TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Dec252015

Jared's personal story

I am a young father of 24 years age. I have been a father for 5 years now to my beautiful daughter 5 yrs and my son 3 yrs. After the relationship with my ex de-facto partner deteriorated, I decided to move home with my mother, rather than continue to have the children subjected to our bad moods after arguing more and more continually.

Whilst living with my mother, I had maintained nearly 50/50 shared care of both children. These arrangements had been in place for just under 6 months until an incident occurred, which due to concerns for the safety of my children (after receiving a suicidal phone call from their mother, succeeding a tirade of verbal abuse and threats) I made the decision to retain custody of them while I urged their mother to seek serious mental help. For the three days that continued after the suicidal phone call, I had allowed her to have access to see them under supervision at the house I am living at with my mother. On the third day, my son was subjected to a massive amount of trauma as his mother and grandmother came again to see him at my property, and forcibly removed him from my care, by physically abducting him and running out the front door of the house to an awaiting getaway car. I watched my son, unrestrained and screaming, be driven off the scene at high speed.

The police were called and attended the property, who, after seeing visible signs of the assault that I had sustained by the children's grandmother (trying to restrain me from pursuing my son during the abduction), refused to do anything to the culprit. After the incident, I contacted Child Protective Services, and a family court lawyer. I have since collated an affidavit and contacted the relevant agencies with my concerns regarding the children's welfare and have sought mediation services to be able to have access to see my children again. I have contacted and attended the police station multiple times regarding welfare checks on the children also to no avail. I again had attended the police station to attempt to press charges for the assault that I sustained to which I was told there was nothing that they could do. I was contacted weeks after this incident by my lawyer, only to find out that we were unable to attend a family court hearing until nearly 3 months since I have last seen my children.

As time has progressed I have been continually harassed by the children's mother and grandmother, with false accusations of burglary, stalking and intimidation (which I have had to attend Magistrates Court to give a defence for. The Magistrate was convinced that the story was fabricated to try and sway the family courts and subsequently struck the requested intervention order off the record, resulting in a huge waste of police and court resources and time). I have been subjected to emotional abuse, death threats, physical assault, economic abuse, damaged property and continual harassment all of which constitute a severe case of domestic and family violence that no one seems to want to do anything about. All of this has been documented and evidenced with photographs, text messages, eyewitness accounts, etc.

Throughout this whole process I have done nothing but follow my lawyers' advice.

I have contacted multiple agencies for the children's sake (CPS, DHS) and they don't care to hear it. I have had to seek personal counselling and financial help for myself to cover the upwards of already $10,000 debt she has left me with, not to mention the legal fees.

It seems like there is nothing anybody will do, and it is hard to think anybody even cares to listen. I do not want to play the victim in this, because the real victims in this are the children, and no one is willing to come to their defence. They are being deprived of having a father, and all the extended family that comes with that (uncles and aunties, cousins, nan, etc). I have been met with no help or compassion for the situation by anybody in the system. Something needs to change!

All I want for Christmas is to see my children.

Something needs to happen. It seems that all the rhetoric is swayed in one direction to portray women as the only victims to this kind of abuse. How can somebody abuse the legal system for their own gain and get away with it? False accusations need to be addressed. Parental Alienation needs to be addressed. Male victims need to be taken seriously.

This has been a disgusting eye opener, and what makes it worse is that it seems to be brushed under the table like it isn't worthwhile.

Saturday
Dec122015

Tim's personal story

I met my partner 20 years ago. And over the course of those years, I've watched her take every bit of self esteem I ever had. The constant verbal, emotional and financial abuse was 24/7. Complaining about how I'm dressed, drive, interact with people, every aspect of our relationship was controlled by my partner, to manipulate and destroy my confidence.

We had recently moved interstate, for a new life, with me moving first, and four days later my partner met up with me. Those four days without her, had changed me from a empty shell, to someone who was happy with confidence. When my partner met up with me she made the statement I had changed to someone she didn't like. The only thing I noticed about myself is that I was happy. So my partner turned up the negativity, the “put me downs” and returned me back into that empty shell. That's when I realised I was a victim of domestic violence.

Now I'm waiting for her to visit her relatives interstate next month before I make a dash for freedom. In the meantime it's holding a poker face so she doesn't sense something is up. Because I'm now scared that she will drive me to self harm. The one thing I've learnt about been a victim is that domestic violence creeps up on you, without you being aware. The control of your earnings where your partner is buying you a tin of fish for your sandwich for work only to find out the tin of fish was two years past the expiry date. It was bought for you because it was cheapest. Where your combined earnings was over $75,000, but you haven't got a cent in the bank. Or your self confidence has been stripped away from you that operating a BBQ is near impossible. Or you're working three jobs to pay off a $20,000 credit card debt, that you have no idea how the debt got so high, only to be told by your partner that you're lazy, and you should work harder.

To have no enjoyment of money is even harder, to having every cent scrutinised and not allowed to have, but yet you still go to work with no enjoyment from the fruits of your labour. And the worst is every friend you have is pushed away from you. The hobbies taken away from you because you're not making your partner the centre of the world. To live in fear, because you don't know what mood your partner is going to be in when she gets home from work. Or when your mum passes away, being asked if any money has been left to you, within days of her death.

Yes, men being victims of domestic violence is very real, and I pray society starts to address this. Meanwhile I hope I can make my escape soon. To leave her now would be too dangerous, because of my vulnerability.

Friday
Dec112015

John's personal story

Nothing I ever did was good enough. She always told me I was pathetic, fat and lazy. She told me that I needed to find a better job if she was going to stick around. One day I asked her to please stop and she went into a rage and tried to hit me, just as her brother walked in. I grabbed her arms to protect myself and when she spotted her brother she started sobbing “stop hitting me”. Her brother knew the truth and offered some support, but she told our friends I was abusive and most of them wouldn't speak to me.

This sort of thing went on almost daily for 5 years but then things seemed to improve over a period of a few months. I thought “at last she knows how much I love her”. Then she walked in one day and said she was leaving me and had been having an affair with one of her brother's friends. She also took several thousand dollars – emptied out joint account – and said “this is my compensation for putting up with you”. I would see her from time to time in the small town we lived in and all she would do was to stop, point and laugh out loud, screwing with my mind long after she left me.

Friday
Dec042015

Jackson's personal story

It is sad for me to say that I am one of the one-in-three, but I am so proud and honoured to be surrounded by so many brave people. My male partner of three years has had instances over the course of our relationship of being abusive towards me. This was mostly due to his bad upbringing, and his lack of coping mechanisms, decision-making skills, or anger management. He had made threats, he had been verbally abusive on multiple occasions, he was manipulative, and he would psychologically try to undermine my self-confidence.

All of this changed 6 months ago when I gave him one final chance, after he moved interstate and we tried a long distance relationship- I set down the rules, and said to him that if it continued, that I was done with him. I said to him that there were three deal-breakers for me-- if he ever cheated, touched drugs, or was abusive to me, that I would walk. He understood, and we tried starting anew.

However, two weeks ago, when I was visiting him interstate, his insecurities and lack of control got the better of him. During a fight that we had one night, he verbally abused me and claimed that I was cheating on him with my best friend (which was completely false). I warned him not to speak that way about me, and he violently took my phone from my hands as he feared what I would do. The next 10 minutes saw him become infuriated as I told him that “it was over!” He is bigger and stronger than me, and physically tried restraining me, bending my arm backwards to the point I thought it would break. He left bruises on my arms and legs. He also held me down on the bed, threatened to “bash my head in”, and claimed he would kill my best friend.

I was forced to leave the next morning, spending all my savings on an emergency flight home. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it. Because I knew that if I tried doing what I had always done, if I tried to “fix it”, if I apologised when I had done nothing wrong, that I would be enabling his bad behaviour, succumbing to an abusive partner, and letting myself down. I took a stand against him. And he blew his one final chance with me. Now I am pursuing a relationship with that best friend that had “caused all the issues”, according to my ex. My best friend is loving, caring, treats me with respect and dignity, and has helped me so much. Hopefully this can be a reassuring story for any other men who feel they are “stuck” in a relationship, particularly those like me who are in a homosexual relationship and may be more vulnerable. You can do it- you are strong and important, and you can be happy. You are better to be happy alone than sad with someone.

Friday
Nov272015

Alice's personal story

My father is a victim of domestic abuse.

My mother would scream and abuse my father for hours on end. It went on like this forever. She held tiny things against him. Such as how he farted one time 20 years before (I kid you not) and would rave for hours. She also told us about his girlfriend before he met her. She'd show us pictures and insult him based on his past girlfriend (whom he'd dated decades before this happened) She even made sure my 7 year old brother knew about it.

It got worse when one day when I noticed my dad had a black eye. My mum justified it as “I was so angry.” I hated her for doing that. Being angry wasn't an excuse.

Things got even worse after the first punch. He would often have black eyes, she did her best to humiliate and financially cripple him. He provided well, we had 2 beautiful homes, news cars every other year, designer clothes… It was never enough.

Seeing that she'd become a villain in her children's eyes because of her constant physical, emotional and financial abuse of our father, she decided to turn us against him.

She would pick small things, perhaps a smudge on the bathroom mirror, and abuse one her children for hours. She would then turn to our father and scream at him to “Be a man and smash their face in!” She would always try to convince him to hit his own kids for small things, and eventually for no reason at all.

She would abuse my father for hours, hitting, screaming, all of it. Trying to get him to attack us because for no reason at all. He never did, and to his credit he never hit her back either.

One Christmas Eve she'd abused him all day, when it came to night she'd forced him to sleep on the living room floor (the lounge was too good for him) He was reading a book my brother had given him as an early gift. My mother ripped it to shreds and kicked him in the face.

He would never leave, she kept getting pregnant, saying things like “The older kids have a choice whether they see you or not I get to make the choice for the baby” in her exact words. He couldn't even go to the corner store without having to bring a family member with him.

She's cheated on him constantly throughout their marriage which has spanned decades. One time when she started beating him he pushed her away. She threatened to charge him with abuse. She told everyone how abusive he was for pushing her away, despite her decades of violence.

She would seduce whatever friends he had left. Leaving him with nobody.

Male Victims of abuse, I ask that you report your abusive partner, don't live like this for decades like my father has done. Nobody deserves the mental, emotional, physical abuse that my father was put through because of one evil woman. I beg that any abused man reading this get's out of his abusive relationship before he realises that decades have passed.

Men are victims too.