days since I’ve woken up with a hangover. Instead of being angry about what was done to me I took ownership of things I wasn’t doing right. I now tell my story to help other men who have been abused, men with PTSD and men who have tried to take their lives.

Onwards and upwards. I’m a lucky guy.

Monday
Jun032019

Jay's personal story

I am both an abuser and abused. I am an abuser because I shout at my wife. This happens regularly – out of frustration that I am called names, put down, told that every time I speak I am speaking bullsh** and lying.

It happens because my wife will ask me a question, I will attempt to answer and she will cut me off, again telling me I am lying or that I am wrong (because I don't agree with her perspective) so I get frustrated and angry.

It happens because I am tired of being called "damaged goods" (I was sexually, physically and mentally abused by my mother when I was a child), am tired of being called a dumb c**t, stupid f**k, an idiot, lazy, useless, incompetent and hopeless, and generally a waste of space.

I am an abuser because I "control" my wife by cooking meals, doing the weekly shopping, driving the car while she is in it and because, even though she has over a third of my take-home pay put directly into her bank account every fortnight, I won't give her control over my debit card as she sees fit.

I have even been told that she is "in command" and in control so I should seek her permission to fold "her" towels and sheets, to move her washing and even to fill the car with petrol.

I am dirty, messy, untidy, disorganised, and would be happy living in a pigsty. I am so filthy that I have to wash my hands thoroughly and change my clothes when I come home from work every night. I work in a professional position in a very clean environment. I am abused because I feel worthless, lack confidence in completing even basic tasks because I never quite get it right, I am not allowed to pat or feed our dog without permission. I have been allocated my own area of the house, and all of my things have been moved there. I am not allowed to even look into “her area” but she is able to take my things, rearrange them, move them or even throw them out if she desires.

I have done a lot in the past of which I am not proud – including forming friendships online (but never meeting or indulging in innuendo or sexual flirtations) and having an affair when we were separated for several months almost 15 years ago. These indiscretions came about because my wife would not let me touch her, withdrawing physically and emotionally for months or even years at a time. She would also spend long periods of time interstate looking after family members, leaving me to work full time and look after children. Being lonely is not an excuse, but it is an explanation.

I have not always been the perfect father or husband but I do my best. I rarely drink, I don't smoke and I don't gamble. I rarely go out unless to work or a family function, and very rarely spend money on myself.

I am abusive because my wife tells me I am. I am a victim of abuse for the same reason. I hate living.