TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Sep112015

Brendon's personal story

Like all of you, I have been a victim of domestic violence. And like most all of you I was lead to believe it was all my fault.

I was in a relationship (engaged to be married) to a woman who became one of my best friends for several years before engaging into a relationship with her. She had me convinced she was a funny, smart, easy-going and relaxed, so I fell in love with this side of her.

In the 8 months we were together, we got engaged after just 3 months and found out she was pregnant shortly after. Now I know what you're all thinking "oh this guy couldn't handle a hormonal pregnant women" but I assure you the issues and the violence against me was far from 'just hormones'.

My ex fiance would enter complete raging "tantrums" at the slightest ill-doing, being verbally abusive, and on several occasions physically abusive, throwing all sorts of manner at me, including remote controls, pillows, magazines, books, fists, practically anything that was within reach of her. She became extremely controlling, taking over my personal affairs such as my email, Facebook, and even my online banking account. She would log on to my Facebook, pretending to be me and abuse my friends for the apparent reason that they posted something she didn't like, or they were female friends of mine and we had some sort of chat history. She would check my online bank account daily, check text messages and phone calls on my phone. I couldn't even do the things I loved, surfing and fishing, for the pure reason that I was alone and I might be up to something else. This became so bad the only things I was allowed to do by myself was go to work and go to the local shops within an allocated time frame (often 15 minutes or less and it took at least 5 minutes one way to get to the shop from our house). If I forgot something, I was told I was useless, and I would be a pathetic father to our unborn daughter, I felt about the size of fly scat more often than not.

I wasn't allowed to see my family, or friends as I was told if I did she would leave and take our daughter away to where I couldn't find them. Everything was a threat, everything became an ultimatum of if I did this or that she would beat me, or leave with our daughter, or in some cases she would kill me, and she would describe in great detail how she would do so too. I became terrified of my life, she was so unpredictable I was scared to go home to her.

We'd argued no less then 2 or 3 times per week, often more, about all sorts of things, the majority of them seemed insignificant to me, but to her they were the most important things in the World, she was always right even when she was so evidently wrong.

The mental effects of this constant belittling and abuse was overwhelming to the degree it affected my work performance, my relationships with my family and friends. It got to the point my team leader just had to say something, to give me a card with the phone number of a psychiatrist on it and told me to call them. He could see where I was heading, he could see the dark place I was going and probably wouldn't return from.

After seeing the psychiatrist several times I had my plan, I had to leave, no matter how hard it would be to 'abandon' my daughter, I just had to go. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and blamed to the point suicide seemed an easier option than leaving. I felt so isolated, I couldn't talk to anyone, not my family, not my friends, otherwise she'd know, and God help me what she would've done if she found out I was talking to them about her and our personal life.

I owe my life to making that one phone call, to reaching out and gaining an understanding that violence against men IS NOT O.K. and that you CAN talk to someone, even if you do what I did and saw them during work hours. I never knew violence against men was so common, and knowing now how scary the facts are. If there is one thing I take away from this experience it is that IT IS O.K. to tell someone, if your mates make fun of you, tell someone else, don't give up, there are people who care, and never feel isolated, as so many of us go through it at some stage of our lives.

Sunday
Aug022015

Lilly's personal story

I have a friend that I care a lot about who is a victim of domestic violence. For years he had been ringing me and telling little bits about what she had been doing to him. At first I said what have you been doing for her to get so angry but as time passed and he told me more about her violence and controlling behaviour I told him to get out of the relationship.

Everyone in his life was telling him to leave her. Eventually after five years they broke up and that is when he confided in me the truth about what she had been doing to him. For nearly their whole relationship she had been verbally, emotionally and physically abusing him. This included using the most vile language and degrading names at him, telling him and her work mates constantly that he was useless and no good and that he was the abusive one. Physically she hit, punched, slapped, threw things and eventually drove her car into him. On this occasion he called the police and they believed him that she did it. Unfortunately he did not agree to press charges as they have never believed him in the past and he did not want her to get into trouble.

His life has been a nightmare for years. He is back with her again and I firmly believe that one day she will kill him. she is a psychopath and I believe that she did the same thing to her ex husband. I hope he finds the courage and gets help to enable him to leave but I don't think he ever will. He knows that the relationship is a disaster but he can not bring himself to leave. She has brainwashed him into believing that he loves her and that he is totally useless and worthless.

How do you help someone that just does not seem to want help as they can not see their future on their own before they are well enough to have a relationship with someone who truly cares and would treat him well. To my friend please please get strong enough to leave. You deserve so much better. Take care

Saturday
Aug012015

Tom

I was recently removed from my home by the police, having done nothing wrong. According to the Safety Notice they issued me, I had been blocked in a room by the AFM. “The AFM has stood in front of the doorway and bloked (sic) the Resp form leaving as he did not wish to talk about it and wanted to go to bed. The AFM has refused to move from the doorway so the Resp has shoved the AFM out of the way.... The AFM has no injuries as a result… The AFM stating that she is fearful of the Resp and what he may do. Nil property damage, nil signs of any assault nil injuries.”

What actually happened is fairly different. I had been castigated for about 20-30 minutes. I kept moving from room to room, asking her to leave me alone, telling her that I was tired and didn't want to talk. There's no point in arguing back. She shut the door and put her full body weight up against it and continued to call me every name under the sun. I took that for about 10 minutes, constantly asking her to “please leave me alone”. She refused, saying she wouldn't let me go until I understood her point of view. I told her she was restricting my movement, and to let me go. She wouldn't move so I pulled the door in to escape, moving her in the process. She punched me in the back. She then called the police. I said nothing to the police, as I had no idea what I was being accused of.

The police escorted me to the station in the back of a paddy wagon. After an hour, they served me with a family Safety Notice which prevented me from going within 200m of my home or within 5 metres of her. This prevented me from going to my Aged Care course, as she also attended the TAFE.

With all my money tied up in her, I had no money for temporary accommodation so I purchased a tent and sleeping bag from Big W for $30. Being winter, it wasn't really adequate to keep me warm or dry. It was argued down to an “undertaking” in court, but I was still homeless.

I borrowed money and a car and moved back to SA to where my family and friends are. I had moved to VIC to help the AFM recover from her addiction to Ice, as her family was in VIC and she needed to get away from her dealers. She essentially used the police to get her own way.

When under police escort to remove my belongings, she had her whole family there to help me pack the car. Her little brothers and sisters were there. I found this odd, as wasn't I meant to be some kind of dangerous person? What kind of person that fears for their safety locks themselves in a room with me, refusing to let me leave? Why is it that the police require no evidence to remove a man from his home?

Monday
Jun012015

Sean

Back in the 90's I was seeing a girl after high school in what was my first real relationship. After a year or so I began to notice strange behaviour, like staying out all night without letting anyone know, doing drugs secretly and so forth.

I soon started to hear talk of her infidelity on repeated occasions, people blaming it on her work in hospitality and my being on the road as a professional musician for a few days a week. One night I decided to calmly broach the subject while we were sitting alone after a friend's party up the street. She immediately began coming on to me, hot and heavy and said she'd make me forget all about it. I refused her advances as I wanted to know where we stood. She flipped out (this was a regular occurrence if I refused her advances) and ran outside. I foolishly followed her into the street. Unable to find her I began to worry. I was then bathed in the glow of her car headlights as she started the car, and proceeded to run into me, damaging both of my knees and my back. We split up not long afterwards as the truth came to light about how extensive her cheating and drug use was.

To this day I still have trouble sleeping and walking due to the physical pain of my injuries.

Monday
Jun012015

Carole

My story is very similar to others that I have read. My Father, who was a kind, gentle person, was hit, stabbed and attacked in any form from my Mother. She was an aggressive person and would virtually attack anyone if she thought that they had crossed her. My Father had many scars on his back and arms, but credit to him he never, ever laid a finger on her. When these frequent attacks took place, my Father would escape out of the house and stay away for many hours. Of course not been able to take her aggressiveness out of my Dad, she would then attack me. My childhood was appalling, and I grew up hating my Mother. Even though my Mother is now dead I still cannot forgive her. My Father eventually left my Mother and lived on his own until his death.

I just wanted to speak out about men caught up in domestic violence, and as a woman I also have suffered through domestic violence, and see a great need for men and woman everywhere to have a place to go and have counselling and support. . Of course this was not available during my Father's time – nor mine.

Not too many people are aware of how some men suffer at the hands of their loved ones. Hopefully the Government will see a need for men and women caught up in domestic violence and take appropriate action.

Thank you for letting me tell this story.