TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Dec312009

Alan

I thought it was all my fault. My girlfriend is regularly emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me and I just can’t take any more. It has broken me down so much that I really don’t feel like I am worth anything or even care about myself. She tells me everything that is wrong is automatically my fault, I have to ask permission before I do anything, and if I do anything that she doesn’t like, she will make me pay. She regularly will start arguments with me when I try to go to sleep, telling me that I don’t talk to her and then she continually talks over the top of me and never lets me say anything. Once she gets started, it never stops, it always escalates.

She will yell at me late at night, sometimes for hours and I end up sleeping on the street and going to work on two hours sleep, she hits me or throws objects at me. She has tipped bottles of water over me when I am sitting down or lying down, pulled me out of bed when I am asleep, thrown food around the house and hit me with shoes or her fists. She used to take my glasses, phone and wallet off me and refuse to give them back. She threatens to ring my work and try to get me fired. The list just goes on.

I can’t take any more so now I just try and leave as soon as I see some of this coming, which is almost every night. If she sees me going she will stop me and stand in front of the door and hit me and grab me and refuse to let me go. If I do manage to get out, she often tries to bar the door and refuses to let me into the house. If I come back hours later to try and get a few hours sleep before going to work, she often assaults me again. And after all of this she tells me it is all my fault. Before I looked on the internet I didn’t think this sort of stuff happened to men, but I don’t know how to stop it and get away.

Twice I have left and both times she has threatened to call my job, my parents, the police, or threatened to harm herself if I don’t come back, and I have come back. But it is just getting worse. I don’t have any family or friends here to help me and I have nowhere else to go. It just feels like it will never end. If I tell her she is abusing me she just mocks me. I don’t know how to get away from her.

Monday
Dec282009

Peter

In the 1980s when I was working as a carer for severely handicapped men, four with cerebral palsy told they had been molested by a female staff member on her night shifts. These incidents involved fondling through to sexual intercourse. Two of the men told me they “enjoyed” the experience whilst the other two did not, with one of them claiming angrily and with tears he had been raped. It also turned out she had been taking sexually explicit photographs during the incidents. The latter man reported the incident which launched an brief internal investigation finding that the woman staffer had engaged in misconduct, but she admitted only to the photographs and was sacked from her job even though the men in question were adamant about the sexual molestation. The incident was hushed with no criminal conviction sought. Why this never drew a criminal investigation or made the newspapers bewilders me to this day.

Thursday
Dec032009

Steven

My girlfriend’s father was bipolar and committed suicide. Two siblings died of cystic fibrosis. She grew increasingly violent past age 40. Two women who ran the local safe house knew me and her. I taught one of their sons tennis. When I would restrain her she would get marks on her arm and say “we fought”.

A former partner of hers was asked to not bring her to parties because she would drink and get violent. She was wonderful most of the time - kind, sweet, loving, sexy - but she would “go off” unpredictably.

The last time she went off I didn’t restrain her (my mother was extremely abusive and if I didn’t let her hit and slap me, if I ducked, she would get my step-dad after me so I stuck it out with my mom and then with my girlfriend).

I taught self-defence, karate, lifted weights, was in police work but you can’t be on guard 24/7. I decided not to restrain her the last time and she gave me a black eye and split lip (I have had therapy since and understand why I accepted her violence). When the women from the safe house saw me, I explained what had happened. They were sure, because I am male, that I “must have had it coming”. It's a long story but I found a counsellor, a woman, who believed me - social services. Just luck because a lesbian feminist man-hater worked there and for her the guys were always wrong.

Depressed, suicidal, the counsellor told me to walk away for the sake of my two young children. I walked away. Today, happily married, for many years, I can’t believe I put up with it but like women who grew up with abuse and found an abuser, I did the same.

When the women at the safe house were confronted, I told them that if I had pushed her they would have reported me - cops, restraining orders and such - but her blows to my face meant nothing to them. Later one of the women was slapped by her mom. “There is no excuse for DV” didn’t apply to her mom. Her mom had mental health problems. Right. A man slaps and he is a DV perp. A woman does it and there is always an excuse.

Take care.

Saturday
Nov282009

Gary

Once when I was having a debate with my ex-wife she punched me in the nose and made it bleed. Another time, also during a debate she punched me with a closed fist and split my lip. Then on another occasion I was holding my 16 month old daughter on my hip and we were having a slightly tense discussion. She walked over and punched my baby daughter in the middle of the back, sending us both flying. It was a terrific blow. I fled the house with my daughter and looked for somewhere to stay, but all my friends were at work or on holidays. So I phoned an emergency refuge who literally laughed at my request for help, and proceded to tell me that the service was only for women. I tried another shelter without success. I had no money left and couldn’t afford accommodation, so I spent the night sleeping under a derelict building without blankets, and I held my daughter close to keep her warm. She cried for most of the night because she was afraid and hungry, and I could only give her water from a nearby tap. My daughter was traumatised and so was I (and we both still are). The next morning we returned home because we had no alternative. I later asked my wife why she punched our daughter and her answer was literally “because I knew that would upset you more than if I had hit you” and she apologised profusely.

At the moment she hit our daughter I knew instantly that the marriage must finish. I now have sole care of my two beautiful children after a court found her unfit to be a parent for a number of reasons.

Violence against men and their children is real.

Saturday
Nov282009

Paul

I’m a man and I was raped by a woman - my girlfriend.

She had a voracious sexual appetite, some would say a sex addiction, usually pressuring to have sex with me several times each day. At first I thought the intimacy was loving, but then soon came to feel she was using me as a toy. I would add that I’m not a wimp and don't get pushed around. I am also physically strong. But I would give in to her demands for sex because she would pressure, nag, and get hysterically aggressive when I said no. I just found it easier to give in and “fake” an orgasm so that she would finish quicker. 

One time I was suffering a life-threatening illness and had a raging temperature over 40 degrees, and I asked her to call an ambulance as I was having heart failure because of the high fever. My heart was pounding and missing beats. At that moment she started to touch my sweat-drenched body in a way that made it clear she was after sex. I was appalled she would attempt such a thing when I was so seriously ill. I said, ”No, please don’t, I’m extremely sick and can’t cope”. She insisted and kept touching and grabbing violently. I did not have the energy to stop her so I just lay there and let her get her rocks off. It was the most soul destroying, painful thing anyone has done to me. It was clearly rape. That night I managed to call an ambulance and was taken to hospital where I remained for a week to get better from pneumonia and heart failure complications.

I have told my story once to a group of three men. Two of those men told of a first hand experience they had of sexual violence by a woman. One thing we agreed on, we would never tell authorities because they wouldn’t believe us and we would be laughed at.