TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Aug272017

Pablo's personal story

I am dead as a result of the abuse I have suffered. You will forgive me please as someone else gives me the voice I did not have while I was alive.

I am 39 years old. My teenage daughter decided she was not getting her own way enough. She got a couple of her friends to help her and she told lies to the police. She told the police I was abusing her sexually and that I had raped her. Her friends told similar lies to back her up.

I was arrested at gunpoint, and interviewed by the police. My two little children were taken away from me, and I was forced to leave my home and my wife. My wife was forced to sign papers against me - they told her if she did not sign them they would take our children from her immediately. My wife was devastated. I spent the next year or so staying with other members of my family, and trying hard to keep a good relationship with my little kids and my wife on supervised visits.

I did everything the court orders told me to, and did not do anything to make the situation worse, or to contact anyone. I did not even leave the house where I was staying for more than 8 months, and then I just went shopping in a different town. Me and my whole family were gagged, we were not allowed to say anything, even though my daughter and her friends could still spread lies about me.

In a whole year, and after interviewing me more than once, the police had still not charged me with any crime. But at the end of the court orders, when I thought I would be able to go home and rebuild my life with my children and my wife, my daughter and her friends made a new application for court orders against me, and told even bigger lies. I was served with another lot of accusations and orders that keep me away from my wife, my children and my home, once again.

The police and my solicitor had told me that in cases like this everyone believes that women will never tell lies about things like this, and that men are assumed to be guilty whether there is any evidence or not. I found out that this really is true. A woman or a girl just needs to say something like this, and even though there is no evidence to support the lies told about me, and the police did not charge me with any crime, these women/girls can go on subjecting me to this kind of abuse year after year, the courts will always grant them their court orders, and my life is ruined. Abuse does not have to be physical. The psychological, mental and emotional abuse against me has destroyed me and my family.

I have no way out. I have no way of proving my innocence, as the word of the girls is regarded as the truth even without supporting evidence. Their smear campaign has ruined my reputation. I will never be able to be involved in community groups, sports, any activities with children or girls because of the lies that have been told about me.

My family has been devastated, my little children want their daddy - it breaks my heart every time I have to send them home without me, and they cry for me. My wife is distraught. I have no choices, I have no future, and I do not have the enormous amount of money I need for an aggressive private defense - a lawyer has quoted me $50,000 to $100,000 with a probability that I will never win, because the girls do not have to provide solid evidence. It is possible I would to go to prison for something I did not do, and I would not be the first.

This last lot of orders and accusations is more than I can take. I have been struggling to keep above the hopelessness, fear, devastation, anger, and depression I feel. I cannot turn my head off. It would have been kinder to me and my family if these girls had broken into my home and shot me dead - at least there would have been an event and then a chance of recovery.

This relentless ongoing abuse is a long slow death. And it is slowly but surely damaging and killing my family as well. I cannot fight it any longer. I have no voice, my strength is gone, my life is ruined, my family is destroyed.

On 9th December 2014 I ended my own life.

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Sunday
Aug202017

Nathan's personal story

I hate the term victim but when you at your lowest, what else are you? When you have been compared to her ex in every imaginable way (yes including intimate) where do you go?

I have copy and paste from a doc that I wrote, names deleted. I left the real world about twelve years ago. I will start with some real truths and then some explanations.

  • I have no self-worth.
  • I have been taught to believe that I am a failure.
  • I really resent the person / people that did this to me.
  • I started a xxxxxxx business to get some self-worth back.
  • I went from job to job for years because I didn’t believe that I was worthy of a good job. Even when I got a good job I would leave it because I did not deserve it, so I believed. Only two people tried to contact me after I left the world as in normal life. One, I continue to communicate with and cannot thank this person enough. The second blamed me for everything in their life.
  • I cannot allow people to see me, not physically, but mentally.
  • I cry every day. Some days or even weeks are good, but, most sad.
  • I hate every day, it’s just sad. However, in a crazy way, I love every day that I climb on a xxxxxxxxxxx, make people happy and make money. I was taught for so long that I could not make enough money and that I was a failure. Not you xxx.
  • I am a total hermit. I see nobody and do not go out; however, I do have a nice little “friend” that I share nice times with.
  • I trust that my ex or her family are nowhere to be seen. She told me that “I have made sure that my family will never speak to you again.” You may find this hard to believe but I do love all of my children. I just think that they are better off without me.

Around 12 years ago I started a relationship with a person that I loved like no other and it was great, or so I thought. This person systematically put me down in every way imaginable, and some of the ways will shock you all.

I cared for her, boosted her confidence, loved her and was there always. However, after she came off anti-depressants, everything changed. I did most of the house cleaning, landscaped the garden, renovated the house, but, the big but, I could not earn enough money. I could not work out why.

Please see the signs early and act on them, whether you are the abuser or the abused.

Let me tell you some of them, and these are harsh.

When washing the dishes “water” was yelled out. That meant you are using too much water in the sink. I was the only one that did the dishes.

I re painted the house twice. Every time I would say: “I will start in this room” only to be told “No how stupid are you? Start in this room”. When I painted a room, she would find a drop of paint somewhere, abuse again.

I landscaped the entire garden, huge job. She was so surprised at how it turned out as her ex was a builder / landscaper and did not think that I could do anything like I did.

If I weeded the garden she would find a few weeds left behind and abuse me.

She constantly compared me to her ex, (now this is hard to believe) even in the most intimate ways. ie “No don’t do it like that XXXX taught me to do it this way” Appalling. Just reflect for a minute people, would any of you compare your partner / husband to your ex in an intimate situation?

I remember one night cooking (as I did) and she came in and said “You have got the wrong Fxxxing fan on (pushed) get out of the kitchen I will do it! You have no idea what you are doing. I stopped cooking after that.

I have a medical allergy to house dust so I asked her not to empty the vacuum cleaner bag inside the house. Her response “What would you know you are just too fucking stupid”

Are you getting the idea?

This IS domestic violence against a man, me. At least I used to think that I was a man now just an idiot.

She is seen as a role model. Paid well and highly regarded in her family, but, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. She has lied to her employers and to her family.

I just hate myself and I have no self-worth.

Thursday
Aug172017

Malcolm's personal story

Aged in my 40s I discovered that within 6 months of getting married that my now ex (then early 30s) had a previous life of alcohol drugs and crime which she had covered up with an "I am a poor unfortunate single mum with kids" story and act.

I ended up doing everything whilst she got drunk and had affairs. We then had a child (unplanned) and despite my daily pleas, she drank and smoked through every day of the pregnancy.

Soon after the birth she returned to being really drunk and started to beat on me physically with her fists and with anything handy round the house she could grab. I could see this brewing almost daily and did my best to get the kids in bed before she started up. I was often hit and punched until I was pushed out the front door where she would then ring the Police and claim there was a stalker outside.

We separated and she then had me beaten by a friend of hers. Despite my concerns about her violence the authorities let her see our child even after she punched him and broke his teeth aged 3. This violence towards our child continued all the time she claimed it was me and mirroring and recounting her own acts of violence to Police and family court.

Finally after 7 years and 12 false allegations towards me she knocked our child out cold whilst drunk one night and when that child came to, they decided they could take no more so rang me. There was never another visit after that and that child made it clear they would "kill" her if there was ever another visit.

Four 2-year violence restraining orders made no difference to her as she breached them over 40 times in total and only after 25 or so breaches did the Police even bother to charge her.

She has since been convicted of grievous bodily harm towards someone else along with 2 convictions for breaches of restraining orders. Would you believe it, all three were suspended convictions, which meant no jail time, no conviction on her police record and just a fine. This is the problem - the authorities are ALL to ready to believe that the male is always the abuser but not the female.

In this case she was abusive to both myself and our child. Even after the Police Child Abuse Unit interviewed our child at great length and were faced with statements, photos of harm etc, they would not charge her. I hope she rots in hell as she has made it hard for both of us to move on with our lives.

Monday
Aug142017

Allan's personal story

I have also been the victim of family violence, by my second wife who I met in 2005. I owned my own house at the time and had been separated and divorced from my first wife for many years. My children from my first marriage 15 year-old girl and 14 year-old boy were a large part of my life and spent a lot of time with me. I decided I wanted to find a partner so I put an add in one of the online dating sites and that's how I met my second wife.

She was very down to earth and we hit it off from day one, during the first few months of my new relationship, my first wife asked me to take the children permanently as she had become quite ill and was having difficulty with the children. I discussed this with my new partner and she suggested we all move in to her rented rural property.

My new partner had a habit of smoking dope on occasion and had a healthy appetite for alcohol also, in particular cheap champagne. It did not represent a problem at this time or so I thought.

We moved in and all was well for a while. My new partner was good with my children but not so successful with her only child a son who was about 12 at that time he had started experimenting with dope and alcohol and was failing at school. He was suspended many times and eventually was asked to leave and went to live with his father.

My partner became pregnant a short time after and although I was in my late 40s and she was early 40s this was our future. We married while she was in early pregnancy. Things took a down turn during pregnancy and never recovered. We had a beautiful daughter who is now 8-years-old.

After the child was born my wife suffered great personal anguish I believe she did suffered from post-natal depression although to my knowledge she never was treated for it.

She began smoking dope daily and drinking to get drunk daily. We argued constantly most times ending with her telling me to get out of HER house. I could not do this to my new baby so I stuck in there.

The arguments continued and she took to abusing my older children as well as me. My older daughter moved out not long after she finished schooling. My son went to university and also moved out a year or so later. That left me with my wife and baby girl.

My wife had the sex drive of a porno queen and clearly I could not keep up. She constantly abused me for not wanting to have sex with her, called me a eunuch and talked about her past lovers being better then me.

I was depressed by this and saw my doctor asking for Viagra so I could be a stud. He was concerned that I was being downtrodden and asked my how I felt about this. He also gave me Viagra. For those that have never tried it let me tell you I works a treat but after a while I got sick of it and stopped taking it. My wife then asked me how I felt if she were to take on a lesbian lover.

We continued to fight regularly with her busting a metal rake across my head one night then calling the police! I was bleeding when the cops showed up. The police didn't know what to do so they asked if there was somewhere else I could go for the night, I ended up staying on the property in another building. Can you imagine if this had been the other way round. I would have been arrested and charged.

My wife started smoking synthetic cannabis and that was the straw that broke the camels back. She was out of control and seeing councillors and doctors to combat depression, anxiety and god knows what else.

She became delusional more aggressive and psychotic. She threatened my oldest daughter will a baseball bat on one occasion. My daughter called the police.. I made no statement as I didn't want anyone to be involved with police. No action was taken on this occasion with the police saying as they left that if they had to return someone would be arrested they looked in my wife's direction.

The same continued on until one night after she smoked some dope and got drunk and abused me, I told my wife I was leaving her and taking my then 6 year old daughter with me.

She attacked me, punched me in the family jewels hung on a squeezed them like she was possessed we fell to the floor she banged her head in the process. She then left leaving my daughter and myself in the house and called police from somewhere up the road. Keep in mind she was drunk and on drugs and the police noted she was effected by alcohol.

She told the 000 line that her husband had beat her repeatedly and that there were firearms in the house. Police came I was arrested my wife led the police to a locked shed on the property where she knew I had firearms locked in cabinets and gave the keys to police. I was charged with assault and unlicensed firearms and put in jail. An AVO was placed on me by police.

I spent 6 months in jail while appearing in different courts to have these matters heard. I was refused bail. The firearms were not registered and I was unlicensed they were locked inside metal lockers in a locked building on the property nowhere near the house. There were no firearms in the house. I used to be a licensed shooter but had let my license lapse many years ago. My wife knew I had these firearms and I had told her not long before this incident that I wanted to renew my license or get rid of them.

Eventually I had my day in court after 6 months imprisonment the charges were broken up into 2 separate hearings the first one was for firearms. I was given a 2 year prison sentence for the firearms to be paroled after 6 months which I had served. I was released from custody. The judges comments were that he found I was a person of good character and had the firearms been found in any other manner it is unlikely I would have received a jail sentence.

The assault charge was heard a month later it was dismissed and thrown out of court so was the AVO the judge commented that my wife's version of events were not believable.

In the time I was in prison my wife attempted (unsuccessfully) to take out AVOS on my oldest daughter and also a personal friend of mine. She also harassed my friends and made up stories about me beating her up, she went as low as to put makeup on her face take selfie photos and post it on Facebook looking like she had done 5 rounds with Muhammad Ali. She carries these images around with her on her mobile phone and shows them to anyone she feels she needs to manipulate, she did it to the police after her case was very quickly proven to be fabrication and thrown out of court she also showed them to a public solicitor who represented her at the family court on one occasion.

I have now way to stop any of this. This is not fair. And it is family violence. No one cares.

While in prison my wife's estranged son broke into my sheds and stole, burnt and destroyed much of my property to the value of over $25k. I had police out to inspect this they will take no action as he says he didn't do it and there is no CCTV evidence. The fact that the police know he had removed my property and occupied my shed with many of his belongings and he had graffitied all over the inside and outside of the sheds using his own name has no consequence.

This is still going on I am now involved with the family court as my wife started proceedings as soon as I was put in jail. She also went for an overseas holiday 1 week after the alleged assault.

She continues to harass me by making false statements to the court, failing to supply information to me as directed by the court and sending me lengthy text and emails which make no sense at all since she claims I am tormenting her!

She recently threatened me in a text and on advice from the domestic violence hotline I took it to police who refused to act on it saying I was not in any physical danger so an AVO was not appropriate.

So there you have it. One rule for boys and one rule for girls and no such thing as equality. Women who know how to play the system have no problem destroying males and it's all geared in there favour.

My cost so far besides my reputation, freedom, business, health and wellbeing is a financial loss of over $250k. I'm still trying to get on with my life and be supportive of my child. It's not over yet and I would like to see some sort of protection made available to men who get set up and crushed by this system that is clearly faulted.

This is a horror story but all true and I bet I'm not the only man who has been treated like this.

Thursday
Aug102017

Alex's personal story

In its own way my arrival at this site talks to a need, for an outlet, for a means of expressing what has been a long journey. However I'm not entirely sure, other than the sense of release, what can be the benefit of such recounting but clearly I'm in company.

This recounting is of my parents and their life and by proxy the impact on their children, of whom I am the eldest of four.

Dad was and is a tall man, average figure but kept himself trim and slim all his life, which is now into its ninth decade. Mum is a small woman, barely cracking five feet at her best and with the ageing process is shrinking under that mark. I mention this only to give a sense of the physical context.

Dad was a tradesman, worked with his hands on aircraft and did well within the context of an artisan of old. Never educated at a tertiary level due to a complexity of his own family situation but a steady good worker. Mum had the intellect in the family. Topped an 'A' level exam in the UK at I think a national context, but irrespective she had her share of brains. They were married and had a family at a time when the social construct had that the man earned the money and the woman stayed home and had children.

Mum did not handle this well. It was clear to me that Mum resented this social construct, the assignment of gender roles. In that she was and is clearly not alone and many in society, including myself, note and applaud the movement made over time in this social more and at a personal level I would and did encourage her to find an outlet for her abilities. To no avail.

However it is in the manner of her reaction to this construct that I articulate here. Mum railed against the social construct in a manner that entirely focused on Dad. He was and remains the focus of Mum's frustration, resentment and ultimately a sense of failure that she was not able to achieve what she felt that she could.

In no individual way did Dad perpetuate nor act out this social construct, Mum was free and did occasionally find herself low level employment in the workforce. In itself a mainstream story of unfulfilled ability but in the context of family abuse it played out as an archetypal example of violence against men; my dad.

Over the complete span of their marriage, greater than sixty years, Mum used Dad as her punching bag. Given the constraints of their respective physiologies the physical side of the abuse was unable to manifest in actual bodily harm, notwithstanding some attempts to do so.

What was constant, relentless and gradually worsening was the emotional, verbal and intellectual abuse visited upon Dad's acquising form. His response was almost universally tolerant, notwithstanding a very occasional attempt at resistance, and perhaps it was no more or less a manifestation of his intrinsically gentle nature. I recall clearly a father/teenage son lesson time where the message was 'never use your physical strength against women'. A good and valuable lesson in life, but I noted later when I brought my own intelligence to bear that there was never any recognition nor articulation of the verbal and emotional abuse that was occurring.

A wiser person in Mum would have seen her own behaviour for what it was and sought solutions elsewhere or at a minimum understood the unfairness of her actions and used her husband as a partner in finding a way forward.

Mum and Dad are now in their eighties. Their life's journey has run and their legacy is a close and growing family of three generations. I note even now Dad's respect and gentleness as Mum suffers through some age related health issues, a respect untainted by decades of abuse, and still manifestly not reciprocated.

I sigh and yet stand in awe as I see my Dad offer the whole of himself in supporting his life's partner, putting to one side his lifetime without bitterness nor rancor: I couldn't do it and I'm not sure if that makes me a better or wiser person than my Dad.

This recounting is not an attempt in any sense to ameliorate the horror and pain of physical abuse by any party on their partner. It is in my own way an attempt to represent a balance to the debate on how to frame the social and legislative protections for the abuse that hides behind the doors of family.