TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Dec112015

John's personal story

Nothing I ever did was good enough. She always told me I was pathetic, fat and lazy. She told me that I needed to find a better job if she was going to stick around. One day I asked her to please stop and she went into a rage and tried to hit me, just as her brother walked in. I grabbed her arms to protect myself and when she spotted her brother she started sobbing “stop hitting me”. Her brother knew the truth and offered some support, but she told our friends I was abusive and most of them wouldn't speak to me.

This sort of thing went on almost daily for 5 years but then things seemed to improve over a period of a few months. I thought “at last she knows how much I love her”. Then she walked in one day and said she was leaving me and had been having an affair with one of her brother's friends. She also took several thousand dollars – emptied out joint account – and said “this is my compensation for putting up with you”. I would see her from time to time in the small town we lived in and all she would do was to stop, point and laugh out loud, screwing with my mind long after she left me.

Friday
Dec042015

Jackson's personal story

It is sad for me to say that I am one of the one-in-three, but I am so proud and honoured to be surrounded by so many brave people. My male partner of three years has had instances over the course of our relationship of being abusive towards me. This was mostly due to his bad upbringing, and his lack of coping mechanisms, decision-making skills, or anger management. He had made threats, he had been verbally abusive on multiple occasions, he was manipulative, and he would psychologically try to undermine my self-confidence.

All of this changed 6 months ago when I gave him one final chance, after he moved interstate and we tried a long distance relationship- I set down the rules, and said to him that if it continued, that I was done with him. I said to him that there were three deal-breakers for me-- if he ever cheated, touched drugs, or was abusive to me, that I would walk. He understood, and we tried starting anew.

However, two weeks ago, when I was visiting him interstate, his insecurities and lack of control got the better of him. During a fight that we had one night, he verbally abused me and claimed that I was cheating on him with my best friend (which was completely false). I warned him not to speak that way about me, and he violently took my phone from my hands as he feared what I would do. The next 10 minutes saw him become infuriated as I told him that “it was over!” He is bigger and stronger than me, and physically tried restraining me, bending my arm backwards to the point I thought it would break. He left bruises on my arms and legs. He also held me down on the bed, threatened to “bash my head in”, and claimed he would kill my best friend.

I was forced to leave the next morning, spending all my savings on an emergency flight home. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it. Because I knew that if I tried doing what I had always done, if I tried to “fix it”, if I apologised when I had done nothing wrong, that I would be enabling his bad behaviour, succumbing to an abusive partner, and letting myself down. I took a stand against him. And he blew his one final chance with me. Now I am pursuing a relationship with that best friend that had “caused all the issues”, according to my ex. My best friend is loving, caring, treats me with respect and dignity, and has helped me so much. Hopefully this can be a reassuring story for any other men who feel they are “stuck” in a relationship, particularly those like me who are in a homosexual relationship and may be more vulnerable. You can do it- you are strong and important, and you can be happy. You are better to be happy alone than sad with someone.

Friday
Nov272015

Alice's personal story

My father is a victim of domestic abuse.

My mother would scream and abuse my father for hours on end. It went on like this forever. She held tiny things against him. Such as how he farted one time 20 years before (I kid you not) and would rave for hours. She also told us about his girlfriend before he met her. She'd show us pictures and insult him based on his past girlfriend (whom he'd dated decades before this happened) She even made sure my 7 year old brother knew about it.

It got worse when one day when I noticed my dad had a black eye. My mum justified it as “I was so angry.” I hated her for doing that. Being angry wasn't an excuse.

Things got even worse after the first punch. He would often have black eyes, she did her best to humiliate and financially cripple him. He provided well, we had 2 beautiful homes, news cars every other year, designer clothes… It was never enough.

Seeing that she'd become a villain in her children's eyes because of her constant physical, emotional and financial abuse of our father, she decided to turn us against him.

She would pick small things, perhaps a smudge on the bathroom mirror, and abuse one her children for hours. She would then turn to our father and scream at him to “Be a man and smash their face in!” She would always try to convince him to hit his own kids for small things, and eventually for no reason at all.

She would abuse my father for hours, hitting, screaming, all of it. Trying to get him to attack us because for no reason at all. He never did, and to his credit he never hit her back either.

One Christmas Eve she'd abused him all day, when it came to night she'd forced him to sleep on the living room floor (the lounge was too good for him) He was reading a book my brother had given him as an early gift. My mother ripped it to shreds and kicked him in the face.

He would never leave, she kept getting pregnant, saying things like “The older kids have a choice whether they see you or not I get to make the choice for the baby” in her exact words. He couldn't even go to the corner store without having to bring a family member with him.

She's cheated on him constantly throughout their marriage which has spanned decades. One time when she started beating him he pushed her away. She threatened to charge him with abuse. She told everyone how abusive he was for pushing her away, despite her decades of violence.

She would seduce whatever friends he had left. Leaving him with nobody.

Male Victims of abuse, I ask that you report your abusive partner, don't live like this for decades like my father has done. Nobody deserves the mental, emotional, physical abuse that my father was put through because of one evil woman. I beg that any abused man reading this get's out of his abusive relationship before he realises that decades have passed.

Men are victims too.

Friday
Nov132015

Scott's personal story

I still struggle with the fact I have been a victim of domestic abuse from women. It is so ingrained in me that DV is only perpetrated by men, and after reporting several instances to police and friends, I am well aware of the laughingstock view society takes towards male victims.

I have a few stories, I hope they may help.

The first was over ten years ago. Classic bunny-boiler. She was nuts. I wasn't really into her, but she was keen and we started dating. I thought ‘why not, let's see where things go.’

A very short 3 month relationship that I ended, afterwards had 100's of threats, phone calls, ‘how dare you's’, physical threats from family members and when I called her back after 25 calls in one night and left a message on her answering machine saying ‘LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!’ I witnessed for the first time the process of having an AVO placed against you.

I was petrified, had never been a violent person and never been in trouble with the law. I found a lawyer who proposed I file an AVO against her after hearing my case, which I did. I wish I didn't. I was ridiculed not only for filing an AVO against a woman ('What, can't you handle yourself mate?'), I was also accused of doing it out of spite. Her AVO was thrown out, my AVO against hers stood for 2 years and was renewed twice after she kept sending cousins around to heavy me. I had to leave my house and move out of town to get away from this psychopath.

The second, was much more subtle. 7 year relationship. Nice girl, in comparison to the previous one. Moved in together fairly quickly. Thought she was great. Family and friends all spoke about how nice she was. The emotional abuse however, wasn't. She'd frequently do the silent treatment, withhold affection, even abandon me in the middle of nowhere and storm off. Then she started getting physical. Would hit me in the middle of the night. Constantly ridicule me for anything she could find. I thought that was her culture (from a land where gameshows are particularly cruel), but it went beyond the casual belittling in front of her friends. She started to get particularly violent, and harass, manipulate and abuse me at any opportunity. It descended into damaging my personal property, waking me up at all hours, especially when I had a new job or important meeting, and I went through 8 jobs in 7 years as a result. Finally after she permanently scarred my arm I managed to get the balls to turf her, but she still stalks and harasses me from time to time.

Police? No point getting them involved. I've been to the ‘victims room’ in court as a victim and turfed out, told it was for ‘women only’. Courts simply do not recognise the fact that men can be victims too. They're more concerned that a woman in the victims room will have a ‘trigger’ or ‘flashback’ from seeing a man than actually protecting a man who has had threats levelled against him if he shows up to a court hearing. Waste of time and a terrible injustice against men.

The third, was obvious from the start. Only a short relationship, but by this stage I could identify the traits from the start. She had a ‘history’ of tens if not hundreds of ex's that she told me about from the very beginning. All of them painted in a terrible light. Alarm bells. She was negative about every other person in her life and painted them in a terrible light when talking to me. Alarm bells. But for the first time, this got really serious. She repeatedly punched me while I was asleep. Yelled and screamed abuse at me. Then in the morning, was all sugar and roses. She'd talk about how much of a ‘victim’ she was while abusing the crap out of me. Would constantly demand I drop everything, friends, social life and charity work to see her instead, only to belittle me or use me as an emotional punching bag to offload her crap about how terrible her day was.

And the good news? Finally, I saw it. I saw it for what it was. And I called it. I called her on it. And she ran.

The lesson here for me, is recognise abuse in its early stage. And get the hell out. It's much easier to do.

There are horrible human beings out there, and some of them happen to be beautiful looking women. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself. You deserve better and they'll end up horribly alone and lonely, whinging, abusing and projecting their negative image of men onto everyone they meet.

Don't do it.

Get out.

Now.

Brotherly love to all you guys going through this.

Thursday
Nov122015

Satinder's personal story

My name is Satinder and I arrived in Australia in 2008 for my studies. My life was going very well and I had amazing experiences in this beautiful country. I had a very rough childhood as my father was very violent towards my mother until one we had enough and my mother and I walked out. My only dream was to marry one girl for the life and to have amazing family. I met Nandini in 2012, when I drove her from the airport to the city in my taxi. We had a very good chat on the way and she insisted her I give her my business card, but I never heard back from her. One day I saw her profile on an online dating site and sent her a message, it was her. We started talking, she gave me her phone number and we formally started dating in 2013. She was very nice and she shared her past rough life stories with me, I gave her my hand and assured her that together we will be okay.

Nandini never use to hide things from me, we shared everything. One night when we went out for drinks she started crying. She revealed that she has been married and divorced. I was shocked to hear that as she never told me about marriage, just her relationships. I still consoled her and gave her my hand and didn’t question anything. We came very close to each other after that night and decided to get engaged and exchanged the rings on the sixth of October, 2013. We moved in together and everything was going fine.

One day when I was at work, Nandini called me and gave me the best news of my life. She was pregnant. I finished work as soon as I could so we could celebrate. She insisted on getting married ASAP. We tied the knot on the 24th of February, 2014. Throughout her pregnancy Nandini smoked at least 10-15 cigarettes a day. I use to beg her not to smoke but she never listened to me. She even smoked weed on average twice a month and was drinking at least a glass of wine every night. I asked my friends to advise her not to smoke during her pregnancy but she wouldn’t listen because they weren’t doctors. In early May, Nandini complained of having stomach pain. I drove her to the medical centre but we were referred to the Dandenong Hospital as the doctor believed it might be an early labour case. We went to the hospital and were later transferred to the Monash Medical Centre as the Dandenong hospital didn’t have many facilities for the premature babies. Upon arrival Monash staff just surrounded her and gave a few shots for Nandini and my child. We were praying that the child doesn’t come out this early as it was too early. But god wanted my child to arrive earlier than we expected. At 2100 hours on the 8th of May 2014, Manvi, our daughter was born. My child weighed just 602 grams. Even though doctors gave us less than 10% chances of Manvi’s survival, my child came out very strong. Manvi had her first surgery in the very first week of her birth and chances were very low. Later that month, the hospital told us that Manvi’s bowl has gotten infected. She was taken into another surgery and this time the chances of survival were even less than before. But our daughter was strong and even after 70% of the gut was removed she still lived. Nandini went back to work in July and worked until October. I was working full time as Nandini had sponsored me on the spouse visa. We were doing alright but Nandini wasn’t getting paid very much from Centrelink and had a loans and credit cards to payoff. I worked overtime to save a little to cover all the expenses in the house. I supported Nandini with a little extra I saved but it wasn’t enough for her. She started taking money out of my wallet and use to say “I needed it so I took it.” I tried explaining to her nicely not to do that but it didn’t work. Instead she became very aggressive towards me and use to raise her voice. I used to avoid getting into an argument but unfortunately she didn’t stop. She started demanding money more regularly. Considering I am a cab driver I would have cash on me all the time and I use to keep some at home for emergencies. Nandini started to threaten me of getting deported if I didn’t give her money. I never took that threat seriously as she use to have mood swings. On the 28th of JuneI was sitting in my backyard, she came and asked me to buy a laptop. We couldn’t afford it I offered my laptop to her instead but that’s not what she wanted. She asked me to take her to the shops but I didn’t have money. When she understood that I had refused her demand completely she pinched me very hard on my left upper chest ending in giving me a blue mark. I pushed her hand away to get it off me. She came again and scratched my upper chest and then she locked me out off the house.

She went into my work clothes, found my wallet, and cut up all my credit, debit and other important cards including my driver’s license. I begged her not to do it but she didn’t listen. She had a very high temper and I there was nothing I could because I was locked outside of the house. I called her parents so they could make her understand but they refused to intervene. When she started throwing and breaking my things I contacted the local police station. Upon arrival of the policeI burst into tears as I couldn’t take that torture anymore. All I wanted to leave the house. Officer Emily from the Dandenong police station said “You will be charged if I report something as we have to charge both the family members in domestic violence cases”. I obviously refrained from reporting it regardless of my scars and bleeding body in front of the police. That day I left my house. I took my belongings what little savings in cash I had. My wife alleged that I was stealing her money and Emily asked me to give her half of it. I did and left in very depressed state. I was then contacted by a police team called SOCIT,they issued me with an intervention order as the members of the police advised my wife made pretty serious allegations against me. She said that I had raped her, had tried to strangle her, had assaulted her during her pregnancy which caused our child to arrive prematurely, and that I had shaken our baby.

I was devastated. First she attacked me and how she says this. Everything that my wife alleged were false with no proof of it. The police didn’t bother to get Nandini or me to undergo any medicals to prove that. However, as my child was very little and on special needs, she was referred to the DHS and was taken to the Monash Hospital for a medical check-up. As expected, all the reports came out negative. The DHS contacted me for an interview. Deborah Thompson from the DHS spoke to me like I was a serious criminal and showed no respect as a human being. The way she questioned me made me feel really sick about the department’s mentality but I told her everything honestly. On the 6th of July 2015, we went for the interim hearing of the intervention order as it was being placed by the police. My wife told the magistrate that her husband is the best, had done nothing wrong and she didn’t want an intervention order. The magistrate reduced the order to the limited order until the final hearing. I thought my wife had probably learnt something from the situation we were in but it was just her way to bring me home to torture me more. As I went to work and she started taking my money again. On the 2nd of August Nandini overdosed on pills. She started throwing up on the bed and behaved abnormally, so I called the ambulance. She refused to go with the ambulance and police later got involved and forced her to go to the hospital. I found her suicide note, in which she said “my husband is innocent and I can’t bear this pain of not having my child with me’. I went to the court on the 3rd of August and the final order was made for one year. We were allowed to live together and I was not supposed to commit any family violence towards Nandini as she was the respondent.

Nandini was discharged after spending four days in the hospital and left for India the very next day, leaving our child alone in the hospital. As I only had supervised access to my child only twice a week, I requested Nandini several times not to go to India leaving Manvi alone in the hospital but she didn’t listen. As she returned to Australia in time for the Children’s Court interim hearing. Nandini and I were being referred to the Children’s court clinician to establish if we have anger and other issues. Since Nandini came back from India she started to lock her phone which never had happened before. I became suspicious but never asked her the password. She was still taking money out of my wallet but stopped talking to me and finally, on the 6th of October, she left the house and stopped communicating completely. I tried calling her several times but she wouldn’t answer. A few days later she contacted me and asked me to drop off her clothes at particular address far away from where we lived. I went to drop her clothes. A strange man opened the door snatched the bag, threatened me by saying “If you come even one inch closer to her, I WILL RIP YOU APART”. I was very scared and left peacefully without even asking about Nandini. Later in the week I received a call from my immigration agent saying that Nandini had withdrawn my sponsorship. I sunk into a depression, thinking about how I can never see my child if I get deported. I started feeling very anxious about anything. Nandini always made a threat of getting me deported as she had done the same thing with her ex-husband,who was being sponsored by her previously. I never thought she would actually do that. I had tried to keep her as happy as I could.

I felt I was being used, abused and taken advantage off. I don’t feel like a human being anymore and have never been on anti depressants before in my life. I was being put on a mental healthcare plan and luckily my psychologist was the only person who acknowledged that domestic violence against men does takes place. I showed the scars and wounds Nandini gave me in the last one year. I cried during my whole session with my psychologist and I was being told I am suffering from high depression. I was being asked not to worry, but a father who prayed for every day for one whole year for his daughter to safely come home from the hospital, how could I not worry? It’s not easy to live under such situations. I contacted the lifeline centre as I held a knife against my wrist as I didn’t want to be separated from my daughter. She is the only reason I am alive today for.

The DHS said they don’t need any evidence to keep my child away from me because they believe there is a likelihood that I might cause harm to my child based on my wife’s allegations. Allegations which she has put a few times and have taken back at least twice. My wife is constantly changing her stories and statements. In this whole situation I am the one who is unable to see his daughter based on the false allegations made by my wife. I am the only one who has to go through this pain without having done anything wrong. All the contacts I’ve had with Manvi under supervision were positive and there were no concerns by DHS, but my wife has only been to see our daughter just once in the last one month according to the DHS worker.

Men are suffering everyday and no one acknowledges “domestic violence against men” does exist but just doesn't get any recognition.