TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Jul282016

Kane's personal story

The day of our wedding, the first thing that she said to me after walking up the aisle was “Do I look pretty?” The second thing that she said was “Do I look skinny?” I should have known right then that our relationship was only ever going to be about her.

After the ceremony was finished and we took some photos with the guests and our families outside, we headed to our 1950s wedding car to depart to our first photo location. She asked me to sit in the front with the driver so that her dress wouldn’t get squashed. The driver said that in his 23 years of driving for weddings, not once, until our wedding, had the bride and groom not sat together. It wasn’t a good sign.

We hadn't lived together before getting married, but I was concerned that we wouldn't be able to sleep next to each other once we did because I would snore at times, and she was really sensitive to noise. She came up with a rule that no matter what time she went to bed, I would have to stay awake at least 20 minutes after she had fallen asleep before I could try to sleep. After a few weeks, I became so sleep deprived that I couldn't possibly follow these rules anymore, and I started drifting off even though I was trying to stay awake. She ripped the blankets off me, turned on the lights, and started screaming at me, telling me that I had to sleep on the floor, that I didn't deserve any blankets, that I was a fat ugly pig who disgusted her and that my mother had never loved me. When I refused to get out of the bed she kicked me in the back until I gave in. I eventually moved just so that I could try to get some sleep before getting up early to go to work the next day.

I was constantly put down and yelled at and told that I was in the wrong, but that she never was. I had to wear slippers around the house so that I didn't leave any footprints on the floorboards. I wasn't able to set foot in many of the rooms in the house because I would scuff the carpets. I wasn't allowed to turn the tap on in the sink because it would leave water droplets or even make toast in the kitchen as it would leave a smell or a crumb. I was consistently told that I breathed too heavily and ate too heavily, and would sometimes have to eat food in the garage because she couldn't stand the noises I made. Her favourite insult was to tell me how disgusting I was. I would get yelled at for going to the toilet in my own house, and would sometimes say that I was going down the street to the supermarket just so that I could go to the toilet in peace.

She viewed sport, my friends and my family as the enemy, and slowly started to try to cut these things out of my life or turn others against me. I tried to go to my father's birthday celebrations one year, and was locked in the wardrobe with her standing at the door. She said that if I tried to get out she would call the Police and lie to them about me hitting her so that I would get into trouble. She then picked up my mobile phone and smashed it into the ground, breaking the screen in the process.

Weekends would involve driving her to shopping centres so that she could buy all the newest and fanciest fashions. Meanwhile she cancelled my credit card and tried to control my finances, limiting me to $200 a fortnight, which wasn't even enough for petrol, public transport fares and food for lunch.

Eventually I found out that she had been cheating on me and having an affair with her personal trainer since before we married. After two years I planned my escape, packed up all my stuff while she was at work, and later came by with a mutual friend to ensure my safety when I asked her for a divorce. I had all of the doors unlocked in the house in case she tried to lock us in or pull out a knife. Luckily there was only one or two insults, as she tried to hide her abusive behaviours from her friends or family. I was then abused by her father a few months later for supposedly doing all of the things that she did to me when we were together. He then tried to threaten to sue me for theft and fraud unless I paid for half of their legal fees for the divorce proceeding. I guess I know where she learned to be a bully from. Knowing my legal rights however, I refused, hung up the phone, and haven't heard from them since.

Although I am still impacted by some of the traumatic events that I went through in our marriage, I am grateful for the wisdom and growth that I have since achieved, and appreciate the freedom that I now get to experience every day. I am in a happy, loving, supportive, respectful and equal relationship with my new girlfriend. We discuss any issues that arise in a healthy way without any name calling or verbal abuse, and compromise where necessary to ensure that both of our emotional needs can be met. Most importantly, we encourage each other to be who we are, and to see our friends and family and engage in our leisurely pursuits as much as we would like to do so. Intimate partner violence against both men and women is wrong, and equal relationships filled with mutual respect will go a long way towards overcoming this all too common problem!

Thursday
Jul142016

Zach's personal story

In 2011 I started dating a girl from my college after being talked into it by one of our mutual friends, as it would turn out this was quite a big mistake. During the first three months, everything was pretty good, we hung out, did stuff together and just generally acted like a regular couple. By that point I'd thought I was onto a good thing, and invited her to a party with my friends, let her into my life a little more. She proceeded to get completely wasted over the course of the night, would slap me in the face, or the side of the head, made fun of me in front of my friends and was just all around rude.

Let it go as a one off and moved on with the relationship. We dated for maybe a year or so more, before I got lucky and she moved to another city across the state from me. During the year and a half we were together, I was repeatedly kicked, punched, had my life threatened, I have scars on my arms from her biting me when I would try to stop her from hitting me. She would threaten to commit suicide if she thought I was going to break up with her. I was woken up four times to her making small cuts on my arms whilst I was sleeping. I'm completely colour blind in my right eye from her stomping on the side of my head when she came home in the early hours of the morning after a night of drinking.

Went to the police once, was questioned about whether I'd been drinking, what I'd done to upset her. I haven't trusted a woman in years.

Thursday
Jun232016

Anonymous' personal story

When I was thirteen or so my brother would come into my room and perform sex acts on me. We were twins and we grew up on the North Shore of Sydney. My parents never knew what was happening. This went on for about four years. I was scared to tell anyone as I thought people would think that I was a ‘gay’.

As it turned out I am gay and I have always been left wondering if because of this event early in life if I turned out gay because of the abuse. There was no actual penetration but what he did to me is still sexual assault.

I don't see him now because he lives in a different state to me and he also ripped money out of Mum's estate and I had to hire a Solicitor to get some of it back. The abuse has left a lasting scar on me emotionally and I have a mistrust of people generally now. I was very shy when I was younger and now I guess in lots of ways I still am.

This has been difficult to actually tell my story, however I feel that after doing this today I do feel a little better.

Thursday
Jun022016

Nigel's personal story

I came across your Website and I can assimilate with all that you say. My story is similar, I was a male victim of Abuse from my Spouse. We were married for 25 years, she was from Portugal & I from UK and we came to live in Australia 20 years ago. I knew from early on in the marriage that she had been a victim of physical, verbal and emotional Abuse throughout her childhood from her mother and step father. I had never in my life experienced any of that kind of abuse in my family.

Things were good for 18 years, although she would get heated up often, there was no Physical Abuse, just verbal. As the relationship deteriorated, she started getting out of control during simple arguments or discussions to the point where I was often Physically Intimidated, she Spat at me frequently, once 27 times in a row, I counted them while I was sitting quietly trying to stay calm, she hit me in the mouth, she punched me, she bit me, she kicked me, she on many occasions through the contents of the dinner table at me, threw glasses and forks and knives at me, she told me to die often and regularly said everyone would be better off if I were dead. She stormed out of cars and restaurants on a regular basis, during a lot of these events, she had this Big Horrible Grin on her Face most of the time that she was out of control. In all she Physically abused me 21 times over a 4-5 year period, but she emotionally and verbally abused me on a pretty much daily basis, making me feel like I was the biggest piece of crap on earth, for years.

95% of the time, she was a nice, caring, intelligent person and a very attractive personality to be around. But when she lost it, She LOST IT!, had no self control in those times. I know in retrospect that is what happened in her family when she was young, it was what was Accepted by them all in their family culture.

Things got bad, I got depressed, I started going to the hotel after work, to try to avoid going home and getting into these horrible escalating events. I had no clue what to do, Violence was never Tolerated in my family & especially towards Women. I have never had a Physical fight in my lifetime, I'm 50 years old, not even at school, and it was just a big NO to ever hit a woman. Over time of doing this, I turned to alcohol and gambling, I know now that they were just Escapes, to get away from all the Abuse and a way to make myself happy (only short term of course). With that obviously things just got worse and worse. We Separated eventually and are now Divorced, haven't seen her in 2 years & neither do I want to again.

It's hard to understand how did this happen, how did it go on for so long? How did I accept it? A lot of things in that, Length of relationship, I had always felt sorry for her and what happened to her as a child, I HATE Abuse! so I always used to just LET IT GO. I never called Police, I never Spoke to anyone about it. I just Bottled & Sucked it all up, over and over again & turned to Alcohol to escape the reality of what was going on. I am no saint for sure! But this Physical and Verbal constant abuse was unknown to me. It is Very Destroying to have the person you thought loved you Spit in your face 27 times, laughing at what they are doing and you just sit there, taking it, not wanting to respond in kind. It is very Damaging having your spouse punch you in the face, and then laugh at you bleeding, laying on the floor at what they had done. There was a cycle of co-dependency in the relationship, when I didn't like what was going on I argued and tried to stand up for myself, it would then just escalate, until she lost Total Control of herself and became an animal to be honest.

I'm 2 years away from her now & to be honest, whilst calmer, I know that it has affected me very deeply, I don’t trust women very much now, I'm VERY ANGRY about it. I'm Angry I Never did Anything at the time about it. I'm angry that she keeps it quiet with all that she meets, I'm Angry I kept it to myself, I'm Angry that she will Never admit to what she did, even though there were a lot of Witnesses to many of the occasions. My Kids have turned out ok as it happens, so far, which is good.

In Hindsight now after all of this Nightmare, I would offer a few words of advice:-

• It is not a sign of Love when someone abuses you, Verbally or Physically or Emotionally

• It is not Right for someone to constantly make you feel like you are crap

• It is against the Law & United Nations Declaration to Physically assault another person.

• Whether the person has been abused themselves or not, it gives them No Right to Abuse another person. Male or Female, makes no difference

• Most Women friends we both knew believed it was ok for a Woman to Abuse a man? WTH, how does that make any sense? It's Sick!

• People who abuse others hide behind Love and the quietness / shame of the victim.

• This stuff Damages you for a Very, Very long time, I'm just recovering from Alcohol abuse and other constant images in my mind of those fights.

• If someone Assaults you, Love them or not, You Call the Police!

• Make sure that you try and Document each time exactly what happens afterwards, when you have calmed down.

• Walk Away! Don't let it repeat itself, over and over again, it will Continue to.

• Do Not excuse partners Abusing you because they were Abused themselves! That will just repeat the cycle over and over again, it will go to your children and your children's children if you do not stop it by Walking away, or taking Legal action.

• The Abuse has similar effects whether carried out my a Male or a Female. It is very hard as a Male to admit what happened though. Eventually a year after divorce, I opened up to a few people, they already knew! But most of the females just thought it was OK, they didn't know about the violence though, because she was too ashamed or guilty to tell them.

Counselling has helped me a lot, but I still have the pent up Anger, that No one really knows the extent of the Abuse apart from me, my kids and a couple of close friends and that everyone else saw her as the perfect Angel. I have had trouble to Trust another Woman again since this has happened & it pretty much wrecked my whole life, especially the side effects of turning to Alcohol or Gambling.

Women Abuse Men, it's not just the other way around, it is Unacceptable, it is illegal & against humanity. If you are physically and constantly Abused, CALL THE POLICE, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP & TRY TO HEAL …

Friday
May272016

Nan's personal story

My son has been a victim of domestic violence. I am so upset that everything is available to female victims but males are completely ignored. My son and 3 grandchildren came to live with me 18 months ago when all hell broke loose at their home. My son wore the marks of physical abuse but the police believed his de facto partner. My grandchildren were all witnesses to what happened and were traumatised terribly, but they believed the female and charged my son with assault.

The children want nothing to do with their mother but the ICL (independent children's lawyer) has made things so difficult for my son that I am completely appalled. I was a victim of domestic violence myself, and I cannot believe what is happening now. My sons ex partner is apparently entitled to free legal aid and a heap of other things. And yet my son, who has struggled alone through all this, is not entitled to anything. He is unemployed, and has had to pay his own legal fees to fight for his children.

Why is it ,that being a female in this situation, is so different than being a male? I realise that there are many women out there who genuinely need help, but please remember, there are also just as many males who are shot down in flames every day. Wake up Australia!!!