TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Jan162015

John

It is great to have these stories. We need change. I will probably never have a long term relationship again, but not because of physical violence, instead because of financial abuse. Like so many guys I have talked to, when we get screwed out of all the money (we do all the work and she just free loads and then takes all the money) we think what is the point of working. Because of this many guys live in the bush or in a caravan and earn just enough to survive. The females miss out too. No guys want a relationship and the girls have to settle for buying a cat. This cycle has been brought about by the legal system and is now in the attitudes of society. I understand many will think this is a lame complaint, however it needs addressing too.

Monday
Nov242014

Tony

I am sitting here at 11pm after another pointless, aggressive argument. I live in fear each and every day, not for me but for the mental health of my 9 year old son. My partner has been abusive really from the very beginning, about 10 years we have been together, she fell pregnant very early on and gave birth to a fantastic boy, though this is when the anger started, towards the baby! Screaming at him, accusing him of kicking her deliberately, of taunting her? I was the one who nursed him to sleep at night, fed him, to this day she has never bought him so much as an item of clothing.

Maybe this was post-natal depression? I mentioned it to our GP who interviewed her, he got back to me, laughed and said no way she was wonderful. This was when I started to have doubts about her mental stability, her ability to lie and manipulate people into believing her (I was one of those people, being told about all her past abusive and physical violent relationships, previous boyfriends and even an abusive father). I now do not believe any of it, I think in each case they threw her out to get out of the domestic violence SHE was instigating. I know this because I too have now become a victim.

There are now 7 separate holes in my house walls, I have been kicked and slapped, constantly yelled at, doors slammed onto me, accused of all sorts of things, including hitting my son (where she called police, DOCS, Centacare, the school principal), and could not wait to tell me about it when I got home. It was like she was only happy if there was an issue going on, unable to live what I would call a normal happy life. (I have never hit my son, a misjudged rumble one afternoon caught him off guard and he was winded, this is what started all the reporting). Interestingly we constantly argue about her hitting him all the time?

Every fathers day, Christmas, my birthday or simply a special event for me she seems to sabotage it. Always a massive argument, I am slowly learning to just not come home or be in a room where she is not, yet this does not always work, tonight is a classic example. I am off tomorrow with a best mate to Cairns, a 5am wakeup to take me to the airport, I asked her to make sure our son was in bed at 7.30 because of the early start and still a school day, I went to sleep. I awoke at 9.15pm, she was playing on the computer, he was playing cars. I mentioned that he should be in bed, well instant yelling. I rang dad to see if he could take me to the airport, the phone got ripped out of my hand, thrown objects, old arguments immediately brought up, name calling. I went downstairs to say goodbye to my son, she ran off in the street yelling "Help, Help, someone help me?". At least my father was on the phone and heard what went on. She took our son away and drove off to her other house (I asked her to leave 4 months ago when she cracked my head open on a door, putting my foot down and saying she must leave, that this is not a house with domestic violence, though she still comes to my house every day, eats here four times a week at least). I did not say goodbye to my son. What is he thinking at this point? I don't dare go over there for fear of more screaming and abuse.

I am depressed and came online searching for options, my holiday is ruined, I wont be able to relax. All I want is a happy son and I am starting to see cracks appear in him.

How many men are in the shadows falling apart with no-one there to see, no support and feeling guilt that we failed as a partner and as a father. I know it's not my fault but where to now?

At least I'm feeling a little better after writing this and reading all the stories here. I am not alone, and that helps in a small way.

Monday
Nov242014

Flynn

Firstly, thank you to all the brave souls that have told their stories here.

I found this site whilst at work and I almost broke down in tears reading some of the nightmares that people have lived through and for how long. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and the impact it has had on my life is profound. I am forever thankful that it lasted no longer than it did and that we brought no children into the world.

I remember clearly the first act of physical violence my girlfriend unleashed on me. It was whilst watching the bloody royal wedding. She threw her iPhone into my face, full force from 2 meters away. She always claimed that it was an accident, that she didn't mean to hit me but I knew, I had seen her face as she threw it. The rage and anger that had distorted her face had sprung up out of nowhere and it was a face that I would see many times over in the years to come. On this occasion it was over unfounded jealousy and booze. I was lucky in that this was the only time she connected with my face and the only time I had to go to hospital, although it wasn't for lack of trying. She threw full bottles of wine at my head, plates, glasses, remote controls: anything at hand.

A typical evening would involve an argument if I wanted to go to bed, being woken up when she finally stumbled in drunk, being kicked out of bed and onto the couch. 20 min later she would return to kick me off the couch and downstairs into my studio. 20 min later she would come to the studio door and if she found it locked and go into an absolute blinding rage, literally trying to batter down the door and screaming that I am never to lock a door on her. If i let her into the studio then I had to be prepared for her to smash whatever she felt like smashing. Finally she might wear herself out and I could cry myself to sleep.

This was at least a weekly event. I started to feel homeless in my own home. I couldn't get a decent night sleep, exhausted and fearful of the inevitable outbursts. I attempted one night to break the pattern, instead of retreating to a locked room and lying there as she tires herself out trying to break the door down I instead hid behind the couch and tried to sleep there. It worked in that she never found me, the down side was that I had to hear her drunken tirade as she cursed me out, sitting on the couch I was hiding behind. Vocalising what she really thought of me, not knowing I was 40cm behind her, crying silently and hoping she would just hurry up and go to bed and pass out.

There were so many days and nights like this, I began to realise that I couldn't remember the last time I had been truly happy, for a whole day without it being ruined by some argument or situation.

It was when I recently saw the list elsewhere on this site of the impacts on male victims that I realised just how deeply I had been hurt by that relationship. Except for the two impacts concerning children, since escaping from that situation I have struggled with all those other impacts and its been hard to get back on my feet. I've turned into a hermit, I'm depressed and tired all the time but with each day it seems like its all hurting just that little bit less. I've travelled further along the healing path and I'm starting to feel good about myself again, to regain my confidence and to know that I am not the only man struggling quietly with this issue is of great comfort to me.

Tell your stories Gentlemen, they deserve to be told.

Monday
Nov242014

Justin

I was in an abusive marriage for years. She verbally abused me from the beginning, the physical abuse started about 11 months into the marriage. It started out with slaps on the head for saying or doing something she didn't approve of. Eventually, it escalated into slaps on the body and sometimes in the face. A couple years later, I would sometimes get kicks and punches, including to the face and groin.

Now that I have been out of the marriage a few years, it all seems like a blurry nightmare. Even after a year of counselling, I still don't like to talk about it (I do so here to hopefully help someone else). Anytime I think about it, my body tenses and my mind starts racing. If I don't get it out of my head quickly, a feeling of panic sets in.

I remember being told to "man up" and being laughed at by people, including some of my own family members, who witnessed or heard about her abuse of me. Also, my ex wife was VERY aware of the attitudes and practices of society in general and law enforcement and the courts in particular. She would tell me straight to my face that she would make up a story about me accusing her if I ever called the police. Her sisters told me, again, right to my face, that they would lie to the police and get me arrested. All the things I saw in the media about domestic violence, being portrayed as "men are perpetrators, women are victims" issue just reinforced in me that I would never get a fair treatment if authorities got involved. The final straw that made me give up hope of getting official help came when I called a domestic violence hotline. The counsellor on the phone treated me like I WAS THE PROBLEM. She actually referred me to a batterer's program.

I only got away, finally, from the abuse when I became so depressed and withdrawn that I was having trouble functioning at work. Once my earning utility to her was threatened, I was then useless to her and the marriage ended. I desperately hope that things change dramatically in society. There are A LOT of male victims that need help (and future male victims that are going to need help). There are A LOT of female perpetrators (and male perpetrators in the case of gay couples) that also need help and, where appropriate, punishment. Something has to break the cycle.

Monday
Nov102014

Tim

My wife belted me and the kids on several occasions during our marriage and even chased me out of the house with a knife threatening to kill me. I have never laid one finger on her or the kids ever.

She is an alcoholic and the kids were often exposed to her bad behaviour. We lived under the same room but in separate bedrooms for 3 years. I then found out that she had been on the adult sex website adultmatchmaker after she failed to log out of the family computer.

I discovered that for over a year, she had been going down to the local car park by the beach in Bayside, Melbourne at night (when she told me she was going out for her hour walk each night) and had been having unprotected sex with several dozen strangers in their cars - with men she had met online and going to swinger events and have orgies and unprotected sex with large groups of swingers in Bayside.

When I confronted her about it, she called the police, took the kids from me and got an intervention order against me, because she claimed she felt I 'might' become violent. And that's all the police care about. As a man, you might and could have the potential to be violent. Therefore, under this current legislation, EVERY man is guilty already as we all have 'potential' to become violent.

I told the police she has hit me and she even agreed she had and that I'd never hit her. The police said, the system isn't fair mate, but your in a lot of trouble because your wife says she fears "you might" become violent after finding out about her private life and that's the law and how I breached her privacy by looking at her online sex activities with other men. I'm now facing charges and a criminal record for reading her history on the family computer, that I bought and paid the internet access for!

I have spent every cent on legal fees and been in the court system for 10 months now. I even have a court appointed family report saying that the kids should live with the father and even in the short term, the kids should not remain with the mother.

The judge said: "well, I don't really like moving kids from where they are! We'll leave all children matters or the final trial in 6 months time."

They should never have been taken in the first place, but I had no choice, no say and the police did nothing when she took them from me. It seems as a dad I have no rights at all, I am completely shafted by the courts and legal system. Nobody cares about dads. Women can behave badly, and do whatever they like and the court or police do nothing.

I have already been told, despite the court reporter clearly recommending that the kids live with me and that this is the kids wishes too, that it is extremely unlikely any judge in Victoria will change the current living arrangements, and in fact because there is no agreement, there is even a high chance that the time I already get will be reduced further in final orders.

COMPLETE and UTTER madness, injustice and unfair.

Men have little or no rights in Australia in the family court.

The sad part about the whole thing, the kids are not better off with her and should be with me (as even the court reporter noted). The court is not acting in the best interests of the children.

Women want equal pay, equality in the workplace etc but family law is far more unjust towards men than any of these issues.