TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Sep052010

Graham

I was only an infant when my parents sent me to a house inhabited by a sexual abuser.
Both the husband and wife were sexual abusers.
I know I remember.
I remember the painful penetration.
I screamed "Noooo ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
I pleaded not to be taken back there
My grandparents would have cared for me that day.
How does a two year old explain he is being raped?
The decades of verbal and emotional abuse which followed to cover it up were terrible.

I was a lucky one to have members of my extended family to give me support, understanding and affirmation of my self-worth.

My story is at www.my.story.grahamguy.com.

Without a Christian Faith, relevant teaching at Church and caring Pastors I would have imploded a long time ago.

Resources are needed for adult male survivors of sexual assault during childhood.

What is out there is very limited hence my own web site.

I've lived to tell my story.
I owe it to other survivors to put it out there.

Saturday
Jul172010

Con

When our relationship began it all appeared quite normal, but it eventually became clearer I was about to be on the receiving end of a mother with BPD and to receive a constant barrage of verbal abuse and fabricated accusations.

One of her favourite ploys was to pick up our young child and sling verbal abuse, physically poke me and make wild accusations. This is an old provocative trick which many mothers use as I found out. The object was to try and get me to retaliate so she can make comment to the effect of "he abused me while I was holding our child." These verbal barrages persisted for months, then years, projecting all her wild irrational thoughts and actions onto me, all in front of our child.

Always degraded and humiliated around friends and family. Told I don't make enough money. Spat on. Poisoned.

I dearly hope our child is not treated the same.

Wednesday
Jul142010

Barvis

I met and fell in love with a beautiful lady. We lived together for 22 years, had 3 healthy sons. We never had any domestic violence, never any police problems, never any aggressive arguments. We were able to discuss whatever we wanted, we had respect for each other and supported each other. After 22 years we grew apart. Our divorce was generally painless and our settlement did not involve a court. We actually live next to each other to this day.

One year later I met a lady who is 11 years younger than me. At first our relationship was amazing. I told her things that my ex-wife did not know. She showed only a small amount of jealousy towards me. Then one night I found her crawling on the floor. She had a friend up from Nimbin and she was off her face. From that day this extremely jealous monster appeared.

She defamed one of my good friends to his wife. She started spreading false rumours about my ex-wife. She constantly verbally abused all of the female and male friends I had. Over a period of 2 years she moved in and out of my house 4 times. She was fanatical about having a child with me and became pregnant. She told me that smoking a small amount of marijuana stopped her from getting morning sickness. It wasn't until halfway through the pregnancy that I found out she had smoked a large bag of dope in 3 weeks. When I asked her about it she moved out the next day.

During the period we lived together she accused me of having 18 affairs. Another night I caught her going through my personal computer. I asked her to turn it off. The next morning I found out she had kept reading very personal family letters. Once again she moved out. I found out that while she was pregnant she went down to the Northern Rivers and lived on alcohol and dope for a week.

After our daughter was born she got worse, and on one occasion after her and a friend of hers were stoned, she bit me on the arm. She then called the police stating that I had stolen my own daughter. She moved out again. Her son, who at the time was 7, told me that he had to look after himself, my daughter and mummy because mummy was so wasted that he could not wake her up. This happened twice.

After the baby was born she became very depressed and tried to jump out of my moving car. I went to the local crisis centre and pleaded for some help, but none was given. She started to constantly lie, accusing me of stalking her and hitting her. The town I live in is very small and the rumour mill started.

She started to hang out with one of the local drug dealers and in March last year she told me that she was not right and I could have my daughter. She dropped my daughter at my house and sped off. She was still breastfeeding my daughter so I took my daughter to her mum's house that night. The local drug dealer was sleeping there and she would not feed my daughter so I walked out with my daughter. The mum lunged at me, ripping my face open as I was holding my daughter above my head.

I went to the police, and went home. The mum turned up 1 hour later and attacked me again. The police came and arrested her. All I wanted was for the mum to get therapy, but she wouldn't. She still blames me to this day for her shit life. I did not want to place a DVO on her, but in the end the police placed it on her, so she told the police that she was scared of me and they placed a DVO on me.

In October she went out with the same drug dealer and the next morning when she was meant to be looking after my daughter I ended up taking her to the accident and emergency department of the local hospital. She was in there for 5 hours. Whenever the doctor tried to take some blood she would start screaming, so in the end they gave up.

My first legal bill was $10,000. She kept delaying the process and because she was getting legal aid she did not give a shit. One minute she would tell her solicitor and the police that she was scared of me then the next day she would ask me to go out with her. She has taken 5 DVOs out against past boyfriends and also her father. I now get my daughter 3 days a week.

I am amazed at the bias in the system. She is constantly late dropping off my daughter, but the police won't call her. If I'm 5 minutes late they are on the phone to me. I regularly get lectured by the local police about being violent. I have never hit or hurt her. I have been physically abused by her 4 times. I have sent legal letters trying to stop her defaming me, costing thousands of dollars, but she continues. I sent her 4 text messages in the space of half an hour asking her to stop hurting me and my daughter. She went to the police and I was up for harassment. Then the judge lectured me about domestic violence. The assumption is always that the man is guilty. This is not all that has happened.

Saturday
Jul032010

Peter

In 2005 I had been a battered husband for 3 years. After the birth of our daughter my girlfriend changed and suddenly I was the victim of physical, social and emotional abuse. I figured it must be post-natal depression but as time wore on I realised it was not. She would suddenly snap for no reason and throw whatever was on hand at me - a cigarette lighter, a baby’s toy. It was extremely bad when she had been drinking. We lived in a remote area and when she threw a fishing knife at me while I was feeding our daughter (narrowly missing us) I rang the police and reported it in case she killed me later that evening and then embellished the truth.

A week later the police had served a DVO on her under the new legislation where if they hear about domestic violence they act on it. We went to court and I told the police prosecutor I didn’t want a DVO. I told him this only because I was under extreme pressure from my girlfriend and her family for her to take my daughter and leave me. I believed correctly that a DVO was 2 years mandatory. The decision was a 6 month DVO. The police prosecutor did not tell the judge that she threw a knife at us. At the court the domestic violence ladies supported my girlfriend and as the aggrieved spouse I received zero support.

A couple of months later the John Howard campaign of “Violence against women is wrong” was in full swing. I rang the hotline to get some support and they refused to talk to me because I was a man. They told me to ring the man’s hotline. It was unattended and rang out.

The only reason I stayed living with my girlfriend was for my daughter’s sake. I did everything in terms of caring for her. Eventually, while mum was in town drinking, again, I packed up my car with everything it would carry and then some, put my 3 year old daughter into the baby seat and drove out of there. I initiated and fought family court from a considerable distance away. It initially became shared care, mum didn’t bring my little girl back on time and rang me to tell me she had no intention of bringing her back. Following a successful recovery hearing the state police in her location made my girlfriend and my daughter get on a plane. State police in my location met the plane, took them to the police station for hand over. Mum was flown back the next day. Child Safety paid for the plane. I had full custody and responsibility until final orders.

A year later mum failed to appear in court, she had been cut off legal aid for not returning any phone calls and failing to turn up to any meetings they arranged in her location. It was all over in 10 minutes. I had final orders and it was ordered by the court that I have full custody, responsibility etc, and get this: contact as can be agreed between the parties but only in my location during daylight hours. In the past 5 years mum has made the effort three times to seek contact. On one of those occasions she failed to turn up 4 days in a row. The other occasions I agreed to 2 hours on one day only at a playground (location was mum’s idea).

It’s a real shame my little girl doesn’t know her mother but she’ll never grow up to be like her. For me: I’ve been riding a wave of celebration and relief every waking second since Final Orders on May 15, 2006. I love being a single dad. My priorities are my family not my career. As a teacher I would expect to be in an admin position in a school by now had I not chosen to fight for my daughter. Instead I’m a relief teacher and work in a different school every day. Fits in great with my responsibilities as a dad. And Family Court was the best $20,000 I ever spent. It’s worth every penny.

Wednesday
Jun092010

Robin

The 'marriage' lasted nearly twenty years. It only began to dawn on me what had really happened when after she died (cancer, praise God!), her best friend told me, "Robin, Linda totally subsumed (buried) you." It was then in about 2002 that my healing began. And it was painful.

I'd suffered so much violence from before the time I was born. My 'mother' tried to kill me three times before I was born. She was a famous dancer on the Tivoli Circuit just after WW2; so I was the biggest SOB on the planet. And boy did she pay me back by marrying the guy she did five years later. The guy she ended up marrying tried to finish the job for her. In fact he nearly succeeded twice. And I lost count of the number of times I was knocked out, and that doesn't count the concussions I suffered. After the first 15 years of my life being treated like crapola, I thought this was perfectly normal.

My ex thought this was normal also, and took up where things stopped when I was 15 and sent away from home by the courts because I'd been bashed so badly. But her violence was of the silent kind. She never spoke unless she was spoken to. The pro forma replies were "yes," "no," "I don't know" and shoulder shrugging.

After 5 kids and 19 years of this zero acknowledgement and even less acceptance I managed to get away from her. Lost everything of course.

Her greatest achievement, however, was not doing the job directly on me: it was teaching the children never to listen to me. Never to speak to me. And her living memorial is 5 children that regard their father as the biggest arsehole or weirdo, whichever comes first, that exists on the planet.

Now, this is what I live with, hour by hour. I have 5 children who not only don't speak to me now, apart from one who rings me now and again to tell me how she's going (but there's no personal matters ever ventured into), but, not once, in the thirty-one years I've been a father, has one of my children ever asked me a question. About anything. Ever.

Wow!

Now there's nothing. My health has given up after two nervous breakdowns in 2009 after getting assaulted on consecutive nights driving a cab.

So we've ended up on a disability pension, a $400 car, a couple of boxes of books and sleeping on a friend's couch in a small one-bedroom flat. At 61 it's all over.

For me though, having my balls cut out in public, and especially in front of my children, is just something from which I'm unable to recover.

I don't know how you feel, but I get a strong sense of your pain, brothers.

Best regards to you all. Robin.