TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Saturday
May202017

Anonymous personal story

Well it wasn't until I suffered a near death motorbike accident that I started to understand. Not being able to move due to severe pain gives you time to think. Later and with many therapy sessions under my belt did I get it. My ex-wife is a narcissist. I had all the tricks played on me and from this I developed PTSD. But it does not stop there.

The 3 years of family court fighting just to see my son did not help and enhanced the PTSD. Losing everything I worked hard for except my clothes, well that does have it's effects. Why can a woman lie in court, not obey court orders and nothing happens, but if a male does that he is in trouble? The constant persistent alienation of me to my son has now meant I have not seen him in over 4 years just for CSA money.

So my story is about the psychological and emotional violence as well as physical that women do to men and children in a marriage. And yes, I had to put up with the usual tantrums with breaking things - only mine - and throwing things and locking me out of the house and hitting me but I thought "man up - that is what men do - man up and just deal with it."

Wow, then family court... don't be a man in family court. You will lose everything and come out with PTSD. But then the constant pressure put on my son to not see me or have anything to do with me is disgusting, and guess what, all from a woman but "family violence is only due to men". Funny how it is recognised in the USA but not in Australia.

Why do police laugh at a man who is trying to protect himself and any children from a female? Why does the law not protect a man, a man trying to protect himself and his child? Why are the laws so one-sided? Why can a female cry and get help and support and have a male locked up in jail but when a male does it, nothing (well, he gets laughed at)? All of society is conditioned to the male being the perpetrator. My ex-wife gave my son's school some sob story and the school had a different opinion of me overnight. Just sit back and look at life: the message is sent constantly that men are the cause of family violence and unless a very strong message is put forth this will continue. Police, schools, judges, feminists all need to change their attitudes and that is not going to happen.

Thursday
May112017

Ken's personal story

I met my partner in 2005 & we were both living in different states at the time, a romance ensued & I flew regularly to spend time with her. She fell pregnant very early and from here everything changed. I very quickly moved in support of the situation to be present for the relationship and the baby. Upon arrival I was treated to a screaming fit about my friendship with an ex-girlfriend, and other accusations & constantly bullied via verbal abuse, shaming and guilting and other forms of psychological abuse & control. I also endured abuse from this woman's mother who would simply walk into the house demanding dinner for herself and 1/2 dozen kids she would faerie around everyday, and would make demands about her access to my child like she owned her.

I moved us to a different state of Australia, because I believed taking the partner away from the abusive family environment may help. But her angry outbursts and aggressive behaviours magnified, I never knew what person I would find when I returned home and felt like the home was a minefield. She made frequent unreasonable demands for constant involvement in all household duties (cooking 4 nights week, cleaning, bathing child, etc, etc). She remained at home all day while I worked & I would come home and find the place in utter chaos? If I brought this to her attention I was abused and called a misogynist, and constantly berated about my input to the family. I transformed from a very outgoing, high-achieving & optimistic person into a reclusive, pessimistic & angry one. So much so, my family felt I was unrecognisable.

One year I tried to have my young adult daughter from a previous relationship live with us, the ex turned it into an absolute nightmare and verbally abused my daughter & kicked her out. Despite the fact I had raised her child as my own for the 9 years of the relationship. The ex also denied me the time and space to respond to a friend who was suicidal and needed a safe place, and was so unbelievably selfish and insecure she made it about proving she was more important? So sustained, directed and aggressive was her abuse that I eventually lost 3 jobs in just 6 months due to depression and stress & ended up in a psych ward.

We ended up in court twice for domestic violence orders, both times because she instigated physical assaults on me & I was forced to call the police to stop her. The second time she destroyed nearly $4000 of my personal items after unplugging the phone line when I attempted to call 000 to stop her. Fortunately the police wrote the order on her but she then went to court & filed a cross order on me. When all I did was try to recover an expensive device she was running off with while screaming “I'll smash this f**king thing”, & caused a small bruise on her wrist when I grabbed her.

Since leaving this woman 18 months ago she continues to use CSA, and the legal system (through grants) to harass and exploit me for increasing levels of money. Even though she has more than 80% of the family assets and was paid 3 times the nominated support. And has never offered settlement for relationship debts or the cost of the personal property she destroyed in a fit of rage. The amount of time I have to waste communicating with various agencies she sends after me, money for legal fees & the complete lack of support I have as a male in this situation are impacting on my emotional and physical well-being.

I feel utterly powerless to stop this woman who seems to be able to access unlimited free legal support & is now taking me to court due to her own refusal to agree to settlement of what she owes, so we can have a fair division of assets.

Friday
May052017

Mark's personal story

I was in my second relationship for 18 years having left my wife for this new relationship. Whilst my 2 children came and went in rotation, I spent most of my time with the new partner and her 2 children.

I became ever-more aware over time how difficult her circumstances had been whilst growing up, and the extent of the physical, sexual and emotional abuse she had suffered over many years, prior to our meeting. I am, as it turns out, a bit of a “rescuer,” and I was certain that she would be safe with me. And for a time things went well.

Her children were more outspoken and defiant than my own, and would unite against me and criticise me and call me names. My partner began to show an explosive side, and had difficulty managing her emotions and words at times. They seemed to be able to be mostly civil when my own children were with me. But that was only half of the time. I felt that I had chosen them knowing of past abuse, so it was my job to try to assist in any way I could and be forgiving as I could.

The violence however, began to escalate. Periodically there would be dramatic confrontations with me on one side and 1, 2 or 3 of them against me. Biting, scratching, punching…from them, not me. Apologies were thin on the ground. “When I run out of words I use my fists”. I was pushed through a plate glass door and survived. Into a painting which shattered the glass. Hair-pulling. Broken rib, multiple black eyes, bloodied face, many blows to the head, threatened with stabbing, thrown plates, tennis racket blows, upturned furniture, smashed with a metal scooter, (lucky I got my forearm in the way or it would have been my head.) She punched, or threatened to punch a number of my friends. Yes, there were physical altercations, pushing and shoving occurred. Yes I slapped her once with an open hand. I felt so sad, criticised and disrespected and it overcame me. I felt terrible afterwards. The projection from them was that I was the major problem, but violence has not ever been part of the rest of my life or any other relationships. I thought they would work it out sooner or later.

I didn’t feel there was any place to turn for support with this. All publicity was focused on battered women and kids. I called the Men’s Helpline in desperation. But the counsellor was very nice even though I was not the standard case he would normally deal with! I know it is in the minority of DV cases, but there seemed to be no specialised support mechanisms for what I was going through. Why did I stay only to be bashed again, sooner or later? I thought of it as a test of my unconditional love. “Maybe now, that I had been so damaged, they will finally see the error of their ways and return the love I had given for 18 years”. Just pathetic, really.

The make-up sex was always really great though and I was convinced this was how love goes, and I’d put it behind me and move forward.

As a man, it is embarrassing to say you have been beaten by a young girl, a young man, your woman. So you downplay it. I resolved to handle things better, to find ways to avert these problems arising before they became so heated. The yelling and name-calling was painful enough, but at least I could go to work visibly unscathed the following day. Often there would be a further stream of swearing and verbal abuse just before I went to work the following morning. My pleas regarding this only seemed to fuel her on. So I would turn up for work quite often really struggling but no option than to just carry on regardless, got to feed people and pay the mortgage.

In the end she left me, after her daughter died of a drug overdose. It is only now that I have begun to process and question how I learned to accept the abuse from 3 people who I loved, and the cumulative effect on me after many episodes over 18 years. What was I thinking?

Friday
Apr282017

Loving Mum's personal story

Myself and my son are family violence survivors. My daughter did not survive. But this post is about my son, who is only 7 years old and has suffered with immense anxiety since the day he was born, there doesn't go a day where he isn't anxious. He sees a psychologist every fortnight and is one of the smartest kids in his grade. Despite his anxiety he is a very happy boy that loves gaming and has a great circle of friends. We are now a stable happy family and I hope with the continued psychologist sessions he will continue to improve.

Family and domestic violence can affect absolutely anyone. Just because one statistic is lower than another doesn't mean that they should be ignored. Men deserve more than what they currently have.

Thursday
Apr062017

Max's personal story

I am grateful that you feature this issue.

I have been abused by my wife multiple times, both verbally and physically. After numerous violent attacks from her, I finally called the police for help.

They took her into hospital for a mental check up. The doctor there couldn't find out anything wrong about her and they put the attacks down to "hormone imbalances" as she was 4 months pregnant at that time.

The policeman who spoke to me - me having a shiner and other signs of her serious beatings - told me exactly what your article states, "...to just wear it on the chin..." and "...to man up."

He even said he was doing the same at home sometimes. Go figure!

Being newly wed, I stuck inside this violent relationship for another 12 months - a baby was on the way too - not an ideal time for a break up.

The violence from her continued, bearing in mind that I have never been violent towards her.

Desperate, I then sent a lengthy e-mail explaining the ongoing torture to the Psychological Doctor who initially assessed her as well as to the mental health nurse who knew her, asking for help.

By now I had been attacked whilst holding our baby in my arms.

Both Nurse and Doctor never got back to me or followed this up.

Prior to having a baby or the police being involved - when my wife first started being violent towards me - I contacted my wife's family, asking for help.

Their reply was that she was "my problem now" and that "I had to deal with her." Her parents are not uneducated either - her stepmother even being a nurse herself.

We now are separated but I have suffered from depression since this has happened last year.

I have not been able to go back to work and find the worst about it all is the absolute lack of support from the system.

Coping with this is hard as it is expected from a man to just deal with it.

Needless to say it has been devastating.

Hope the world wakes up to this, hence I wrote my story here.