TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Nov122017

Friend of an Abused Man's personal story

I met M at a university party. He was a great guy, but a friend saw him first so I let it go – he was a nice guy to spend time with, and naturally gracious and kind – I respected him. He did seem to attract some unpleasant women. The “friend” ended up being pretty psycho to him and I was glad when they broke up. Saw him on and off over the years until both he and I had settled down with our respective partners. My husband and he were friends and encouraged a friendship between me and M's wife. It started OK, but pretty soon the lies started – I didn't know they were lies then.

Four years of friendship, she'd tell me how terrible M was to her – that he'd strangled her, that he was a terrible father, terrible husband, controlling of money, refused to be supportive, threatened her – everything she said made him out as a monster. It didn't seem like the man I'd met but I hadn't married him so I thought I must be mistaken. The things she said about M's mother were disgusting. When I met his mum, I couldn't believe we were talking about the same person. She is truly kind. Even now, knowing that there were lies about her son committing domestic violence she just says that she hopes M's wife gets some help to get better.

The separation seemed a blessing – what she'd said made it sound like she was a victim of merciless emotional abuse and control, it only took 3 months and all her lies crumbled. She'd been hitting him, emotionally abusing him – telling him he was no good, that she wished she hadn't married him, she'd been controlling the money, reading his emails and checking his phone, isolating him from friends, being hostile to his family, accusing him of cheating all the time when she was the one cheating and I was stupidly the one covering for her. For four years I'd believed her to be unsatisfied because he was a bad person and she was just too scared to leave. For four years I believed her because I couldn't imagine someone telling so many lies just to keep the person they were supposed to love isolated from the world and under their control. I feel like a noob now.

He's out now, free – almost, she still does her Jekyll and Hyde routine on him and keeps that contact because they have a young daughter. Their daughter is stuck in the middle of her abuse, and used against him, M's wife makes suicide threats to the daughter, tells her that the break up is daddy's fault. Tells her own daughter that I'm evil, and that relatives are evil – isolating her own daughter from love and support.

It makes me sick that we normalise degrading behaviour from women to men and get up in arms about it only when the sex is reversed. He's a good man and a kind person. He walked away from the house he bought and paid for so that his daughter could have a stable upbringing, because he still wanted the best for his wife. He doesn't attack his wife's character, he just wants her to get better, he thinks she's ill. I'm afraid for his daughter – that she's learning to hit and hurt like her mother does.

When they split up, he kept his dignity, his kindness and his honesty. He acted with warmth and love and concern. She spat hate, paranoia and vitriol. She had another man in his bed a month after he left. Until now I just hadn't believed that a woman could do this – I believed the victim could only ever be a woman. But we're all just people, and some people are not right in the head. It took me four years to see this. I've never been more ashamed of myself – to have helped that woman hurt such a good man by supporting her lies.

Sunday
Nov052017

Frederick's personal story

Right now, I am rent-sharing with my ex who cheated on me with my best mate. The day of the lease signing was when she cheated on me, and the day my former lease ran out is when she told me, and asked for a break to figure herself out. I said no, that I want a break-up, and am moving out as soon as I could (her brother was happy to take my place on the lease, thankfully).

Since the day of the break-up, I have been chased down the hallways and yelled at through the door. I have had gifts I bought her destroyed before my eyes. Whenever I asked for a bit of space, she'd begin yelling at me, saying I should stop being angry at her. That it was all my former friend's fault they slept together. That it is all my fault for wanting to leave. Whenever she really wanted to hurt me, she'd tell me to go and stay at my former mate's place.

Yesterday, it came to a head when she had blocked me into my room so she could yell at me. I was able to get past when she let go of the frame, but then she punched me in the back. I called the police, but by the time they arrived, she was out the front crying. The police at least believed me when I told them my side, and got her to stay with her parents until I could move out.

But I suppose at least I am able to get out.

Thursday
Nov022017

Tony's personal story

It all started when she moved in. A few months into our relationship, my partner had an altercation with her dad. They were always constantly fighting and arguing as they both feel the need to be ‘Alpha’. I didn't realise this at the start. One night I received a call from her in tears asking if she could stay over for one night, and me being open hearted and caring I said if course and picked her up. She manipulated her way into staying full time, then things started getting uncontrollably hard.

She would constantly manipulate me with ‘if you don't do that, I won't do this’. At the start I was blind. I really liked this girl so I would do anything for her. Then she started restricting my time with my friends and my weekly phone calls to my parents and started becoming violently possessive and would get angry and make it seem like it was my fault. At this point, she had already got my name on the lease and power bill, so I felt inclined to stay. The possessiveness became worse as she would constantly go through my phone, constantly accusing me of cheating. There were clear signs that I wasn't but she would just say it anyway. She stopped all contacts I had with close girls that I had as friends that I could call sisters, she would constantly text and ring me when I was not around and she got jealous if a girl even looked at me. She would go off at me and it would be my fault.

She was constantly putting me down and making me feel small, would say I don't work hard enough (apprentice), would make me come home after a hard day's work and cook and clean, go to the shops and just constantly manipulate me into being her ‘slave’. The abuse wasn't just from her, her father constantly abuses me as well and she just sits there, then says its normal and I just have to go with it. Every time I have tried to leave this relationship she threatens to kill herself, she hits my car, she hits me. I have run out of options and I am scared to tell anyone as no one believes that this sort of thing happens to men. It's emotionally draining and it feels like there is no way out.

Sunday
Oct292017

RJ's personal story

I have read everyone's stories and it has helped a lot! I've written out mine so many times but never submitted it. Well today I feel I need to share a minimal amount...

My wife is the abuser, in more aspects than one. We have been married for 4.5 years and her whole demeanour changed on our honeymoon. A totally different person than I had known during our 2 years of dating. I have had to see a psychologist this year and have been for over 6 months, to help me deal with everything that happens as well as learn ways to act or deal with constant put downs and belittling.

I had to leave home to make a point that things were getting out of hand and she was having outbursts in front of our son. I left for 2.5 weeks and I said that she had to seek help otherwise I would have to leave for good. She said she sought help and I believed her (as I always do) and trusted that things would get better, so I came back home. That was 3 weeks ago, and not a thing has changed.

I am at breaking point and my pastor at my church has known the situation for 3 years now and has helped me along the journey, but I'm just lost in what I should do? I feel I need to pack a suitcase and make the step of leaving and finding happiness & hope again, but I am confused at the same time. I hate that it all happens in front of our 22 month old son. I need to show him that the behaviour and the ways my wife controls everything and ways of manipulation aren't acceptable, but I find it hard to take that final step. I think of the mortgage, child custody, and all that other stuff... Just how do I get past it?

I can't come to a conclusion. I know this life with my wife is not healthy and very toxic. I know if I leave, my son has 2 loving homes rather than 1 toxic one! I want to stand up for myself and not be manipulated back into the situation I'm in... which has happened so many times. I'm constantly depressed & stressed & walking on eggshells, as I'm afraid of what could trigger her to have an episode or outburst. But no one should have to live like this. Keep me in prayers please!

Thursday
Oct262017

Gary's personal story

Thank you 1 in 3. Finally there is a dedicated group for all victims of Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence in all its forms. I am a victim of both DV and IPV, which is hard to admit for all the associated labels that male victims are tagged with.

I would like to add another category of violence to the list and that is Government Sanctioned Violence. There is no other way to describe the treatment that is dispensed by the Police, CSA, Family Law Court and Relationships Australia. Any male unfortunate enough to have been through divorce or separation or falsely accused of DV /IPV will understand once a couple, married or not have separated or claims of DV / IPV are made there is an army of government agencies at the disposal of the wife / female, all with one aim and that is to destroy the male. Like many others I have been subject to the violent nature of the people within these agencies who believe they are defending a poor defenceless female victim without giving any consideration to their own victim – the male. I have not gone into detail regarding my experiences with Government Sanctioned Violence. There’s no need, sadly the majority of men’s experiences will be the same.