TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Aug182016

Anonymous' personal story

HOW TO SEPARATE YOUR EX MAN FROM CHILD, EZ 123 GUIDE

1. When in relationship, taunt him, shout, be very aggressive, dominate everything, throw objects at him, punch him, shout at the top of your lungs at 2am and tell him to "leave or I'll call the police", especially if he watches sport at that hour. Do this on a continual basis. Throwing objects is especially good. Try getting in his face and say "hit me, go on, hit me." Do that a lot. Hopefully he will, but he probably won't, especially if he's a gentle nice guy, but chances are he will raise his voice at some stage. This IS violence. You are now a victim. Now, its very important to push him so hard he says, "I'd rather die than live with you, I'd rather kill myself and end your torment". Bingo. Save this for later. Make note of it in your diary.

2. Get him to shout at you by providing endless days of torment, then leave straight away. Be distraught as possible for witnesses. Once separated, he'll probably want access to child, he's told he's allowed. Pfft. There's ways around that. Frustrate him in any way, so much so that he'll shout at you, AGAIN, yes, again ;). Write it down. A good way is not letting him be involved in his kids upbringing, especially effective if he's one of those "gosh I love my son so much" types. Do not allow him access except for under supervision by his mother in law. When he asks for that to end after a year or two - yes drag it right out - tell him...wait for it....that will never end, that's all you can EVER hope for.

It's preferable to do this in mediation. Chances are you'll get a mediator who is quite inept. Being in mediation where he thinks he'll get a fair deal and to find he gets jack shit, will destroy his soul totally.

Other handy mediation tips: Cry a lot, but not too much, don't give it away. Explain to mediator you only have safety interests of child at heart, and you fear this guy is a danger. They all believe that one, they watch the news. Now is time to tell them he is suicidal. Remember that one? Get your diary out. He's gone once they hear that.

3. Once it all gets too much for him, after his fruitless mediation sessions, taunt him again and tell him "you'll never get anywhere near your child unless you give me more money." He WILL shout in frustration at you at some time after that, I guarantee you. Apply for an AVO immediately, in fact even wait for 6 weeks to do so, the courts are all cool with it. If he's a meek fellow, that's it, he'll run, probably not even show up in court, and you'll never see him again. Men do that, they run from this shit they hate it so much. Pathetic.

Conclusion: It's the perfect solution. He's now officially violent, when it's actually you who are the violent one, and he's too scared to ever approach you again for fear of what you'll do to him and his PTSD working away at him every night as he can't sleep. If he ever comes back after a few years, he won't get anywhere, 1. You've proved he has no interest in raising his child by his absence, AND 2. You've proved him to be violent. Game over, minimal visitation at best. Oh and 3. You've actually moved 10 hours away so there's no hope ever of any repatriation. Sooo cool.

And, imagine if he did kill himself because of the pain. How brilliant would that be!! See, he was messed up, I saved my child!

It's so brilliant. Good luck.

Thursday
Aug112016

Father and son's personal story

As a father who has been through the legal system in the 1980's as a child. With memories of women's shelters, family law courts and social workers. Which I had repressed and forgotten with love of a good woman and family life, and raising two children girl and boy and focusing on giving them all my body could give. I forgot a hell my brothers and I went through in the shelter, not home. I am trying as I write this not to remember that period of my life just enough to alert anyone to the abuse all kinds, who will afford it a few minutes. A flashback from something I saw, a feeling of utter fear shakes me to my core, media reports that my boy is born a rapist.

How has it been allowed my son is at risk, as is every other boy who grows into a man and then vilified just because he is male. I recall memories of my childhood in women's shelters 5-10 years old. Remembering really vividly the beatings the other boys and sometimes girls got. These mothers took it out on their kids. Please believe me it wasn't ignored but the norm was mums complaining after beating their kid to other mums. I heard many times in different ways ("you fucking little shit, just like your dad," then some kind of, not a smack but a real flogging). My mate was suffering right in front of me.

I had suppressed these nightmares. So regular was my mates being smacked and slapped and verbally humiliated to the point of them pissing themselves in their pants by their mums, I was lucky my mum wasn't as bad. But I do now recall this lady saying mum would have to say violence and charges or she would have to leave. I didn't like the social workers. They said whatever they wanted to get what they wanted. Bullys. They tried to put me up to saying things (all I will say) about dad. As they would put a coke and bag of crisps or chocolate on the desk. The last time this happened I didn't say no I just froze. This time I was older and knew what would happen to dad. Imagine betraying your dad for coke and crisps. I was 7 I think. Sorry I don't want to remember anymore. That all.

My son is not a rapist and neither am I.

Sunday
Aug072016

Paul's personal story

I'm just reading your page on domestic violence orders. I'm in Queensland and my partner has taken one out on me for no apparent reason other than financial gain. We have 5 businesses, 3 multi-million dollar properties, and we are well off. My partner has used the court system to remove me from everything, and she pays for my accommodation where I'm staying. Total control over every movement I make.

I call the police because my partner stalks me but they laugh it off.

She controls all the finances, accountants, business.

Had to sell my Porsche just to survive and it was being vandalised.

Police don't do anything. Courts are doing nothing. I press charges and they do nothing.

Fraud on legal documents. Break and enter and assault on me. Theft from me.

There are so many things but the police don't do anything. I make statements but that's it - nothing happens.

It's a great story. There is not one bit of violence at all from me, just made up lies about me.

And it's just amazing how the police and courts do nothing.

In our businesses we look after people with mental health problems. Unfortunately my partner is suffering from this.

One day she loves me, the next she wants to kill me.

I'm down to my last dollar.

The other night I came home from the movies and a piece of MEAT with a note was there: "Die you c.... you're getting nothing!".

The Police came out and laughed. They took photos but would not do anything.

Look it's a story about a woman abusing the DVO system for financial gain, and mentally abusing me. I never thought a woman would ever do this kind of behaviour. Especially when we love each other so much, and still do.

Example: "I love you come home." I do - silly me. Then work gets on top of her, and she calls the police on me. I'm breached.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Any woman or child that is abused by anyone should go to jail for life.

But in my case I'm the victim. And the courts look at me as though I'm lying and my partner is portrayed as the victim, with no violence at all from me.

And judges don't listen or Police.

It's funny people with money and mental health problems are more dangerous than anyone.

Thursday
Aug042016

Charles' personal story

Shorthand version. At 29, I met what I thought was the perfect woman, we fell in love etc etc etc.

After about 6 months, whilst we were taking precautions, she became pregnant however she decided she would terminate. I felt a great deal of guilt in that situation and she went on for a month about how the whole episode was my fault. I took all the blame, the guilt was real.

We moved in together. All my family lived interstate, I had a busy working life and didnt get out a great deal because of that, so she effectively had me a little isolated.

She would demand sex almost every day. When I was a little tired and not quite up to it, there would be an hour of, you're useless, not a real man etc. Unfortunately, at the time I was drained and still felt guilt over the termination and thought I owed her a great deal for putting her through all that.

Eventually the tirades turned physical. I remember more clearly than others a time when she slapped me and then repeatedly kicked my shins with these particularly hard toes shoes. Eventually I'd had enough of it that day and pushed her down onto the bed directly behind her. I was extremely angry, so locked myself in the bathroom. She left the house.

Later I'd pieced together that she had gone to her parents home and told them I had physically attacked her.

It continued like this for awhile, maybe a year, similar episodes. Until over a few months I'd slowly started to overcome my shame and talk to my friends about it all. They were the ones that I drew strength from to one day turn around and say enough and walk away.

That time trapped in that relationship though is still extremely hard for me to explain. I still cannot entirely fathom how I'd let someone have that power over me to not just deal with it or walk away sooner. I know a lot was to do with guilt and a lot was to do with not feeling worthy of the relationship. I am also a bit of a perfectionist, which really doesn't help either.

Thursday
Jul282016

Kane's personal story

The day of our wedding, the first thing that she said to me after walking up the aisle was “Do I look pretty?” The second thing that she said was “Do I look skinny?” I should have known right then that our relationship was only ever going to be about her.

After the ceremony was finished and we took some photos with the guests and our families outside, we headed to our 1950s wedding car to depart to our first photo location. She asked me to sit in the front with the driver so that her dress wouldn’t get squashed. The driver said that in his 23 years of driving for weddings, not once, until our wedding, had the bride and groom not sat together. It wasn’t a good sign.

We hadn't lived together before getting married, but I was concerned that we wouldn't be able to sleep next to each other once we did because I would snore at times, and she was really sensitive to noise. She came up with a rule that no matter what time she went to bed, I would have to stay awake at least 20 minutes after she had fallen asleep before I could try to sleep. After a few weeks, I became so sleep deprived that I couldn't possibly follow these rules anymore, and I started drifting off even though I was trying to stay awake. She ripped the blankets off me, turned on the lights, and started screaming at me, telling me that I had to sleep on the floor, that I didn't deserve any blankets, that I was a fat ugly pig who disgusted her and that my mother had never loved me. When I refused to get out of the bed she kicked me in the back until I gave in. I eventually moved just so that I could try to get some sleep before getting up early to go to work the next day.

I was constantly put down and yelled at and told that I was in the wrong, but that she never was. I had to wear slippers around the house so that I didn't leave any footprints on the floorboards. I wasn't able to set foot in many of the rooms in the house because I would scuff the carpets. I wasn't allowed to turn the tap on in the sink because it would leave water droplets or even make toast in the kitchen as it would leave a smell or a crumb. I was consistently told that I breathed too heavily and ate too heavily, and would sometimes have to eat food in the garage because she couldn't stand the noises I made. Her favourite insult was to tell me how disgusting I was. I would get yelled at for going to the toilet in my own house, and would sometimes say that I was going down the street to the supermarket just so that I could go to the toilet in peace.

She viewed sport, my friends and my family as the enemy, and slowly started to try to cut these things out of my life or turn others against me. I tried to go to my father's birthday celebrations one year, and was locked in the wardrobe with her standing at the door. She said that if I tried to get out she would call the Police and lie to them about me hitting her so that I would get into trouble. She then picked up my mobile phone and smashed it into the ground, breaking the screen in the process.

Weekends would involve driving her to shopping centres so that she could buy all the newest and fanciest fashions. Meanwhile she cancelled my credit card and tried to control my finances, limiting me to $200 a fortnight, which wasn't even enough for petrol, public transport fares and food for lunch.

Eventually I found out that she had been cheating on me and having an affair with her personal trainer since before we married. After two years I planned my escape, packed up all my stuff while she was at work, and later came by with a mutual friend to ensure my safety when I asked her for a divorce. I had all of the doors unlocked in the house in case she tried to lock us in or pull out a knife. Luckily there was only one or two insults, as she tried to hide her abusive behaviours from her friends or family. I was then abused by her father a few months later for supposedly doing all of the things that she did to me when we were together. He then tried to threaten to sue me for theft and fraud unless I paid for half of their legal fees for the divorce proceeding. I guess I know where she learned to be a bully from. Knowing my legal rights however, I refused, hung up the phone, and haven't heard from them since.

Although I am still impacted by some of the traumatic events that I went through in our marriage, I am grateful for the wisdom and growth that I have since achieved, and appreciate the freedom that I now get to experience every day. I am in a happy, loving, supportive, respectful and equal relationship with my new girlfriend. We discuss any issues that arise in a healthy way without any name calling or verbal abuse, and compromise where necessary to ensure that both of our emotional needs can be met. Most importantly, we encourage each other to be who we are, and to see our friends and family and engage in our leisurely pursuits as much as we would like to do so. Intimate partner violence against both men and women is wrong, and equal relationships filled with mutual respect will go a long way towards overcoming this all too common problem!