TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Sep182015

Len's personal story

I got married in 1986. Immediately, the control started. I was told I had to give up playing football or the marriage was off. Her family had put her up to this one and she dutifully carried out the ultimatum.

Next was that all forms of drinking or socialising with other males was banned. Resisting this control, occasionally I would arrive home after having a few drinks with work colleagues. No, I'm not a drunk or alcoholic. This would occur maybe one or twice a year at most. The result was always a hysterical session of verbal abuse accompanied by kicks, wild punches and objects being thrown. On one occasion she locked me out of the house and I had to sleep in the freezing cold in a car.

I was also denied any access to money and if any friends of mine showed up at our house she would lock herself in the bedroom and refuse to talk to them.

Fast forward to 2000. We've had 3 kids. I tell her I've had enough and want to separate. Truth is, I wanted freedom to go out and enjoy the company of good, kind, sane, rational women. She thinks I'm kidding. I tell her in no unqualified terms that I'm serious. She also gets evidence that I'm seeing another woman.

Suddenly, I arrive home 2 days later and there's a police car waiting for me. Two burly police officers (who were very polite and professional, I have no issues with them) serve me with an interim DVO evicting me from the house I was paying the mortgage on. All this humiliation right in front of the neighbours. The basis for the interim DVO? A statutory declaration from my ex-wife outlining how I was a "controlling" male who had beaten her and broken her wrist. She'd had a feminazi friend coach her on how to construct the narrative. My ex wife would often take all of the intimate affairs of our marriage to this interfering pig and between the two of them, they could always come up with a version of events that made me responsible for everything.

So I'm made homeless. What resources of the State or support is available to me? Nothing. But unlike other men who consent "without admissions" to DVO orders, I'm not going to cop it laying down. It outraged me that a person who had initiated 100% of the violence in our relationship and had been "controlling" from day 1 was now saying no, no, no, it wasn't me - that's actually him. What a manipulative sociopath. I organise a place to stay and a Barrister to represent me in a couple of days.

I contested the case and WON. Despite being made homeless and offered no support, in comparison she turned up with a free legal aid lawyer and some domestic violence support worker as her "comforter". This stranger was apparently allowed to sit in and hear a court case that was closed to the public.

Her story unraveled so badly in the witness box, even her own lawyer said, well, okay, we can't prove he's a physical abuser - but he is a verbal abuser. That didn't stick either, fortunately. And totally unprompted, during her own evidence she confessed things I had forgotten about!!! (I'm still angry at myself for not remembering). Like having kicked me up the arse really hard when I turned my back on her, then running off shrieking with laughter. And spitting in my face. Of course I could recall the kicks to the testicles and the mad flailing of her arms at me when arriving home after having had a few. I also recalled the mad swing at me with a vacuum head that left me with a permanent lump on my forearm. And the torrents of vile abuse. Fortunately I had an independent witness to it. A bloke who drove me home from work on one occasion. We were too late for her liking. She thumped at his window, scared the hell out of him and screamed "F**K OFF" when he told her how she'd frightened him.

So, I defeat her application for a DVO. Does this individual give up on the lies? NO. Because at the same time I was served with the interim DVO, I file a Family Court application for contact orders with my kids to overrule it. And that was ultimately heard 3 days after the failed DVO attempt. She filed an affidavit repeating the same discredited lies again, to defeat me seeing my kids. My Barrister dealt with it well, stood up and told the Judicial Registrar that the DVO application had been dismissed and the Magistrate had remarked that the only order he would have made was one against my ex wife, however no cross application for such orders had been filed so he had no jurisdiction. Like a lot of men, I didn't file a cross application for fear of being seen as a "sook" or "weak". I regret that seriously now.

The Judicial Registrar gave me all the contact orders I applied for and some - he expanded it to telephone contact as well.

My message to all Men:

1. Stand up to any false, malicious court applications made against you. Don't get talked into taking the easy way out.

2. If your female partner is abusing you, make an application to protect yourself. Everyone has the right to live a life free from violence.

3. Don't get sucked into these White Ribbon Days. I've read the material on their website. It trivialises women's violence against men and excuses it when it occurs due to the "power imbalance". If it's NEVER acceptable for a man to hit a woman, it's NEVER acceptable for women to hit men. Why are men targeted to swear oaths never to commit domestic violence? I'll swear 100 oaths when women are called upon to do it also.

4. There are good women out there. I did something I swore I'd never do - I got remarried. She is a wonderful, kind, intelligent woman who allows me to have my own life, independence, friends and judgement on what I will or won't do. I could have a lot of reasons to hate women and the "system" but I refused to let my ex wife have that power over me. I choose to live life happily and I know this bothers her more than anything else I could do.

Friday
Sep112015

Brendon's personal story

Like all of you, I have been a victim of domestic violence. And like most all of you I was lead to believe it was all my fault.

I was in a relationship (engaged to be married) to a woman who became one of my best friends for several years before engaging into a relationship with her. She had me convinced she was a funny, smart, easy-going and relaxed, so I fell in love with this side of her.

In the 8 months we were together, we got engaged after just 3 months and found out she was pregnant shortly after. Now I know what you're all thinking "oh this guy couldn't handle a hormonal pregnant women" but I assure you the issues and the violence against me was far from 'just hormones'.

My ex fiance would enter complete raging "tantrums" at the slightest ill-doing, being verbally abusive, and on several occasions physically abusive, throwing all sorts of manner at me, including remote controls, pillows, magazines, books, fists, practically anything that was within reach of her. She became extremely controlling, taking over my personal affairs such as my email, Facebook, and even my online banking account. She would log on to my Facebook, pretending to be me and abuse my friends for the apparent reason that they posted something she didn't like, or they were female friends of mine and we had some sort of chat history. She would check my online bank account daily, check text messages and phone calls on my phone. I couldn't even do the things I loved, surfing and fishing, for the pure reason that I was alone and I might be up to something else. This became so bad the only things I was allowed to do by myself was go to work and go to the local shops within an allocated time frame (often 15 minutes or less and it took at least 5 minutes one way to get to the shop from our house). If I forgot something, I was told I was useless, and I would be a pathetic father to our unborn daughter, I felt about the size of fly scat more often than not.

I wasn't allowed to see my family, or friends as I was told if I did she would leave and take our daughter away to where I couldn't find them. Everything was a threat, everything became an ultimatum of if I did this or that she would beat me, or leave with our daughter, or in some cases she would kill me, and she would describe in great detail how she would do so too. I became terrified of my life, she was so unpredictable I was scared to go home to her.

We'd argued no less then 2 or 3 times per week, often more, about all sorts of things, the majority of them seemed insignificant to me, but to her they were the most important things in the World, she was always right even when she was so evidently wrong.

The mental effects of this constant belittling and abuse was overwhelming to the degree it affected my work performance, my relationships with my family and friends. It got to the point my team leader just had to say something, to give me a card with the phone number of a psychiatrist on it and told me to call them. He could see where I was heading, he could see the dark place I was going and probably wouldn't return from.

After seeing the psychiatrist several times I had my plan, I had to leave, no matter how hard it would be to 'abandon' my daughter, I just had to go. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and blamed to the point suicide seemed an easier option than leaving. I felt so isolated, I couldn't talk to anyone, not my family, not my friends, otherwise she'd know, and God help me what she would've done if she found out I was talking to them about her and our personal life.

I owe my life to making that one phone call, to reaching out and gaining an understanding that violence against men IS NOT O.K. and that you CAN talk to someone, even if you do what I did and saw them during work hours. I never knew violence against men was so common, and knowing now how scary the facts are. If there is one thing I take away from this experience it is that IT IS O.K. to tell someone, if your mates make fun of you, tell someone else, don't give up, there are people who care, and never feel isolated, as so many of us go through it at some stage of our lives.

Sunday
Aug022015

Lilly's personal story

I have a friend that I care a lot about who is a victim of domestic violence. For years he had been ringing me and telling little bits about what she had been doing to him. At first I said what have you been doing for her to get so angry but as time passed and he told me more about her violence and controlling behaviour I told him to get out of the relationship.

Everyone in his life was telling him to leave her. Eventually after five years they broke up and that is when he confided in me the truth about what she had been doing to him. For nearly their whole relationship she had been verbally, emotionally and physically abusing him. This included using the most vile language and degrading names at him, telling him and her work mates constantly that he was useless and no good and that he was the abusive one. Physically she hit, punched, slapped, threw things and eventually drove her car into him. On this occasion he called the police and they believed him that she did it. Unfortunately he did not agree to press charges as they have never believed him in the past and he did not want her to get into trouble.

His life has been a nightmare for years. He is back with her again and I firmly believe that one day she will kill him. she is a psychopath and I believe that she did the same thing to her ex husband. I hope he finds the courage and gets help to enable him to leave but I don't think he ever will. He knows that the relationship is a disaster but he can not bring himself to leave. She has brainwashed him into believing that he loves her and that he is totally useless and worthless.

How do you help someone that just does not seem to want help as they can not see their future on their own before they are well enough to have a relationship with someone who truly cares and would treat him well. To my friend please please get strong enough to leave. You deserve so much better. Take care

Saturday
Aug012015

Tom

I was recently removed from my home by the police, having done nothing wrong. According to the Safety Notice they issued me, I had been blocked in a room by the AFM. “The AFM has stood in front of the doorway and bloked (sic) the Resp form leaving as he did not wish to talk about it and wanted to go to bed. The AFM has refused to move from the doorway so the Resp has shoved the AFM out of the way.... The AFM has no injuries as a result… The AFM stating that she is fearful of the Resp and what he may do. Nil property damage, nil signs of any assault nil injuries.”

What actually happened is fairly different. I had been castigated for about 20-30 minutes. I kept moving from room to room, asking her to leave me alone, telling her that I was tired and didn't want to talk. There's no point in arguing back. She shut the door and put her full body weight up against it and continued to call me every name under the sun. I took that for about 10 minutes, constantly asking her to “please leave me alone”. She refused, saying she wouldn't let me go until I understood her point of view. I told her she was restricting my movement, and to let me go. She wouldn't move so I pulled the door in to escape, moving her in the process. She punched me in the back. She then called the police. I said nothing to the police, as I had no idea what I was being accused of.

The police escorted me to the station in the back of a paddy wagon. After an hour, they served me with a family Safety Notice which prevented me from going within 200m of my home or within 5 metres of her. This prevented me from going to my Aged Care course, as she also attended the TAFE.

With all my money tied up in her, I had no money for temporary accommodation so I purchased a tent and sleeping bag from Big W for $30. Being winter, it wasn't really adequate to keep me warm or dry. It was argued down to an “undertaking” in court, but I was still homeless.

I borrowed money and a car and moved back to SA to where my family and friends are. I had moved to VIC to help the AFM recover from her addiction to Ice, as her family was in VIC and she needed to get away from her dealers. She essentially used the police to get her own way.

When under police escort to remove my belongings, she had her whole family there to help me pack the car. Her little brothers and sisters were there. I found this odd, as wasn't I meant to be some kind of dangerous person? What kind of person that fears for their safety locks themselves in a room with me, refusing to let me leave? Why is it that the police require no evidence to remove a man from his home?

Monday
Jun012015

Sean

Back in the 90's I was seeing a girl after high school in what was my first real relationship. After a year or so I began to notice strange behaviour, like staying out all night without letting anyone know, doing drugs secretly and so forth.

I soon started to hear talk of her infidelity on repeated occasions, people blaming it on her work in hospitality and my being on the road as a professional musician for a few days a week. One night I decided to calmly broach the subject while we were sitting alone after a friend's party up the street. She immediately began coming on to me, hot and heavy and said she'd make me forget all about it. I refused her advances as I wanted to know where we stood. She flipped out (this was a regular occurrence if I refused her advances) and ran outside. I foolishly followed her into the street. Unable to find her I began to worry. I was then bathed in the glow of her car headlights as she started the car, and proceeded to run into me, damaging both of my knees and my back. We split up not long afterwards as the truth came to light about how extensive her cheating and drug use was.

To this day I still have trouble sleeping and walking due to the physical pain of my injuries.