TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Mar232017

Nii's personal story

Reading about people's experience makes me believe I am not alone in this situation. I don't know who to talk to. Even if I knew, my current situation draws me back from going forward. I am an African married to an Aussie lady. We have known each other for 3 years and we met through a friend.

I was living outside the country when we met and gradually I came here going through all this paperwork. Initially, she was very nice, sent gifts to my kids and was very nice to me. 10 days after I arrived in Australia she threw my things away and locked me out for 6 hrs. I had nowhere to go and it was cold outside. The issue was I asked her to give me some time as I was talking to a male friend she is knows so well online.

After some time things got better then worse, I realised her sexual behaviour is so strange. She wants sex most of the time especially from 15th to 22nd. I told her about that and asked her to watch out for those days. She tells me she can't live a week without sex and I realised she has been with more than 8 to 10 black guys, so her sexual desire is too high.

I can't take it any more I need to have sex with her 4 to 5 times in week. And any day I refuse she will abuse me and keep me awake all night. I have developed back pain because of my work and this sexual lifestyle. I have so many recordings of her verbal abusive life on my phone. I don't know what to do since I am on a temporary visa.

She stops and fights with me for getting more shifts at work. I have 62 hrs instead of 80 hrs a fortnight. I don't drink and I don't smoke. I am a home boy. Every 4th night I support her sharing my salary with her. I give her 1600 AUD a month. All I want is for her to calm down on her swearing and lower her voice when she is angry. I get scared when she gets angry, she has physical abused me on several occasions. Squeezing my balls, pushing me against the wall, attacking me in the toilet and throwing things at me. I am really scared of my life. I need help.

Friday
Mar172017

Anonymous' personal story

I don't know where to start. I guess my story is one where I carry a lot of guilt and I have always had generally low self esteem ever since I was a child. I'm 51 now. After 4 years into my current relationship I am now heavily mentally affected by the way I have allowed myself to be treated. It's caused me to do things I can hardly believe I was capable of.

I'll get to the point. I was married for 20 years. Legally I still am, so that makes it 24 years. No children. I made a foolish decision at a time when I was not coping well with my ex-wife's demeanour towards me. We had always been close. Very close. Very loving. But during the 6 years leading into 4 years ago I think she was going through her own difficult times and this made for a constantly tense and unpleasant atmosphere at home and this eroded my commitment to our life together.

I always travelled with my work, I had never given any thought to betraying my wife. But by the end of 2003 things were just terrible at home. I deliberately chose work assignments that would take me away for longer periods, just to get away from the terrible home environment. Then one time I met some men who liked to go out often and have fun in bars where there were girls looking for opportunity. I enjoyed the evenings out but still did not do anything than talk, dance and drink. But I was having fun and my thoughts – only my thoughts – turned to going further than just having a dance. I could not stop thinking about it. The excitement hooked me. It changed everything.

My relationship at home collapsed and on my next trip out I met my current partner. The fun, the intimacy and the sex was invigorating, intoxicating. Like nothing I'd ever known. But her expectations from me were more than just to enjoy happy and fun and close times together. She needed me to provide and support her and her family. She wanted things. Often moderately and sometimes very expensive things. And money. I loved her and I wanted and did spontaneously shower her with attention, gifts, money and support as I think anyone wants to do for their loved ones.

But her desire for such things accelerated and went very soon beyond my spending power. I became trapped in a cycle of requests for things that I would need to delay or defer or somehow have to explain why it had to be later and not now. She did not respond well to this. She knew I loved her. But she would react aggressively, saying things to hurt my feelings to the core. She would compare me unfavourably to past lovers. Contact ex-es to talk about me or ask them for money. Criticise the things I did. Tell me I was mean and stingy. A bad man. Evil.

If I refused to give in to her demands she would threaten to go sleep with other men. One time she confessed to doing so after we had such an argument. She would accuse me of going with other girls, constant accusation of wrongdoing that never happened. Threats to do the same in return. She monitored me, wanting to know what was in every e-mail, text message, every time I picked up my phone she would want to know why.

When I was at work she would constantly message me and expect immediate responses or get angry, abusive and threatening if I was otherwise occupied. This controlling, manipulative behaviour drove me into the ground. I cried heavily every day. Every day for 4 years I have cried at some point. Sometimes all day. I never was doing anything wrong (as far as our relationship went). But always there was the lingering guilt I should never have been in the relationship in the first place.

Sometimes the fights escalated to a terrible level. She and I would drink most evenings to relax. Too often, particularly if we were out at night she would become jealous and snap into an aggressive tirade of hurtful abuse. We would leave whatever establishment we were at and go home. Sometimes once behind closed doors she would then snap and start physically pushing me around. Punching me. I would be begging her to stop. She would break things. Throw things around. Punch and push, insult, push, punch. Drive me so I would cower in the corner begging her to stop.

Once she took an knife and threatened to cut or stab me. There were a handful of times when she went so far that I eventually snapped and lashed out at her in response. For me this was a desperate act – a last resort to try bring her under control and stop the constant abusive attack. I am so deeply ashamed of every time I lost control and lashed out. But every time it happened I was being driven to the point of insanity I wanted to escape but there was nowhere to go. All would go quiet, she would cry for a while and I would sit somewhere away from her, shaking, crying, feeling terrible regret and shame.

She would come to me later with ‘I'm sorry, forgive me’ and we would cuddle and cry together and get close. She would laugh and say I love you, as if it were all some silly game. I remember times when I have sat tight when she turned on the attacks, grit my teeth, waiting for her to burn out, telling myself ‘don't let her do this to you, don't let her get to you, don't get angry, don't get angry’.

This is the point. I just don't want the fights at all. There is just no need for it. Nothing to fight about. I'm a generous, kind hearted man. All I wanted, all the time was to show her that I care, that I love her and I want everything to be lovely. The magic. I crave the magic. But she has driven me into behaviours I can not believe I was capable of. I have been suicidal about this. Desperate.

She has gone now. Her most recent gift demand was way way beyond my ability to pay. She attacked me when I refused to buy the second new car; she held me hostage in my own apartment on threats of killing herself and smashing my place up. She attacked me again this morning. This time I fled and I called the police. She's gone now.

Thursday
Mar092017

Veritas' personal story

I am a woman, and I work in the DFV sector supporting women and children in refuge. Although the organization I work for has a definite feminist standpoint, everyday I worry about the dads and men are not heard or taken seriously especially post separation. Remember DFV is not just physical. Emotional, psychological and verbal all play a part. Unfortunately, most of the power and control that I see post separation is perpetrated by women. Dads and children are often the victims.

Men need avenues to tell their story, be heard and taken seriously.

Men need to be supported in their efforts to form meaningful relationships with their children.

Men should not be expected to go through life without getting to know their children.

Realistic data describing DFV needs to be presented transparently. So many men do not report, or are not listened to when they try and report.

Domestic and Family Violence affects everybody. Not just women.

Thursday
Feb162017

Danush's personal story

My ex always beat me. With anything: knives, metal rods, even a hot iron. Every night after this I would be in my bed licking my wounds (literally) when she would tear off my clothes and demand sex. When I said no she just stroked my penis to get an erection then she would force me into intercourse. She would also slap my penis afterwords saying I'm useless. I want to leave but I can't cause my son is only 2 years old so I can't leave or he'll be in danger of her.
Thursday
Feb022017

Cameron's personal story

I was married for over 10 years. We had our first child and I noticed that as a couple we started to disagree over things more and more. I passed it off as nothing more than small domestic quarrels that any couple would have. The quarrels became worse. I sought the help from a psychologist to try and understand what I could do to improve our situation. I was advised to stand up for myself and make a stand against my wife if I thought she was being unreasonable. I definitely had to take a stand against her abuse and was told that even in marriage I did not have to tolerate being spoken to like this. I did this and things improved slightly. We had a second child a few years later. Things really escalated one night when I came home from work to the sounds of screaming. I found my 4 year old son lying prone on the bathroom floor crying and holding his arm. When I asked what had happened, my wife responded “well he wet his pants didn't he”. I asked if she had hit him. She replied 'well he has to learn that it's wrong doesn't he". She was standing over him and shouting at him how bad he had been. I asked her to get away from him. She did and she calmed down but our relationship worsened from this day.

I attempted to get her help but after only two sessions with the psychologist my wife became argumentative with the psychologist and refused all recommended ongoing treatment. After this I sunk into my own institutional depressive state. I didn't know what to do as the power and control my wife was exerting over my children and myself became obsessive. I had a great relationship with my son but my young daughter was alienated from me within our own marriage. It was a living hell. I was not even allowed to take my daughter out to the shops on my own. My wife would come up with every excuse possible as to why our daughter could not leave the house.

I wanted out of the marriage and my lawyer suggested I take the children and leave. The problem was there was nowhere to go. All the domestic violence support services were setup for women and as a man there was little they could do for my situation. I had to stay in this terrible marriage until I could afford to leave, so that was my plan.

In the lead up to me leaving the marriage, I moved into the spare bedroom and became separated under the one roof. This is where the domestic violence really became frightening. My wife would come past my door at night and kick and scream through the door. One night she whispered under the door that I had better watch my back and that her father in law would be called to come and sort me out. This situation was crazy. I look back in disbelief that I didn't get out sooner.

I eventually left the marriage and moved into a rented house. Through mediation my now very bitter ex refused to allow the children to come and spend time with me. The whole essence of me leaving this controlling narcissistic woman was to have my kids in a shared care arrangement where they could be safe (at least half the time) and free from the hostility of an environment where their parents were in a toxic relationship. So we ended up in court where I was awarded a shared care arrangement.

My ex wife has never accepted the judges decision. Whilst she generally complies with the orders and the shared care arrangements, she still denies that her actions were wrong and still to this day tries controlling and power exertion techniques over me and my children. There is little more I can do unless she breaks the law or the consent orders. I live only with the hope that she will leave me alone, leave my kids alone or the law changes whereby psychological abuse and threatening behaviour by a female perpetrator is more widely acknowledged and acted on through the court process.

My advice to anyone experiencing the same sort of abuse. Get out. Leave as soon as you can. No-one has the right to treat you this way, not even your closest partner. Kids need healthy happy parents and if you are in a toxic relationship and that is witnessed by your children, then they are being harmed. For your sake and their sake, leave. Life is too short.