TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Oct152017

Jeff's personal story

I have been assaulted twice by my (ex) fiancee. The first time she managed to leave QLD before the Police were able to arrest her and I was advised she'd be arrested if she ever returned. The next time was in the ACT (where we live permanently). Despite the Police taking photos of bruising and scratching around my neck where she attempted to strangle me and despite being provided with a recording my 11 year old son took on his iPad, they refused to charge her because they felt they wouldn’t get a successful prosecution. What an absolute joke. I’m at my wits end. I had to lodge a complaint with the AFP Professional Standards Unit to get the Gungahlin Police to even accept the additional evidence I had in the first place. What more evidence do they need? No wonder men don’t report assaults as we’re just treated with contempt.

Thursday
Oct122017

Venkat's personal story

I am a victim of domestic violence and I should share my story here. We have been married for 5 years now and the violence started from day one. At first I thought it's common and we can work on the relationship to do better. Now I regret that decision I made - I should have left her before she got pregnant.

Now I have my daughter who is 3 years old and I am locked into a situation where I cannot leave my wife since I don't want a troubled childhood for my kid. She abuses me with vulgar words, scratches all over my body with her fingernails, drags me all around the house holding my hair. The worst part is sometimes she feels sorry for what she has done and as a man I feel sorry for her and just say to myself "let's carry on." It's all because of my angel daughter I am still surviving each and every day with a nightmare.

I am collecting all the evidence I can, and keeping it safe at the moment. I am expecting to survive this life for at least the next 3 years by which time my child should be able to understand the problems I face and I hope she will understand why I have to leave this relationship.

But nowadays I am having nightmares with no sleep at night as I am scared of her.

I am head of a region working outside my country and staying with my family. This gives me more difficulty since she always threatens to report to the police that I abuse her. She is ignorant about the consequences of issues like this in a foreign land where my whole career will be gone if I get charged with abuse in a foreign land.

I am dying every day and all my worries are about my daughter. I want her to be a great woman leader in the future. I don't know what to do and I want my daughter.

Friday
Oct062017

Pete's personal story

I am now 18 months since separation but her abuse lay in her ability to draw me back in with promises never fulfilled. Last Christmas I took a stand and I refused spending a night with her after her success at reuniting us the previous month. I took a personal stand against twelve long years of alcohol fuelled domestic violence and abuse which came in all textbook forms.

My brilliance and I guess ironically my downfall was at hiding her abuse from others. I have no witnesses. My own children feel too intimidated to come forward. She assaulted me with her parents in the very next room one night, splitting my head open before attempting to drive from our farm drunk. In trying to get the keys from her, I received a barrage of kicks through the car window and then she forced me to hide my blood stained face by climbing through a bedroom window. I then overheard the humiliation as she returned to her cheerful self, explaining to her mystified family that I had suddenly got tired and needed some sleep.

That is one of about fifteen assaults – always around summer time – always when she's had a skinful. In between I have dealt with economic and emotional abuse, social isolation, irrational and imagined jealousies and gas-lighting, where she would set me up in conflict with people ranging from her sons, to my own brothers and with complete strangers, sit back and watch the carnage and then deny ever having said a thing: building a protective wall around her violence by fabricating evidence that ‘Pete clearly has an anger issue’.

And why was last Christmas so important for me to be strong and make that final break? Because exactly twelve months before, she attempted – drunk beyond comprehension – to kill me in her car in front of our then seven year old son. A Christmas night ruined. Gifts damaged; our son screaming; the night punctuated by a punch to the back of my head: a king hit that would have had a man jailed within about an hour.

It takes time to recover. It takes time to sit back and take stock and after a year apart and the anniversaries of assaults and the overwhelming dread of being alone and realising that your behaviours are due to the trauma you have suffered, it finally dawns. Sadly the twelve month statute of limitations hinders any prosecution. Attempted murder and it was her lawyer gloating to me that the cops had given up before I finally asked them for an update. Their response: ‘oh, yeah? didn't we mention? Must have slipped our mind.’ Her lawyer has threatened me with an AVO and has demanded I make all communication through him. I refuse because it would give that ounce of credibility to her nonsense where there is none: I never hurt or threatened to hurt her or any family member. Or any person for that matter. Ever. The irony in being threatened with an AVO cuts deep. And it shames where there needs to be justice instead. Her lawyer quite hates me: well, he thinks he does. He's blinded by his well-funded heroism with a one-woman audience who knows how well he's being duped. Poor sod hasn't quite worked it out yet and so keeps advising her poorly.

And now she has withheld my son from me for eight long months and I am beside myself with grief for him. What will that first conversation look like? What do I say when he asks ‘where have you been?’

What protects me and him? Is it any coincidence that her two now adult sons from another man never saw their father during their lifetime? Is it any coincidence we only have her word that he needed lawful action taken against him? I raised those two men of hers. Homework. School fees. The sex talk. Scooping vomit, the drop punt and wrong-un (I even built their bloody bedrooms from scratch) and their thanks has come in the form of estrangement. Even in the face of their mother's irrational drunken madness, they show that their blood is still thicker.

She is now doing the same to my son. And there is nothing I can do.

Sunday
Sep242017

Mum flower's personal story

I will first start with my personal story regarding my 34yr old son. He is a big built kind hearted teddy bear type of person. Everyone loves him. She (his wife) is a small petite, soft spoken women when others are around.

His life before the violence. He was separated from his partner of 10 years and had his 2 children with him the whole time he was on his break. He was a FIFO worker and a loving doting father. He worked on the Mines, fully qualified and earning good income. He had 4 cars, house full of furniture, latest phone, plenty of money to enjoy life, and very close to his family and spent much time with them. There was never any abuse whatsoever.

My son now. My son got married 2 years ago, and now has 2 children to his present wife. His current wife has another 2 children from 2 different fathers from previous relationships. (4 children now in one government, 2 bed apartment). The bashing in the head, and the biting on his body started on their honeymoon. He is not allowed to work at all (has to look after the kids), not allowed a mobile phone, she controls his email. She sold everything he ever owned, sold all his cars and controls all the money. She has cut up all of his clothes too many times to mention. He is not allowed to have anything to do with his previous children (they are very disturbed and the eldest has been suicidal), not allowed to see his own family, gets bashed (punched in the head) stabbed with car keys all over his face and body, had a knife held to him and the list goes on. The police have been called on many occasions by her, and then they arrest him and take him away with all his scars, cuts, bleeding etc, TO PROTECT HER! He has been given move on orders, arrested, placed in a paddy wagon and locked up overnight. She has had restraining orders placed on him, then picks him up, while the restraining order is still on. She has called him back to the house, then called the police and said that he is there. She has had him charged with something (not sure what) and has never been injured by him. The court told him that if he even raises his voice to her, she can call them and he will be arrested and incarcerated until his court date. He doesn't call the police, is very scared of being arrested and placed in jail. She has made him grow a beard to hide the scars and a cap to hide the scars on his head. His body is covered. She made him tattoo her name over the name of his daughters name from his previous relationship. He has never harmed anyone in his life and has never had a police record.

Three days ago, it all happened again. Outside of his fathers house (the only person in the world he is allowed to visit) she made him crawl on the ground like a dog towards her, then said roll over like a dog, and then put out his paw (hand) and he said sorry, sorry, sorry! She filmed all of this on her phone. She then hopped in their hire car and almost ran over their 2 year old daughter as she took off in a hurry. My son's father was in the house and saw it through the window. He called the police, and guess what they said..........Sorry Mr .... you know that if we come out, we will arrest your son! His father took photos of his injuries.

This is not the son we know! He has been totally manipulated, controlled, and abused both mentally and physically for the past 2 years.

What do we do? I've taken him to the police about a year ago with bite marks all over his body, they took pictures. I've called the Child Protection Services, and they do nothing apart from check on them and listen to that soft still voice of his wife and believe all that she tells them. He has numerous hospital records of the beatings, stitches (she hit him on the head with a pan) and the list goes on. He does not tell the hospital staff that she did it as he is scared of repercussion. He needs help, but is so manipulated by her that he can't make decisions on his own and is fearful of her.

Nobody is listening and nobody believes us because he is a big built man, and she is a small built woman!

HELP!

Friday
Sep222017

Allan's personal story

I married young at just a few days beyond my 21st birthday. Our first child came along probably a bit sooner than my wife would have liked. From her birth onwards my eldest daughter was picked on and bullied on a daily basis by my wife. When she was about 10 we received a visit from the local authority Child Protection Officer after the school had reported bruising on my daughters neck (this was as a result of my wife having tried to throttle her before I got home from work). The Child Protection Officer's line of questioning obviously pointed to the assumption that I was the guilty party.

With that amount of abuse I felt that I had to defend my daughter. This occasionally led to me physically restraining my wife which then led, of course, to accusations of “wife beating”. I felt that I had to wear those accusations. She then left me for another man.

With my next wife (married 3 years later) I should have heeded the early warning signs. In the early stages of our relationship she went to the USA to visit her sister. While she was away I re-landscaped the garden from a basic building site to an attractive lawned area with flower beds. On her arrival back home she went out to look at the garden and started to berate me for doing things that were not to her liking (choice of plants, curvature of the beds). Her verbal abuse never let up the whole of the period that we were together. We were both officers in the RAF and I was senior to her but she constantly made put down references to the fact that she had been commissioned as a direct entrant whereas I had spent time in the ranks. She was very good with words and always liked to have the last one in any argument. When arguments got heated I could generally tell when the situation had gone too far and I would try and remove myself physically from the scene only to be met with “That's right. Run away like you always do”.

We split up and divorced about 10 years ago. The process of splitting up was not easy and huge problems were created by her over the split of assets. I eventually caved in to her demands just to stop the process. I sent her a quick email the other day politely informing her that our dog had just died aged 15 and that I would be grateful if she would not contact me about it. This was met with a 2 page email from her still trying to argue her points.

I have remarried and have been with my current wife for 8 years. It is a delight and we are totally equal partners. It has reaffirmed my faith in non-violent, non-abusive women. They are out there!