If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.



Mark's personal story

I am a forty year old man and I grew up in a family where my mother was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive. Every day of our lives as kids was spent in fear of what events would occur that day. My father was a gentle man and was stabbed one time, hit over the head with a brick in which it fractured his skull, chased down the street with a knife, plates thrown at him, yelling screaming constantly and the list goes on and on.

I personally as a young boy was hit on a regular basis with a golf club, baseball bat and anything else she could find at the time. I was a shy child and in grade four developed hyperhidrosis (profuse sweating) and an extreme fear of being attacked. I wouldn't speak and would lock myself in my room to avoid my mother. I grew up in constant fear and terror of the next time the violence would turn towards me instead of someone else in my family.

My baby sister continually wet the bed all through primary school, my eldest brother became heavily involved in drugs in order to ease the pain and my eldest sister has never recovered. My father passed away of a heart attack at an early age and I have attended many years of continual counselling. I don't believe I will ever fully recover yet over the years I have built a strong resilience through continual study and male mentors that have helped me in ways I could never fully express.


Stephen's personal story

Just over six years ago, my ex alienated me from our children, disconnected the phone and moved children without notice and without address for children, then the intimidating tactics and false allegations started, as well as threats of violence due to asking to see the children publicly, her family and friends have even been helping her ever since. She refuses any access and any correspondence and contact with children, I don't know if they are dead or alive. The psychological abuse and other abuse she is doing to me and the child, is domestic violence apparently supported by our government and society, asking for 50/50. Her threats of saying I am dangerous etc, and her gaslighting and baiting is also unbelievable, I don't know how to deal with the violence and threats


Anonymous personal story

I'm done, I'm broken. Raised the babies. Tried to protect them from the abuse. She just clicked her fingers and took my soul, my reason for living. The courts and the people within the system helped her and swept my story (and the children's) off the table. I'm done. I'm broken. When I see the posters and the adverts saying how valued dads are - I feel sick. I am turning into a misogynist. I will probably go the way she wants me to go. To all the men out there - give up! Do not bother with the courts. The lawyers just work out how much money you have and take it from there. The woman always wins. All she has to do is not engage. The courts (as we were informed) do not award 50/50 if there is no cooperation. My children are stressing. I've been told to ‘keep a diary’ but no one cares. Gutted and broken. I'm done.


Janine's personal story

My son lived for 13 years with a woman he met as a very young man. The relationship had issues because his partner had been abused as a child and lived in a family where violence was normal. He survived as long as he did in this relationship by living his own separate life whilst still with her. He was promoted at work and moved offshore. She did not want to go. Being away from her gave him the courage to finally leave her. Once the separation was finally settled he announced on Facebook that he and his partner were no longer together.

Within days he was contacted by a woman his age. A NZer living in Melbourne. They met and found that they had grown up in the same area. Things moved quickly. He brought her home to meet us pre Christmas 5 years ago now. She spent the first hour of our meeting telling us what an amazing family she had and how she loved them but did not spend more than a couple of hours with them on this trip home. A few weeks later our son came home to NZ for Christmas while she stayed and partied with friends in Australia.

The phone calls were worrying. He would be enjoying time with this nieces and nephews then his phone would ring and his mood would change. Eventually after a few of these calls he cut his trip home short and returned to Melbourne and waited at her flat for her to return. Within weeks of Christmas she became pregnant. Her family greeted this news with suspicion and we were confused. They lost the baby but she became pregnant again very quickly. They came home together a few months before the baby was born. During that visit there appeared to be a breakdown in the relationship between the woman and her family. Our son claimed the family were saying nasty things about his partner and whispering behind closed doors about them. They did not come back to NZ the next Christmas claiming the child was too young to travel. We had visited when the child was born and found things were more than a little strained.

Each time we visited we were told increasingly horrific stories about this woman's past relationship with both her family and other partners. Story that indicated that she was the subject of continued abuse in all those relationships. When the child was 13 months old they came home again this time to go on a Christmas holiday with our entire family. This is the first time we saw the degree of abusive, rough and threatening behaviour on her part towards both my son and our grandchild. We were shocked. In the February following that holiday our son called to say she had lashed out and punched him in the head whilst he was holding the baby, both he and the baby had bruises on their faces. He had left the house and was calling me whilst driving towards a work colleague's home where he intended to stay.

My advice to him now seems so stupid. I told him to go back to stay and ensure that the baby was safe. I went to Melbourne and tried to get him some legal help. All the advice indicated that he would struggle to get the courts to believe he was the one being abused. That with her history of convincing people that she was the victim it was likely that he would be blamed. I spoke with her family here in NZ who confirmed for the first time that this woman had a significant illness, that yes as a child her birth mother and partner had abused her, but that she had finally been rescued by her father and stepmother and had lived with them since she was 9 years old without any abuse in that family whatsoever.

My son decided to go back to the relationship as his partner agreed to counselling. She never went, then suddenly they were having another child. After the second child things became much worse, she attacked our son with knives, locked the little one outside for punishment, and was rough with the new baby. No one was allowed to have anything to do with the new baby including our son. Bit by bit over this time she alienated our son from firstly her family and his own. We tricked her into coming back to NZ this last Christmas and forced her into psychiatric care. Eventually they went back to Melbourne where she has all but completely shut his family out of his life.

I am currently the only one he still talks to. He understands and I agree with him that if he was to just GET OUT he would have to leave the kids behind at least initially. Even if he got 50% custody the kids would need to spend 50% of their life with an abusive parent without the second parent there to rescue them if things got really bad. So he stays. The most difficult part of all this is how this woman behaves outside this relationship, she is so convincing to other people about how loving and caring she is when in reality our son does all the work with the children. Our biggest fear is that she will kill him or the kids before they can safely get away.


Chris' personal story

I was the frog that got caught in the pot of water. I met my ex wife through mutual friends and our romance bloomed, probably a bit too quickly. Within three months I had moved in with her and her three kids from a previous marriage. My love for her was immense and I enjoyed spending time with her. As our relationship progressed, dark clouds started to appear on the horizon. I was very intimate about my past, feelings and hopes for the future. She never seemed to reciprocate and was quite sketchy about her past, and failed relationships/marriage. What she did mention about her past marriage quite evidently later was a lie.

We progressed as a couple and we eventually took the plunge and decided to build a house together. After this we had our own son together and we eventually married within 4 years. Once we settled down in the new house things took a change for the worse. I was constantly accused of cheating. She would be constantly checking my phone, emails & wallet. One instance she confronted me about an SMS from a fellow female coworker. The SMS was about time what we would meet on site. She took this as hookup time. Nothing I said or do could get convince her otherwise. She went into a rage that built and built. I eventually went to bed and she later that night shook me awake screaming in my ears my name. Later the next morning she woke like nothing happened.

She would start arguments over trivial things that went round in circles and I seemed I could not solve. Issues from the past constantly came up and it was like fighting the past. She would never open up intimately about her feelings and whenever I tried to about mine I was swatted away and told to deal with them. I kept on trying to sweep them under the carpet, trying to look for the wife that I married but it seemed like I was throwing life down a well with a big crack down below.

I travel quite a bit with my work, and it became apparent she was starting to alienate me from my son. I would ring in the evening and would ask to speak to him. She would say he was asleep, but I could hear him in the background, or she would simply say that he would not want to speak to me. The arguments continued through the relationship and she would say she would get better, but she never did. I felt that I was ignored and I was just a passenger in the family. No matter what I did the goalposts seemed to change daily.

We returned from a recent family vacation to the US and without any warning she asked for a separation. It all seemed odd and and after a bit of investigation it was revealed that she had been having an affair with a co-worker for the last 7 months. On discovery that I had found out, her hostility to me increased. My self worth was destroyed, and she made out our relationship to be fit and of my imagination. The gaslighting, projection and lies were horrendous. It became quickly evident she had begun a smear campaign against me with close friends and family. I was lucky that I had the evidence I needed to prove otherwise. This further enraged her and the emotional abuse and threats of physical abuse increased.

Since separation she has done everything in her power to financially and emotionally control me. It seemed like and still feel like she wants to hold on to cause more pain. My mother in law in passing one day smirked and casually said to me "don't mess with a borderline" and she walked off. I have great friends and family, but this is the most traumatic ordeal I have faced.