TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Monday
Oct232017

Randall's personal story

I have kept my situation quiet hoping for change here at home and never getting it but broken promises, hopes shattered, it's finally enough. I will not stoop to the level of my wife. I will not be carted off in a police van because no one will believe me and men must be responsible somehow. Disproportionate response by her and by any definition pure psych, verbal, physical abuse. I have made my first appointment with a a counselling centre today for me to spill my guts.

I used to want to be a loving husband, supportive, caring, protector. Now I am anxious about what I might coming home to her if she is unbalanced and/or drinking. I've been threatened with physical harm, silence, blame “if you used a different tone none of this would have happened"... or if you came to me in some unknown “different” way it would be different, or basically it's all your fault. Physical abuse (no longer defend myself and I have lost it a couple of times and very remorseful that I was goaded to her level) verbal abuse ("piece of shit” plus much more), derogatory comments from penis size!! to somehow hurt me? continued contact she defended with ex-boyfriend of 9 months “he understands me”, kicked, spat at, slapped, pushed down a staircase, lit cigarette flicked in my face, poked in my face (last night), shirt-fronted (last night again), room burst into at 3am outburst again, accusations unfounded, punching.

We sleep in step rooms and I was angrily told “she would shoot me on sight if I went into her room” well she's from Brooklyn but doesn't own a gun... yet. She has had childhood PTSD from my research (to help why things are so crazy)... undiagnosed and unresolved. Refuses pro help and uses our marriage to express her lack of love for herself and damaged self-esteem from my estimation but if there's a problem with us I can't express and she uses intimidation. I have moved heaven and earth for her in 3, yes only 3 years of marriage. (My second marriage) And I have a lot of shite to deal with, more than I bargained for, with little support from anywhere, I drink, am depressed can't see how I can get her out of my life without ending up in a Salvo hostel I'm so invested.

I paid her visa etc married her here and helped her move from the USA. No kids between! All last nights screaming & physical disproportionate anger is never acknowledged, it is all my fault. She will take NO responsibility for her actions. Including her verbal and physical assault. Now it's escalating happening weekly. Loud loud yelling (while I keep it low so can never get a word in, stomped, my views dismissed, not heard). Today at work she sent me 19 texts including telling me what abusive relationships look like... abuse in itself. Would like us to be more spiritual and yet disrespects herself and her marriage.

I look forward to my session so I can understand if I really am in an abusive marriage or is this normal? I was in a 20 year ex-marriage. Violence against men is real... we must make men feel less shamed and respect that men can suffer too... And not in their own silence!!! I want to hear and co-support from blokes who are hanging on and trying to maintain dignity in the face of adversity from the person that want to love yours but just cannot... are anxious, feeling shamed, misunderstood.

Saturday
Oct212017

James' personal story

Domestic violence cannot be fixed until the whole picture is seen, which includes a ton of female violence towards children and their partners. My story is very long and involves more than 6 abusive female relationships. I'll focus on the first with my marriage. My wife was constantly verbally abusive – highly critical, demeaning, and cruel. She especially delighted in ridiculing me in front of her close friends. She left the worst behaviour for behind closed doors, so most people thought she was nice.

She regularly punched me, and criticised my sexual interactions with her (comparing me unfavourably with her past conquests), and any task I performed around the house as well as my appearance, posture and mannerisms. She always wanted money to follow her latest desire and promised to repay me in the future – which she never did. If I challenged her about abuse she would threaten to leave or run off with another guy – leaving me to cover all the debts she'd accumulated.

When she got pregnant everything became 10 times worse, and after our child was born I became suicidal because I was working full time and getting no sleep at night (looking after our child) and being constantly yelled at. I organised and paid for a year of marriage counselling, but she was resolute in maintaining her position which was that everything was my fault.

After we split up her games began. She used our child as a pawn and made her unavailable when I wanted to see our child, and dumped our child onto me when I was flat out with work. She promised to stay nearby for our child's easy access to me and my family, but she moved several times further away. She wanted me to sign passport papers for our child to go on holiday to Fiji and promised she would never move overseas when I questioned that. Not long after she moved overseas for what she promised was a few years, but ended up staying indefinitely. Many years later my child returned as an adolescent and she came too. Her games continue to this day, our child is now an adult and living away from her, so I have some contact but she still manages to interfere and influence our offspring negatively towards me.

Sunday
Oct152017

Jeff's personal story

I have been assaulted twice by my (ex) fiancee. The first time she managed to leave QLD before the Police were able to arrest her and I was advised she'd be arrested if she ever returned. The next time was in the ACT (where we live permanently). Despite the Police taking photos of bruising and scratching around my neck where she attempted to strangle me and despite being provided with a recording my 11 year old son took on his iPad, they refused to charge her because they felt they wouldn’t get a successful prosecution. What an absolute joke. I’m at my wits end. I had to lodge a complaint with the AFP Professional Standards Unit to get the Gungahlin Police to even accept the additional evidence I had in the first place. What more evidence do they need? No wonder men don’t report assaults as we’re just treated with contempt.

Thursday
Oct122017

Venkat's personal story

I am a victim of domestic violence and I should share my story here. We have been married for 5 years now and the violence started from day one. At first I thought it's common and we can work on the relationship to do better. Now I regret that decision I made - I should have left her before she got pregnant.

Now I have my daughter who is 3 years old and I am locked into a situation where I cannot leave my wife since I don't want a troubled childhood for my kid. She abuses me with vulgar words, scratches all over my body with her fingernails, drags me all around the house holding my hair. The worst part is sometimes she feels sorry for what she has done and as a man I feel sorry for her and just say to myself "let's carry on." It's all because of my angel daughter I am still surviving each and every day with a nightmare.

I am collecting all the evidence I can, and keeping it safe at the moment. I am expecting to survive this life for at least the next 3 years by which time my child should be able to understand the problems I face and I hope she will understand why I have to leave this relationship.

But nowadays I am having nightmares with no sleep at night as I am scared of her.

I am head of a region working outside my country and staying with my family. This gives me more difficulty since she always threatens to report to the police that I abuse her. She is ignorant about the consequences of issues like this in a foreign land where my whole career will be gone if I get charged with abuse in a foreign land.

I am dying every day and all my worries are about my daughter. I want her to be a great woman leader in the future. I don't know what to do and I want my daughter.

Friday
Oct062017

Pete's personal story

I am now 18 months since separation but her abuse lay in her ability to draw me back in with promises never fulfilled. Last Christmas I took a stand and I refused spending a night with her after her success at reuniting us the previous month. I took a personal stand against twelve long years of alcohol fuelled domestic violence and abuse which came in all textbook forms.

My brilliance and I guess ironically my downfall was at hiding her abuse from others. I have no witnesses. My own children feel too intimidated to come forward. She assaulted me with her parents in the very next room one night, splitting my head open before attempting to drive from our farm drunk. In trying to get the keys from her, I received a barrage of kicks through the car window and then she forced me to hide my blood stained face by climbing through a bedroom window. I then overheard the humiliation as she returned to her cheerful self, explaining to her mystified family that I had suddenly got tired and needed some sleep.

That is one of about fifteen assaults – always around summer time – always when she's had a skinful. In between I have dealt with economic and emotional abuse, social isolation, irrational and imagined jealousies and gas-lighting, where she would set me up in conflict with people ranging from her sons, to my own brothers and with complete strangers, sit back and watch the carnage and then deny ever having said a thing: building a protective wall around her violence by fabricating evidence that ‘Pete clearly has an anger issue’.

And why was last Christmas so important for me to be strong and make that final break? Because exactly twelve months before, she attempted – drunk beyond comprehension – to kill me in her car in front of our then seven year old son. A Christmas night ruined. Gifts damaged; our son screaming; the night punctuated by a punch to the back of my head: a king hit that would have had a man jailed within about an hour.

It takes time to recover. It takes time to sit back and take stock and after a year apart and the anniversaries of assaults and the overwhelming dread of being alone and realising that your behaviours are due to the trauma you have suffered, it finally dawns. Sadly the twelve month statute of limitations hinders any prosecution. Attempted murder and it was her lawyer gloating to me that the cops had given up before I finally asked them for an update. Their response: ‘oh, yeah? didn't we mention? Must have slipped our mind.’ Her lawyer has threatened me with an AVO and has demanded I make all communication through him. I refuse because it would give that ounce of credibility to her nonsense where there is none: I never hurt or threatened to hurt her or any family member. Or any person for that matter. Ever. The irony in being threatened with an AVO cuts deep. And it shames where there needs to be justice instead. Her lawyer quite hates me: well, he thinks he does. He's blinded by his well-funded heroism with a one-woman audience who knows how well he's being duped. Poor sod hasn't quite worked it out yet and so keeps advising her poorly.

And now she has withheld my son from me for eight long months and I am beside myself with grief for him. What will that first conversation look like? What do I say when he asks ‘where have you been?’

What protects me and him? Is it any coincidence that her two now adult sons from another man never saw their father during their lifetime? Is it any coincidence we only have her word that he needed lawful action taken against him? I raised those two men of hers. Homework. School fees. The sex talk. Scooping vomit, the drop punt and wrong-un (I even built their bloody bedrooms from scratch) and their thanks has come in the form of estrangement. Even in the face of their mother's irrational drunken madness, they show that their blood is still thicker.

She is now doing the same to my son. And there is nothing I can do.