TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
May312018

Joe's personal story

It's two years on now since my arrest and eviction from what I thought was my last ever home belonging to my ex-GF of ten years. We had met as teens in the seventies and I lost my virginity to her, whilst we were members of the infamous “Byron Bay Love Guru” in Goulburn, NSW.

She had told me of her recent past history of sexual violence towards her, even then. "Ali-stah" deliberately broke us up, so he could take her as his 11th wife after I was booted out. We bumped into each other a few times throughout the eighties, but she joined another cult, the “Moonies” whilst I became a security guard/private investigator and JP.

In Oct 2014 we met again by chance and attempted to start a relationship, but for the past 17 years she had suffered horrendous systematic domestic violence from her husband, who had also terrorised her 3 daughters to him, including a severely disabled one. But, with her previous sexual and physical violence history and my physical disabilities from 20 years of brutal security work, we remained platonic after 3 months for the next 10 years.

The first time she physically attacked me, “sucker shoved” me, was the direct result of her husband causing her trouble. Once he became aware of my continued presence in both his estranged ex-wife's and daughters' lives he sunk to every low level of false accusation he could think of. Help for these calculating cunning conniving lies was non-existent in NSW, then as now.

For the next 10 years, she and I fought and argued verbally - name calling - but she always initiated the physical violence whenever she couldn't get her own way. I was also a former victim of my own abusive alcoholic father's systematic DV up until high school in the 70's and I watched and learnt how my passive-aggressive/provocateur mother would nightly “bait” him, into first verbal then physical fighting for over a decade.

I would get in between Mum and Dad and take many of the blows, scratches and kicks meant for each other. But Dad didn't start beating in upon me until Mum kept insisting that I call “the Big Burley Boys in Blue Serge” down upon him. Dad saw it as “siding with your Mother” and Betrayal. NSW Police KNEW all about it for all those years and did NOTHING.

So, I learnt first hand what causes DV. Exact SAME story in my ex-GF. In October of 2014, after moving away from Sydney to the Mid North Coast with ALL I ever owned, she had me arrested by the brave men and women of NSW Police who mocked and ridiculed my physical disabilities and chronic illness and I was evicted, found “guilty” in my enforced absence from court, fined and a 10 year criminal record (my first) as a “DV perpetrator”. Any/all respect I once had for NSW Police I worked alongside/with, is gone.

Sunday
May272018

Steve's personal story

Good Day.

Where to start?

I married my 2nd wife in 2005 after a miserable and abusive 1st marriage. I was certain that this new woman would never speak down to me or hurt me in any way. Boy was I wrong. The abuse started and I did not even recognise it.

Within the 1st year of marriage I lost my job and had a hard time finding gainful employment in my field. I took myself back to school and did whatever I could to contribute to the household bills. That is when her drinking increased and the words of anger and just downright rude and mean started. Then my family was excluded from virtually anything we were accustomed to. Her mother moved in because she could not afford her bills so we decided to help her for 6 months which turned into 7 years.

In those 7 years her drinking got worse now that she had someone to drink with all the time. The 1st physical assault was witnessed by her mother while my 7 year old son was asleep upstairs, I would have left that night if it would not have been for my son sleeping. Her own mother even tried to stop her. She said that she was sorry and it would never happen again.

The next time after a verbal argument I handed her my wedding ring and said I cannot do this, and she threw it across the street and told me to leave “her” house. Me being stubborn refused to leave the home that we purchased together, so I stayed like a fool.

The next time occurred after I was not home drinking with her, I was 2 houses away and just got back from a 4 wheeler ride with my friend and he saw my dog running up the street and my ex-wife was in tow she entered his driveway came right up to me took a swing at my head and kicked me in the balls. When I went home that night she once again came after me at the door. I slept in the shed.

Another time she came after me and I slept in my truck parked in the back of our property.

I was assaulted again in 2012 about 2 months after shoulder surgery and I tried to restrain her and when I say restrain I sincerely mean restrain her. Her mother came down and saw we restraining her daughter and called the police. Subsequently I was arrested and charged with simple assault. However I was the one with cuts and bruises all over my face. The charges were later dismissed. We talked and both firmly believed that with the presence of her mother and her overstaying her welcome, remember it was supposed to be 6 months it was over 6 years that our relationship is suffering because we could not get the quality time alone that a couple needs. We agreed to tell her mother that she needs to move out gave her 30 days and about 45 days she left only to return inside of 30 days. She was there another 60 days and I have had enough I told her mother that she has another week to be gone when I return from my trip if she is not I will be changing the locks on the house. From that point on it got even worse. Maybe I didn’t realise that the mother ran interference for me.

Now that she was gone her drinking increased her insecurities worsened and the verbal and physical assaults became more frequent and more violent. She even said to me after the last assault that she does not know why she does what she does to me, because if it weren’t for me we would not have the beautiful house a brand new car luxury vacations and everything that goes along with a well over 6 figure income provides.

This is when it gets really good.

We go on our 2nd vacation to Aruba with another couple and our 2nd night there my clothes end up in the hall of the resort and locked out of the room that is actually a friend of mine. At the end of the trip she once again gets combative and abusive and even throws a beverage on me. I told her that I agree with her that this relationship is toxic and we shouldn’t be together and when we get home we should split. Thanksgiving week 2014 I had a multi-level spinal fusion. I was recovering well at home with no issues. In January 2015 I was watching the playoff football Saturday night game the Steelers VS? she came out of the bedroom after being passed out for 3 hours and attacked me. Keep in mind that I am in a removable body cast and cannot lift over 5 pounds and no bending at the waist. Somehow I thwarted her attack and got away from her and retreated to an upstairs bedroom and barricaded myself in another room. I assessed my injuries and contacted the police. They came to the house and I am being interrogated by them and made to feel like I was the aggressor as I am bleeding from the lips and have scratches all over my face. They finally arrest and charge her and I file a TRO. I had the locks on my home changed and went to court for the charges against her and all they did was read them on to record that night. Some time passed and we spoke I dropped the TRO and criminal charges. In February she came after me again. Once again I file a TRO and she convinces me to drop it so it will not affect her nursing license.

In September 2015 she is upset with me because I had to go to work on my day off and I had a few doctor’s appointments scheduled due to re-injuring my back and am looking at a strong possibility of a 3rd back surgery. She started getting enraged and argumentative and I said look I need to go before I get the shit kicked out of me again and walked out the door. As I was getting to my car she came flying out the door and attempted to enter my car as I try and drive off she picks up handfuls of driveway stones and goes to throw them at my brand new car. I managed to escape unharmed. Immediately my phone starts ringing, now that I am safe I said THAT'S IT I AM DONE I WAN'T A DIVORCE I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE COME AT ME IN AN AGGRESSIVE MANNER EVER AGAIN!! Later that day she texts me and says we need to talk. I said I am at the doctor’s and there is nothing to talk about. I said I will be coming by with the police to get some personal belongings she said that just let her know when I am coming and she will leave so we did not have to involve the police. So I packed everything I could into my car that I could and left. I came back the next day to get more. The following week I got the rest of my stuff that I could fit into my truck and what I couldn’t I locked in my outdoor detached garage and let her know when I would be back for them. Another week came and I got most of my stuff from the garage. A few days later she really had the balls to text me and ask where did we go wrong? Seriously I did not want to respond. So I put it all out there and let her know. A few more weeks go by and I texted her to let her know that I was coming for the rest go my belongings in the garage. She did not respond and I went there with 2 others to retrieve what was left. When I was finished I texted her to let her know that I got the rest and have no need to come back, but if she comes across anything of mine to please put it all aside for me and I will get it at a later date. I still have not heard from her.

I file for divorce in October and she never responds to the summons. I go to court in February to get it finalised since she never responded and I get served with a TRO from October for criminal mischief for removing my belongings from the garage. My divorce was granted uncontested and returned a week later and the TRO was dismissed because it did meet the definition of criminal mischief as defined by the State Of NJ. As I am leaving the courtroom her mother jumps in my face and states that this isn’t over you mother fucker. I said to the judge do I really have to be harassed in your courtroom by her mother. He said Mr. May you are not being harassed just leave.

In short to recap what I can remember I was assaulted 20 times over 10 years and not sure if I felt more victimised by her or the police and the court system. Keep in mind she filed a TRO in October and I didn’t get served until February.

There are few resources for men and the police and courts really need some sensitivity training for dealing with male victims of DV. There is nowhere to go in Southern New Jersey for men for help or advice. I would really like to start something here for men.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you want more information.

Sunday
Mar252018

Jarrad's personal story

The first time was at a wedding, a friend of her she hated. She got drunk, and I left with our son because he was tired and young. He slept while I kept the car running for hours in the carpark to keep him warm and safe. When she returned, drunk, she tried to kill us, all three of us, drive us off the road. I called her mum to come get her from the side of the road… I should have called the police.

The next time, she came home in the middle of the night, spent all our savings on another hair cut. She attacked me so bad I had blood covering my legs and a chemical burn to my face. She called the police, and she was taken away. I never should have let her come back.

The next is a list I am sure isn't uncommon: smashed electrics, smashed doors, smashed kitchenware, plates, bowls, phones, cars, hysterical attacks, I even made a safe house in my own home. I dunno what I was thinking, save my marriage, protect my son.

I am over 15 thousand in legal debts, two VRO's, one night in a holding cell (for sending an SMS) and more debt because when I was made homeless after the police accused me of being violent they took away my right to enter my house, and my right to see my son, just like that.

It has been six months. Tomorrow I get to see my boy for the first time since January 14th. I even missed his third birthday. I am still the criminal, I have to have a woman, a woman I have to pay for, follow me around, just for two hours with my son. I am on a plan with my lawyer, and this protection, and in debt to try and buy all the normal things, like a bed, they took from me, for nothing. I spend over 70% of my income on legal, protection, and debt. Then I have to find child support, then I am supposed to eat somehow…

And the reason I came to tell you my story. It is never too late! I would do anything for my son. I will go bankrupt, I will work 2 jobs, I would even do something immoral to get this money. There is hope, keep your heads up, take photos, take videos, take action.

If you don't, the court will make you fight just to be a father, and a free man. While she gets child support, legal aid, Centrelink, and everyones support.

I have the photos, I have the witnesses, I even have her on record threatening to kill my son, she said it to a cop. I have proof she tried to kill herself as a sole parent, the only one looking after my son. The cops walked in on her doing it… She still has my boy, the court still keeps him away from me, hides her address, wont even let me show you pictures of my own son. He has missed Kindy 3, and now Kindy 4, and I have no say in this.

The evidence means nothing but keep records, keep your head up, and get out because every step you don't take, is ten more you will have to take in the end. When you get your day to prove it, it will be the sweetest day. Mine is still months away, but tomorrow, I get to see my son and I get to live in safety, without violence, threats, and financial stress. I get a warm bed, and a safe place.

Respect, anyone who lives through this, respect.

Sunday
Mar182018

Daniel's personal story

Dear White Ribbon,

Whilst I appreciate your ad campaign I feel it is biased in the sense of nearly a decade of spousal abuse. I recently lost my smell due to a coward's punch from behind to my temporal lobe. These ads remind me of the assaults every time I see them on TV.

It's fair to say as a male with a build of 110kgs 186cm & working in security it is humiliating for me personally to admit to my family, friends & workplace my partner weighing in at 45kgs beats me.

It has taken me years to admit this, hoping every day it will get better, I admit I need counselling, I am a mess.

I empathise that women struggle to report their violence, however it is gut wrenching, embarrassing for a ALPHA male working in security to come forward. I still love her even though she has robbed me in so many ways, but now she has robbed my sense of smell. Enough is enough.

I have sought medical advice & a counsellor.

Personally I think there should be an equal campaign, would you disagree? If we can get rid of ‘grid girls’ at car rallies and other examples of being politically correct, then surely we can afford a “VAM VAM thank you Maam” campaign.

Take care & stay safe.

My best,

Daniel

Friday
Mar022018

Lost and Confused's personal story

I'll start with the sad admission that my female partner has abused me regularly for the past 5 years. I have tried very hard to work through the issues that cause her to become abusive to the great detriment to my own mental health. I have been pushed to the point of retaliation a few times but I always try very hard to not snap under pressure. Often I feel like giving up completely. We have separated a few times but always get back together. Perhaps this situation rings true for some of you out there. In spite of everything that's happened I still love her and I know she loves me too. I want to keep trying. For those who are still trying their best to live normally I have some advice.

Recently I was enduring and doing my best to ignore a day of verbal text message abuse. At the end of my working day I met my partner in town and calmly but firmly confronted her on her behaviour. She lost her temper and hit me – once. I was unhurt and unharmed – I walked away, shaken and upset.

The incident is unfortunately something I have experienced several times now. This time she had been drinking, I was scared she would turn violent towards me through the night, something that has happened before and caused me to run away. She turned up at home angry and I smelled trouble. Upset, lost and stuck with no friends to turn and talk to I ran away. I went to the nearby police station, I thought I'd find someone willing to listen and just share a kind word to get me back on my feet. Goodness me I wish I had not done this now.

I have learned the police are evidently unable and unwilling to support someone like me who just wanted to talk through their difficulties and make a plan to resolve things at home. They are evidently tasked with proving by numbers their effectiveness at bringing DV perpetrators to justice. While I was upset they simply probed me using a checklist until they had enough information to go find CCTV evidence of my partner striking me and – the next day when my partner and I were enjoying our evening dinner police arrived at the doorstep to arrest her and lay criminal assault charges. In spite of my insistence I was making no complaint nor statement to claim an assault had been made on me. This was not the outcome I wanted at all – the police only seem interested in gathering statistics for their own benefit.

Now I face the absurd and costly challenge of defending my partner in court for charges I have no wish to bring on her. The world has gone completely mad.