TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Apr282019

Sean's personal story

We were married for 13 years. I was in the Navy and she was studying her VCE as an adult student. We were both 20 at the time. We had a great relationship for the first year or so, but then she started to show her violent side. She would kick, punch and scratch. I had ashtrays, plates of food and even dog poo thrown at me. One Sunday morning when we were living in Rockingham, WA, I was cleaning out the shed. She came out and demanded I go into town and buy more Chinese food for her and her cousin, visiting from Victoria. I refused, for two reasons. The Chinese restaurant we went to the previous night was not yet open, and I was filthy from cleaning out the shed. As I bent down to pick up a piece of timber, I felt a thud on my back, which at first I thought was a punch. After a few minutes, the area where she hit me began to sting, so I went inside to look in the mirror with my shirt off. I couldn't get the shirt to come up over my head, and when I looked, I found that she had stabbed me in the back with a fork, which was pinning the shirt to my back. The fork was buried so deep, I had to use as much force as I could to pull it out. It also had a pork & prawn dim sim still attached. I just carried on cleaning outside, and didn't give the stabbing much thought. The next day, I felt sick and went into the Base Hospital to see a Doctor. The doc straight away could tell what had taken place, and said I needed to report it. I refused and begged him to just leave it alone – just treat my injury. He said the fork just missed my spine, and the wound was infected. He cleaned it out, patched it up and I went on my way back to work.

At other times, she would get drunk or stoned on marijuana, and lash out with her nails when I refused to have sex. She would ring me at work and tell me when I got home, the dogs would be dead and cut up because I refused to have sex. I told her many times that it was not right, and she needed help. She overdosed on Valium and Largactil several times, each time ending up in the psych ward at the hospital for weeks. I stayed because I thought she needed me, and we were both in Perth, thousands of kms from our families. The ODs continued, along with the violence.

In 1995, I left the Navy and we moved to Adelaide to be closer to my family. I bought a Jim's Mowing franchise, and I was working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, earning great money. I left the banking to her, as I was too busy. After a couple of months, I discovered she had been depositing the money into the Pokies, not the bank. When I confronted her, she tried to stab me again, this time with scissors. As the months went by, I became more and more depressed with the combination of running a failing business and coping with being freshly discharged from the strict regimented life in the Navy. By Christmas in 95, I was suicidal, and in the Daw Park Repat Hospital Psych Unit. I was also going bankrupt.

After a year of not working, I finally found a job driving buses. Most of my shifts were afternoon shifts, so I was not normally home for dinner. There were several occasions where she would wait at the stop where I would have my meal break and beg me to just leave the bus where it was and come home because she felt lonely. It made working very difficult. In 1997, after many years of trying, she finally fell pregnant. I thought maybe having a baby would settle her down. 18 weeks into the pregnancy, she began bleeding and went into labour. We lost the baby, and the doctor believed it was due to a weak cervix. This happened again twice more, the second baby again lost at 18 weeks, and the third at 22 weeks after a cervical stitch was inserted. Her and my depression deepened greatly. In 1999 we moved to Vic, where I began a career as a Prison Officer. We also discovered a new technique which gave us a final shot at having a family - an Abdominal Cervical Suture, basically a big drawstring around the womb. We had it done, got pregnant and at 36 weeks had a beautiful baby girl. The suture was meant to stay in, but was causing great pain, so she had it surgically removed. During surgery, the surgeon nicked her bowel. 4 weeks later, her bowel ruptured and she ended up with a colostomy bag.

The abuse started again, as she had become addicted to opiates, smoking marijuana, drinking and using the colostomy as a form of abuse – she would deliberately take it off in bed and let the contents leak all over me. I spent many nights cleaning up shit in the bed and all over the house. I still stayed, because now I had a little girl who needed me. The colostomy was reversed after 6 months, and she was again put on even stronger pain meds. I had to install a secure medicine cabinet in the bathroom to prevent her from over dosing on opiates. With this, she then began calling 000 for an ambulance at least once a week for “chronic pain”. She'd get a shot of morphine in hospital and me and baby daughter would drag our arses out of bed in the middle of the night to go and pick her up.

The final straw for me was when she kicked me out of our home on several occasions, and I was forced to sleep in the local park at night. She would pass out on the back porch from all the drugs during the night, so I would sneak home, have a shower and get ready for work, and take my daughter to a neighbour's to go to school. At the end of the day, she would have no recollection of what she had done.

At night, she would fall asleep at the sink while washing the dishes. She would come into the bedroom with a knife and tell me when I went to sleep she would come in and slit my throat. One night, I left, with basically the clothes on my back and some uniform for work. We divorced, and to get back at me, she allowed the family home which was still in my name and hers, to go into foreclosure. She had gone bankrupt, and therefore was not liable for any of the debt, including the Mortgagee Insurance. I was left to pay. When I would visit to see my daughter, she became violent. On different occasions, she threw a treasured picture from my childhood at me, smashing the glass. She kicked my car door as I was getting in, trapping my head between the door and the body. She attempted to reverse over me in the driveway as I approached the house one day, just missing me. She was going as fast as she could in reverse, with our daughter in the car. All of this was reported to Police, who said there was nothing they could do as it was a “Domestic Dispute”. They also knew that I was a Prison Officer, and basically told me to harden up.

Fast forward a few years, and the abuse continued in the form of having IVOs brought out against me by my daughter, under the guidance of her mother. I have not seen my daughter for more than two years, except in court. My current partner and I have two children, who also miss seeing their sister. She is now 18.

In August 2018, my ex wife passed away suddenly from a blood clot on her lung. For the first time in years, I am finally free of her abuse. I went to her funeral, expecting to be glad to be there. Instead, I was a sobbing mess, not because I missed her or her presence, but because I realised I was grieving for the life she took away from me for all those years. The life I could never get back. The years without seeing my daughter. The years I suffered mentally and financially because of her ongoing campaign to bring me and my family down. I am finally free to tell my story, because, after all these years, her hold over me was still so strong that I was afraid of the consequences if I dared speak out while she was still alive.

Not everyone you lose is a loss.

Thursday
Apr042019

Blind Justice's personal story

I met my wife 3 years ago.

At the time I did not know she was still seeing her ex-boyfriend and we had moved into the same building as him. When I did discover this it was too late she was pregnant. During a pregnancy test, it was revealed I was the father. I did what society told me was the right thing to do and marry her against my gut feeling at the time. From early pregnancy she became erratic and violent towards me. Accepting this as pre and post natal depression I persisted and did not give it a second thought. After the baby was born she would become angry and violent, hitting my face, kicked me in the testicles, or throwing cups and plates at me. She also threatened to take my son away and that I would never see him again. She often reminded me that the law sides with the women and anything she said was taken as evidence. She was very controlling and would use psychological games to make me submit to her monetary demands.

I did not wake up even when police attended our house and they named me the perpetrator of family violence unknowingly in LEAP reports. It was 9 months later until I received a summons to appear before a magistrate court to face accusations of financial and emotional violence. The application was not approved by the magistrate. This application was made by a police officer who relied on a baseless accusations and less than the half truth. Coupled with this was the cowardice and pathetic response of the Victoria Police and DHHS who were adamant I was the ‘bad guy’ without proof or evidence and just hearsay accusations. I later discovered that one police officer gave my wife his personal mobile phone number and offered to help my wife perpetrate fraudulent charges of violence against me to help her get a visa. I was very disappointed. I rang the officers, I wrote complaints, I even escalated the matter to anti-corruption boards but to no avail. No one believed me, especially the police. To my saving grace, my wife had hit me in public the week before had been witnessed by a passing Good Samaritan who stopped to check if I was ok. He was more than happy to provide evidence of my wife's assault of me. In the end I did not press charges but favoured the road of forgiveness and giving my wife a chance to seek counselling instead of a prison sentence.

For 99% of the time, my wife is a great wife, a fantastic mum, but when she loses her cool, she hits me and damages property. What she needed at the time was psychological services not propaganda fed to her by DHHS case workers with hidden agendas. I realised my wife has been at a very vulnerable point in her life been manipulated by a propaganda agenda.

Through their negligence, I am taking the Victoria Police, DHHS to VCAT (Equal Opportunity) for Human Rights Abuses; Gender Victimisation as a male. Also I will be proceeding to sue them damages to our family and my wife for gross misconduct and police torts.

Through this process I was able to clearly identify the female violence against me both physical, psychological and sexual abuse started as a boy with my mother. She was a proud feminist burning her torches of freedom in the air in the 60's yet in her liberation she sort vengeance against the male gender and literally enjoyed ‘male bashing’ and making me ashamed to be a man.

I realised that since a young age I have had feminist ideologies beating me.

My advice to men in domestic violence situations where your partner female or male has abused you; if police attend your property first act with caution. Unfortunately your gender is discriminated against with the Victoria Police. They have already decided you are the perpetrator of the domestic violence before you speak.

Before you open the door, remember if you have not committed a crime, do not open the door. Police have no right or entry nor DHHS without a warrant. Be courteous and respectful and first enquire as to the nature of their visit through the screen door. Switch on your video on your phone and record. Tell them exactly why you are filming, because you fear gender bias. Ask for their name and number(s). Ask them the reason for attending your property/ place of residence. Provide facts and record what is being said using your phone. You do not have to answer any questions being asked if you do not feel comfortable.

Next, apply through Freedom of Information for your LEAP/ police record. Ensure that what you discussed has been recorded, and that nothing else has been recorded i.e. false or misleading statements that are made by police.

If you find any discrepancy, contact the Professional Conduct Unit of the Victoria Police and complain. If you feel the attitude of police is still unchanged then apply to VCAT under Equal Opportunity, for male victimisation i.e. gender bias.

Have your story heard for free in a legal setting and summons the officers their to face the video conversations you had with them.

The only real justice is the truth and exposed gender bias for what it is; Human Right's Abuse by the state and their appendages i.e. Victoria Police, DHHS and funded NGO social services.

I have been driven to tell the world about women to male violence, and the feminist agenda fuelling the propaganda in our current media.

I hope to make a difference, to end the war of gender victimisation, to bring reality to the discussion table and the real facts and end gender victimisation in domestic violence and expose Victoria Police, DHHS and Social Services corruption once and for all.

I end my story with a quote by one of the most bravest human rights campaigners in history.

Martin Niemöller prominent pastor who was an outspoken public foe of Adolf Hitler, and who suffered the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps.

"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out— Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."

Sunday
Mar172019

Jane's personal story

Growing up my mother was very emotionally/verbally abusive toward my father. I've never really talked about this before, but after reading so many of these stories in which men stay with abusive women for the sake of the kids, I'm going to go ahead and do so.

My mother is one of those people who isn't happy unless she has someone to hate. That person was usually my dad, but he worked out of town a lot and when he wasn't there that person was me, the oldest child. She was often cruel to me, telling me she wished I'd never been born because I ruined her life and such, but the pain of that sort of thing was nothing compared to hearing her say terrible things about my dad, or, when he was there, to him.

He was a wonderful dad and I loved him fiercely. At the same time, though, I dreaded him coming home, because that meant non-stop screaming and yelling between him and my mom. Sometimes I'd catch myself wishing he wouldn't come home... then I'd be terrified that my wish would cause him to die (so he wouldn't come home) and I'd spend all night crying, looking out the window for his headlights and taking back my wish with all my might.

Sometimes my mom would rip into him with such cruelty that he'd start crying. When that happened sometimes I'd think about sneaking into their bedroom and killing my mom in her sleep. Those thoughts also terrified me, ripped me to pieces, because she is, after all, my mom; she wasn't pure evil, sometimes she was very kind and fun, and I couldn't help loving her despite her cruelty.

The conflict of loving both one's parents while simultaneously wishing one of them would be gone for the sake of the other is a special kind of hell that children aren't equipped to deal with.

If my parents were in general proximity to each other they were guaranteed to be screaming at each other. My sisters and I spent countless nights under beds or in closets, covering our ears with pillows, trying not to hear the words that hurt as much as any physical blow. I still can't explain why our parents yelling at each other was so scary - there was never any physical violence and us kids were generally ignored when they had each other to yell at - but it was very frightening all the same.

We lived in a small town and the whole neighbourhood could easily hear their fights. Most of my friends weren't allowed to come to my house because of the fighting. Us kids got a lot of sympathy from the neighbours, always offering a place to stay and such if things got bad at home; while that was kind of them, it was also humiliating. I'm 40 years old now and still too ashamed to contact anyone I knew as a kid, be it my peers or their parents.

When I was 16 my parents finally got divorced. We were all so, so much happier. My dad only got to see my sisters a couple times a year (due to distance), which was sad for him and them, but it was worth the trade-off overall. I know that sounds terrible and in some ways it is, but it was much less terrible than the almost daily torture sessions of before.

The pain of abuse is often worse when it is targeted at someone you deeply care for. Wouldn't you gladly take a blow or an insult for your child, to spare them that pain? Your child would do the same for you, for the same reasons.

My point here is, leaving, even if it means you don't get to see your kids very often, is not necessarily the worst decision for them. Us kids were aware that our mom was kind of nuts and we never held any resentment toward our dad, nor did we believe for a moment the lies she tried to tell us about him. I remember being conscious of her lies as young as 5; small children may not be able to articulate this sort of thing, but, I believe, they often know exactly what's going on.

I wish you all the best and am truly sorry you have such hurtful people in your lives.

Friday
Mar152019

Ted's personal story

Firstly I will admit to my wrongdoing in the matter. I said some nasty comments about my ex-partner's mother to a friend. The reason was that her mother refused all assistance from nursing staff while in hospital and made my ex feed her, bath her and clean her every night for months. My ex would often come home in tears saying she had to do things a daughter should never have to do to their mother. My comments were aimed in the defence of my ex but when she found out what I had said she took it purely as nasty comments about her Mum.

What I said was “the old bitch is so demanding on her daughter it will be better when she f..... dies” so I can understand her anger. I had no idea the friend was telling her what I had said. Her anger increased to the point where she said she couldn't forgive me and we began talking about separating. We had the home valued and she offered me less than half to leave. When I rejected the offer she said she would take out an AVO if I didn't take the money and f... off. On a number of occasions she told me this and came very close to hitting me when telling me to f... off and giving me "the finger" right in my face.

I realised after a couple of times that she was trying to provoke me into a violent response to get an AVO. At no time did I use any violence or threaten her. One night she tried the same tactic and I told her that I had the same rights to the home that she did and said we should sort this out civilly as we are nearly 60 years old. She called the police and took out the AVO. Her statement said there was never any violence or threatened violence and that I was so calm it was frightening and she was scared about my response to her taking out an AVO. This is an example of the discrimination against men. There would be no chance for a male to have an AVO taken out by police with a statement like that.

Eventually I accepted a mandatory clause AVO for 6 months on the advice of my lawyer to save costs and court time even though the complaint was frivolous. This allowed me to go home and to our business and as per the magistrates wording "it was a sensible decision and would allow us to settle our property affairs promptly". Since this hearing I have been locked out of my home and business and police will not enforce the court ruling on her. She has financially disadvantaged me by overdrawing on my credit card and transferring all business income into her private account. She separated our telephone bills and left me with the NBN and foxtel bundle from the home which I am locked out of.

Under the domestic violence law financial abuse includes:

  1. Not allowing the victim to work
  2. Preventing access to bank accounts.

I cannot go to work or access any income but have been told there's not a case for me. All I can do is spend more money on our property settlement to try and recover some of this lost finance. Transferring money from a business into a private account without the consent of the business partner is fraud by misappropriation of funds but I have been advised that I should let this be sorted out in the property settlement even though it comes under criminal law.

I am certain a woman would be granted an AVO on the financial abuse and would be able to prosecute a male for misappropriation fraud. Police are under a lot of pressure with all the domestic violence stories in the media but there is a definite discrimination against males. It would be interesting to survey police prosecutors to get a comparison in the number of frivolous or unreasonable domestic complaints made by women vs men. I sent a suggestion to the law reform society that an AVO application without actual violence should be passed on to a mediator before being filed. The 2 parties would be told to live separately until the mediation took place. This would take a lot of pressure off the police and curb the unnecessary stress on the male who is kicked out of his home for a month or more while waiting for the court hearing.

My health is deteriorating to a very worrying level. I have contacted Men's Helpline, Beyond Blue and 1800 Respect and they give good counselling advice but I am still suffering financially and healthwise due to the stress and cost of living away from home and having ongoing legal costs for the settlement due to my ex hiding money and not responding to demands to openly show all assets. The media and public services have increased the awareness and penalties for the increasing number of men committing actual violence on women but the increasing number of women who abuse the legal system for revenge and personal gain are wasting public money and court time and this should also be exposed on the media and dealt with by the law harshly.

Monday
Mar112019

Michael's personal story

I agree that it is very difficult to seek support as a male victim of domestic violence. What's even harder is admitting to yourself and those around you that it exists within the four walls of your home. Although our kids seen and experienced most of the abuse I received, it rarely got spoken about and was just swept under the carpet. For me, the constant fear of when the next violent episode would rear it's ugly head was the hardest to deal with. We were together for 22 years. Married for 17 years. Within those 17 years there'd be at least 20 occasions where I'd get kicked out of home for no justified reasons. Sleeping in my car or at work if possible. Then she'd conn me into apologising for whatever she says I've done so i can come home to my kids and family.

She was always angry. Blaming me for everything. She'd throw things at me, scream at the top of her lungs etc. However add alcohol and thats where the problems really start. Sometimes she'd get very angry and would snap into a rage over nothing. On at least 40 occasions the verbal abuse would just pour out until she'd finally get to bed and fall asleep. I'd count my lucky stars it didn't get worse. Kids crying etc etc. Lucky for her she'd be in complete denial the next day and not remember a thing, so you just sweep it under the carpet cause it just couldn't be spoken about. However, on at least 10 occasions it got physical. The drunken rage of terror would range from one or two punches to full blown attacks. I'd defend myself as best I could without ever striking back. As per usual, in the morning it's as if nothing happened. She'd avoid me so she'd not see my scars.

Both kids have also witnessed some of these full on attacks on me. The last time was late last year. One night, after drinking a bottle and a half of red wine she went into a full blown psychotic rage on me for no reason when we left a school fund raising event. I always see it coming. Her eyes start rolling and then she get angry with me over anything. To avoid trouble at the function, I excused myself from the group and took some time to myself outside. When the event finished I went inside to get her and our son. Everyone was staring at me so who knows what she was dribbling on about in my absence.

While I was driving home she back hand punched me in the face. Another couple punches followed. Our son tried restraining her by reaching over the front seat. She then crouched down and repeatedly kicked the crap out of me whilst driving. My instinct was to get her home and into bed. I nearly had 4 accidents on the way home. When we got home the rage of terror continued. Our 16 year old son began to ring the police for assistance. I tried taking the phone off him but he refused. She chased me around the house and threw 2 glasses at me. One missing, and one hitting me “luckily” in the back. Police came, arrested her and put an intervention order on her.

From putting up with abuse and violence all those years it took my 16 year old son to stand up and put a stop to it. I'm now glad I didn't take that phone off him, and I thank him almost daily for doing the right thing and calling the police. She will never get to do that crap to me ever again and it is a fantastic feeling. No more living in fear. No more terror.

My point to anyone reading is, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. Don't put up with it, or be embarrassed to admit the truth.

And, for the record... although it may seem tough to find support as a male victim of DV, I have nothing but gratitude and total respect for both the police who attended and the Criminal Investigation Branch. They have been fantastic towards me and have shown the upmost respect and care. I know everyone's case is different but beneath the surface, the support is there. Times are changing and you just need to seek it.

Don't let them get away with it cause if the shoe was on the other foot they would show no mercy. #oneinthree