TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Sep152019

Broken Spirit's personal story

When my ex and I were courting, she seemed like a fantastic person. The entire 18 months was a growing journey, as I saw her being always interesting and funny. It appeared that we were connecting well and growing more in love. We discussed marriage and finally came to the wedding day and it was a good experience.

Four days into the honeymoon, she completely changed into a person I did not recognise. I found myself confused, alone, on one of the decks at our resort – we were supposed have dinner together. She was sulking in our hotel room. Gradually, as the weeks and months went by for us, the newly-weds, her attitude changed and she was more unhappy with her life. She would increasingly complain about the most trivial things, the floor tiles because it was a hassle for her to mop. The range-hood because it was home-made. The faucet because of one reason or another, always complaining about something.

The complaining became personal and by about 6 months she had used the f-bomb, she'd told me to f*%# off. It didn't stop, but just got worse, although I thought it was just an adjusting stage for her, since it was her first serious relationship. We managed to have a child and she seemed okay during that period, but she ripped a major tendon in her groin one week before giving birth, so I bathed her, carried her, nursed her until she was able to support herself again.

When she was mobile again, her complaints started against me personally again. It was ‘my fault’ that she ripped her tendon. It was ‘my fault’ that she was in pain. God was punishing her because of me. Why? I asked myself. My first-born was about 4 and a half months when she began to physically abuse them, yanking the bib off without releasing the tie first, shouting in their face and so on. While I was holding my young child at 5-6 months, she pushed the office chair into my shin in a fit of anger. The hostility continued and I began to resist her, confused that she was taking so long to adjust to being married.

Her family could hear us fighting from in their house, as we lived in the granny flat. We rented a house of our own and the fighting picked up again, the abuse against my first-born continued. My child was 26 months when my ex and I got into a physical fight because she was f-bombing my 2 year old and f-bombing me. Somehow, we managed to have a second child and very soon after, she began to shout at them while they were on the baby change table. The yelling from her just went on every day and I didn't know if I'd come home from work one day to find my children dead or alive.

I couldn't work a full day for a few years as I was concerned for the status of my family. She wanted me to go to work, come home, cook, wash the dishes, care for our kids, clean the house, while she had coffees with her sister and friends, then come home to watch TV until late, while reading junk mail – that was her routine. I was not able to do all those chores as my work was heavy and demanding, but I did a lot of house work, my favourite tasks were caring for my children, I loved being a dad and still do to this day.

But the fighting and shouting continued, the character attacks, the slander, the name-calling continued. Her family had joined in the criticism early into our marriage, before we had our kids because I wasn't of their ‘heritage’. By the time we had moved into a rented house, her family were isolating me from their family events, insisting that I stay home, but she was to go with our kids to their parties and gatherings. It was a battle against my ex, her two horrible sisters and her narcissistic mother. The men of their households were spineless and were subdued, but I was still a fighter.

Eventually, my spirit broke and I became so depressed, that once I'd get my kids fed, bathed and off to bed, I could only manage to go into the small study, lock the door and watch the computer screen, I felt completely useless. Eventually, she was blackmailed by her family to choose between them and me, she chose her family and packed up her things and left me, took my children and sued me for as much money as she could get. What a nightmare.

Years gone by, she hasn't changed much, except her anger has subsided, but she's still incredibly selfish, lazy, and money-hungry. My eldest child suffered greatly in their school grades, had yellow teeth because breakfast to them was a candy bar that my ex gave them in the car on the way to school. When I would go to their house, I could hear my eldest and their mum arguing and shouting at each other from outside the door, I had to wait about 10 minutes before knocking.

After a few years, I succeeded in gaining shared custody and my children's health improved, emotionally, physically and self-confidence has grown and their grades are much better. Their teeth have gradually become cleaner and they see a black and white difference between their mum and I. My ex still won't make them breakfast and my eldest is now 15 years of age. I clearly remember how many times she shouted in my face, “I hate being a wife and mother!”. I'm glad that part is over. I got my light out of the dark tunnel.

Thursday
Jul252019

Andrew's personal story

My wife (separated) is a passive aggressive with occasional bursts of rage. She hid her true feelings from me until her wealthy parents offered her money to force me out of my home. At that point she hit me and took my children three days before Christmas. The Police turned a blind eye. A year later she hit me again. That time she actually told the Police that she hit me, but again they ignored it and refused to listen to my side of the story. They appeared to feel that they needed to stand up for her and they made up other charges against me. I had to pay a solicitor to face them. I ended up having to sign a document promising not to legally pursue them for false imprisonment. There is an official record of all of this. My solicitor told me that if they took my statement that they'd be forced to immediately arrest and charge her, hence why they refused to take my statement.

Well, now it's a new low. We've been getting mediation, however she didn't like what she was hearing from the male at Relationships Australia, so she found a more sympathetic, more expensive, more female mediator who demanded that I attend her office or face legal documentation be prepared against me for the family law court. She approached me in an extremely upsetting and aggressive manor. I didn't know how to handle her insistence that I comply to her demands within seven days, so I asked questions and pointed out that we were already getting mediation. She cut the deadline for compliance short and told my ex that I had refused “mediation” and that she'd issue the certificate against me for the family law court. I didn't refuse mediation. I just refused to be bullied by the sisterhood.

Friday
Jul192019

Jason's personal story

Allow me to preface this by saying that I have been an abuser of women in my past as well as an addict of meth for nearly 20 years of my life up until I entered recovery on April 25, 2012 during my treatment for my addiction. God himself removed not only my meth addiction, but also removed from me the abusive behaviours that had afflicted me for many years by the white light experience God gifted me while I was still in treatment, nearly 7 years ago.

The reason for this email is that there is a great crisis/injustice in the child protection system here in Ramsey County, Minnesota as well as the domestic abuse system for men that are victims/survivors of domestic abuse. On October 18, 2018 I was violently attacked by my wife in front of my 22-month-old daughter and my 16-year-old step daughter. While my wife was beating me with a solid brass musical horse statue my step daughter tried defending me this enraged my wife to the point that she stopped attacking me and went to attack my step daughter who was holding my 22-month-old, but thank God my step daughter is able to defend herself. I have the whole incident audio recorded on my cell phone from beginning to end.

After I left my home that day, I had gone to my office where I took pictures of all the injuries she had inflicted on me. After speaking to a couple of different people, they urged me to go file a police report. I went to the police department in St. Paul Minnesota and sat down with an officer who took the report. The following Monday I had gone to file for an Order For Protection. After filing that, I went to the Domestic Abuse Project located in Minneapolis, MN where I had sat down with one of their representatives and informed them of what had happened the previous Thursday. The lady I had been talking with had informed me that they were mandated reporters and that she had to inform child protection of the incident. Upon her reporting the incident to them, child protection had informed her that they would not be perusing an investigation because the children were not the focus of the violence. Which is in direct contradiction to what had happened during the assault of not only me in front of them, but also when she turned from me to attack my step daughter that had been holding my 22-month-old.

I feel as though nobody is listening and if they are, the subject of being a man that is being abused is so taboo per se that I feel as though I’m supposed to just “man up” and forget about it. That is not something I’m willing to do. The one resource I should have had access to, Saint Paul Domestic Intervention, was not available to me the victim because my wife obtained their services. This is because it's based solely, I was told by them, on a “first come first serve basis” which leaves no help for the actual victim/s. I witnessed my mother being beat and raped, at a very young age and it affected me for years after. I can not nor will I take this sitting down. Change is so drastically needed to the system in an effort to protect our children from physical abuse, mental abuse, abuse in any form, and/or brutal violence that takes place in front of them. I implore you to help make this issue a need and not only a topic here in Minnesota, but across this great country of ours. I am in fear for my 22-month-old daughter because in 2006 my wife was charged with domestic strangulation of my step daughter when she was 4 years of age. If my wife had that capacity to strangle a 4-year-old what would then stop her from strangling a 2-year-old. I am getting zero help because of my gender and this injustice needs to change.

I got a call yesterday from the city attorney saying that they would not be pursuing charges against my wife because my step daughter corroborated my wife's story to investigators that I'm sure she did only out of fear of her mother and what may have happened if she didn't go along with it. There is a real injustice going on in societies around the world when it comes to this taboo issue of male victims and God willing I'm going to help change that some how, some way.

Monday
Jul012019

Clayton's personal story

I was in an 18 year abusive relationship with a covert Narcissist that the system has turned into a full blown psychopath, it is exactly like a drug addiction the more supply you get the more you need. Her negative advocacy lawyer hand-selected the judge! They fully supported her abusive behaviour and they seemed to believe that this will benefit women, with a total disregard for the children who were not even not even given a voice - a basic human right that they are entitled to. I am all for equality, but stopping the generational cycle of violence should be the common goal. I don't believe you can create equality by blatant biased behaviour. This male female school yard type shit must stop. The best interest of the children, I think not.

Our 2 young children are the new victims of her abuse and I am powerless to help them. Abusers love high conflict divorces because they can just blame that for the children's behaviour and everything else, if they can pin it on their target. The golden child, this dynamic is changed up to emotionally manipulate our daughter into following her handlers orders. Our 7 year old daughter is encouraged to very subtly and covertly abuse our son who is 4. Our daughter has anxiety problems - she will have massive problems later in life - and our son has behavioural problems, which of course the abuser has neglected to address as she fears being exposed. The general public have finally taken the blinkers off and can see the real problem but the courts? Will they acknowledge their errors or will they delude themselves into thinking they made the right call and the system is perfect. We all make mistakes. What defines us is how we deal with them.

I choose to let her go, as fighting back made things worse as I was easily manipulated, and experiencing mind control after devastating gaslighting before the discard. I have saved all my ammunition, she has none left, as I was recovering from the abuse and trying to work out what happened. Now I understand better than most so-called experts. I feel I am myself again and in a position to expose her and I expect the court of law to treat her the exact same way I was treated, which will give me the power to fix the problem for good.

Sunday
Jun232019

Colin's personal story

I first met my abuser when I was restoring my car, she was best friends to my sister. Overtime and with guidance from my mother saying I should take her out to buy her some new shoes we did start dating but she insisted on a chaperone which was quite often my sister and her boyfriend. We had only been dating a few weeks when my sister woke me up and said she didn't want to go out with me anymore because she was a rape victim and knew I would want more one day then a simple kiss on the cheek. I had the opportunity then to walk away and avoid the life changing nightmare I have now but I was young and full of empathy not knowing about rape or the effects of rape on someone.

We met up had a chat and resumed the relationship but I had to promise to keep the secret of prolonged rape as it was a family member and to make things worse her mother put her child into the situation of being raped with a known child abuser. Overtime at family functions I got to meet with the perpetrators the Uncle and Uncles brother then two brothers that were her mothers friend sons. There were others like a neighbour that she became friends with to watch football on TV. Instead of going to school she was quite often bunk off to be with friends drinking. She said to me that her friends in school would often talk about their boyfriends and kissing. My abuser would think "if only they knew I had done much more than that." My abuser said that when she stayed at her uncle's house which she eventually lived at she would often pretend to be asleep so the uncle would then turn to his daughter to perform sexual acts with his brother.

Although my abuser had been groomed to say nothing, I too was groomed to say nothing. My abuser would have secret meetings with her uncle while we were dating but I was told only watch him masturbate. She even started a sexual relationship with her uncle's daughter.

As she got older she began to understand that what she went through as a child was abnormal and wrong and I quite often said to her on a regular basis to tell her mother. What she didn't understand was that she was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome that we later discovered at a rape crisis centre here in Australia.

Drinking played a major part in my abuser's life starting off with cider then on to babycham onto flavoured alcoholic drinks then to spirits like vodka and the last the triple strength distilled vodka. I was never a drinker but my abuser soon taught me over the years as I unknowingly become the enabler.

I started to suffer from financial abuse as my abuser with no qualifications didn't want to work in fear that she would be recognised as a rape victim so finances were tight bringing up a family. We had two boys. The second boy I still today question whether he was mine. The third child was aborted. My abuser was not too happy telling me she was pregnant and it was a shock to me as sex was very far and few between by then. We never spoke about that again.

As her addiction to alcohol become out of control and our home become an open house to other drinkers the violence escalated as I became more mentally impaired. Holding the secret of rape was now affecting both of us.

I was assaulted and put into hospital for many months nearly losing my eye had a broken eye socket and nose and had to on the go reconstructive surgery, the effects I still live with today. In hospital I told a doctor of what was happening at home in the hope that he would get someone to help me but that never happened. My abuser was in fear that I would now tell someone.

My sons witnessed things they shouldn't have living with two dysfunctional parents as they too become alcoholics in later life.

During the relationship we were all denied medical attention in some way or another. My abuser in fear that I would speak out so I learnt how to become my own dentist adapting tools in the shed to pull out my own teeth, the broken roots still in place today, still in fear to go to a dentist for help.

While at rape counselling here in Australia I had been diagnosed as the second rape victim in the relationship something my abuser hated as now my mental health condition and the effects of living With a rape victim was now documented. My abuser was given tasks to work on and a letter was drafted to send to her mother in the UK but it was never sent. She had to explain to her mother the truth of why our relationship was so dysfunctional and that was never going to happen.

I was hoping that rape counselling would finally put an end to domestic violence at home but in fact it got worse as I had become a regular fighter now against blame transfer that really was the basis of our relationship. Trying to get out of this dysfunctional relationship was a nightmare. The relationship by now involved so many people that had been told so many lies to cover the truth of her childhood rape. My mental health affected my job to the point I could no longer work. The police become regulars at my home. I even went to the police station asking for help but this was denied. My doctor suggested I contact mental health which I did but they could not help me as my abuser had rights due to a recent change in the mental health act, so I was alone. They did say I could ask for a section 5 with police escort but only to contact them when I was being attacked as they had to witness the attack. Do you know how hard it is to make a phone call for help while you're being attacked?! The phone was the first thing to go by my abuser. In pure desperation I would phone mental health many times asking for help, each time being refused, so the question is (and something I often pondered), where do I go for help?

To cut a long story short I started to attend Al Anon meetings for those affected by someone's drinking and the sister group AA. I found 2 great sponsors that sometimes witnessed what was going on at home, as did my friends that walked in while I was being attacked. I would attend up to 5 meetings a week telling my story and learning the Twelve steps in recovery and how to detach from my abuser. I was beginning to recover.

My abuser could see that I was changing as I began to openly speak about what was happening at home behind those closed doors. During the attacks I stopped trying to defend myself and let her do what she needed to do in her pure frustration that I was no longer becoming the enabler. Broken windows remain broken. A broken car would remain broken. Unpaid debts become prolonged unpaid debts.

She did eventually get a job purely to sustain her addiction to alcohol.

On the last night that we were to remain together in dysfunction, my abuser organised with two of her friends to come around and beat me up but I called the police that turned up the same time her friends did. My abuser a drunk and on advice from the police was asked to leave with her friends and the police advised me to go to court the next morning to get a interim intervention order, which I did. In front of the judge I stood there while he read my statement asking me questions until he said that my interim intervention order was granted. I broke down in tears. Years of abuse had a major impact on my life and I was overwhelmed. The judge asked me why I was crying. I replied I was in fear you wouldn't believe me.

There was a court case about 6 months later during that time I had to find documented evidence of domestic violence which was hard but in the end I produced quite a lot including evidence from my doctor. videos, photos, financial abuse, stat decs from friends, even the knife she used.

In court she got a 10 year no contact DVO.

The police even took a statement from me, but that was to take 2 more years. Warrants for her arrest were issued but she had already returned to the UK. Those warrants so badly needed during the court case that caused me so much financial losses.

I've had dealings with family law and as a victim of prolonged domestic violence family law fails dramatically. I lost my home that I worked hard for. Even though I managed to get my ex abuser financial reward, I became homeless, have no job, and with little savings me and my three dogs now live in my car. We travel the country now. Sometimes we get moved on by the police and they know I'm homeless as it's on their computer.

I did see a neuropsychologist who was recommended by victims of crime and over time talking I was diagnosed with C PTSD. My health is failing - a heart condition a gift from my abuser.

I have spoken at a Stop Domestic Violence conference in Melbourne about my dealings with the police trying to get help and the failings of the mental health system that allowed my abuser to continue to practice her arts of abuse. I was in the newspapers and I was asked to write a chapter in a book with other survivors of domestic violence that has now been published and I have recently helped other survivors to write their stories for the next book.

I'm in recovery now and one day I hope to recover from what I witnessed living with a dysfunctional partner with past unaddressed trauma. I try to help other men and women that have come out of a domestic violent relationships in confusion by telling them my story - a link that only we understand.

So, if you see a man with his dogs by the beach in ponder, or by the side of the road having a rest, stop and say Hi. I'll have the kettle on ready waiting for you and I always have chocolate biscuits tucked away under my front seat.

Well its time for me to go now. There's a mountain range in the far distance that needs exploring, and I do like taking photos documenting my journey in recovery.