TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Jun082018

Craig's personal story

I think men should be told the truth about the family court right from the start. That truth being that the court will never rule in favour of shared parenting 50/50 if there is no ‘co-parenting relationship’.

People within the court system informed me and my abuser of this fact. My abuser must have already known this because for 2 years we had been having a 50/50 shared care arrangement, however for the 12 months leading up to her ‘withholding’ the children, she disengaged and would not communicate with me about anything. I would send regular email updates - doing my bit of the ‘co-parenting’. When she was ready she just withheld the children. Then with a few lies and eyelid flutters, she successfully ripped the children's and my life apart.

I had 50/50 from when the youngest was 7 months old to just over 3 years of age - then wallop - only every second weekend. She gets rewarded for her bad behaviour by getting a pay-rise. I am crushed emotionally and financially. I've gone from being a happy and functioning father who was also modelling a work ethic, to a shell of a broken man. People say ‘just get over it’. Yeah right.

The so-called ‘family consultants’ within the court system are a disgrace and should be sacked for their bias. I believe many of them would have blood on their hands. When I see adverts/posters around the place that champion the importance of fathers I feel sick to my core knowing that fathers are not valued at all.

I told my story to who ever would listen. Backing up my claims with hard evidence of my abusers behaviour towards me and the children. My abuser just made sweeping claims that were lies and of course could never be substantiated. My story (and that of my children's) was just swept off the table. NO ONE CARED! Now my children are primarily living with a person who has a significant and profound mental health affliction. My children are showing signs of separation anxiety and I am broken.

The agenda outweighs the logic. Its all about the women/mothers getting everything and who cares what happens to the fathers and children. I know if I kept on trying all that would happen is that I would become homeless through wasting what I have left on a futile battle against a monster who is supported by the state in her abuse.

To all you guys out there - give up now and walk away before its too late. The lawyers work out between them how much money you have and then tailor their program to what they think they can siphon from your veins. If you have sons, please advise them against ever having children.

Sunday
Jun032018

Nguyen's personal story

I was threatened with an AVO (that can be given without any judgement by police). I was threatened both physically (with knife attacks) and verbally (with a gun to kill me and my family, abusive languages, cursing, insulting me and my family) and even my job (with an AVO).

That affects my job. I had to sign a paper to commit not to come into my own house. I was kicked out of my house.

The first violent incident happened after we had prepareded dinner. We argued then she threw all my food into the trash bin. Shen then grabbed my necklace and pulled my head down until the necklace was broken. I was under stress and started being defensive.

In 2008, she threatened me that she would suicide. I had done nothing (either verbally or physically). She disappeared and I had to run countless times around the campus and housing apartments of my university at night to find her. She used knives to attack and threaten me. However, people living around us never knew what happened to me. They never saw what I suffered on my body (countless scratches and psoriasis as a sign of being over-stressed) but only hers and her crying after the incidents.

If I do not follow her, she would take the kids and leave me or threaten me with an AVO to take my kids away. I need to go to work to pay our mortgage and raise our kids and I can't afford either the time or the emotion to do everything myself (she left for 2 months from Mar 12 to May 09 until I did the above to satisfy her requests).

I am homeless just outside my house (sleeping this winter in my car parking on the street), just to be close to my kids. If I do anything, she can do the above and take the kids and leave me. I can't afford that emotionally.

I am a professor at the number one university in NSW!

Thursday
May312018

Joe's personal story

It's two years on now since my arrest and eviction from what I thought was my last ever home belonging to my ex-GF of ten years. We had met as teens in the seventies and I lost my virginity to her, whilst we were members of the infamous “Byron Bay Love Guru” in Goulburn, NSW.

She had told me of her recent past history of sexual violence towards her, even then. "Ali-stah" deliberately broke us up, so he could take her as his 11th wife after I was booted out. We bumped into each other a few times throughout the eighties, but she joined another cult, the “Moonies” whilst I became a security guard/private investigator and JP.

In Oct 2014 we met again by chance and attempted to start a relationship, but for the past 17 years she had suffered horrendous systematic domestic violence from her husband, who had also terrorised her 3 daughters to him, including a severely disabled one. But, with her previous sexual and physical violence history and my physical disabilities from 20 years of brutal security work, we remained platonic after 3 months for the next 10 years.

The first time she physically attacked me, “sucker shoved” me, was the direct result of her husband causing her trouble. Once he became aware of my continued presence in both his estranged ex-wife's and daughters' lives he sunk to every low level of false accusation he could think of. Help for these calculating cunning conniving lies was non-existent in NSW, then as now.

For the next 10 years, she and I fought and argued verbally - name calling - but she always initiated the physical violence whenever she couldn't get her own way. I was also a former victim of my own abusive alcoholic father's systematic DV up until high school in the 70's and I watched and learnt how my passive-aggressive/provocateur mother would nightly “bait” him, into first verbal then physical fighting for over a decade.

I would get in between Mum and Dad and take many of the blows, scratches and kicks meant for each other. But Dad didn't start beating in upon me until Mum kept insisting that I call “the Big Burley Boys in Blue Serge” down upon him. Dad saw it as “siding with your Mother” and Betrayal. NSW Police KNEW all about it for all those years and did NOTHING.

So, I learnt first hand what causes DV. Exact SAME story in my ex-GF. In October of 2014, after moving away from Sydney to the Mid North Coast with ALL I ever owned, she had me arrested by the brave men and women of NSW Police who mocked and ridiculed my physical disabilities and chronic illness and I was evicted, found “guilty” in my enforced absence from court, fined and a 10 year criminal record (my first) as a “DV perpetrator”. Any/all respect I once had for NSW Police I worked alongside/with, is gone.

Sunday
May272018

Steve's personal story

Good Day.

Where to start?

I married my 2nd wife in 2005 after a miserable and abusive 1st marriage. I was certain that this new woman would never speak down to me or hurt me in any way. Boy was I wrong. The abuse started and I did not even recognise it.

Within the 1st year of marriage I lost my job and had a hard time finding gainful employment in my field. I took myself back to school and did whatever I could to contribute to the household bills. That is when her drinking increased and the words of anger and just downright rude and mean started. Then my family was excluded from virtually anything we were accustomed to. Her mother moved in because she could not afford her bills so we decided to help her for 6 months which turned into 7 years.

In those 7 years her drinking got worse now that she had someone to drink with all the time. The 1st physical assault was witnessed by her mother while my 7 year old son was asleep upstairs, I would have left that night if it would not have been for my son sleeping. Her own mother even tried to stop her. She said that she was sorry and it would never happen again.

The next time after a verbal argument I handed her my wedding ring and said I cannot do this, and she threw it across the street and told me to leave “her” house. Me being stubborn refused to leave the home that we purchased together, so I stayed like a fool.

The next time occurred after I was not home drinking with her, I was 2 houses away and just got back from a 4 wheeler ride with my friend and he saw my dog running up the street and my ex-wife was in tow she entered his driveway came right up to me took a swing at my head and kicked me in the balls. When I went home that night she once again came after me at the door. I slept in the shed.

Another time she came after me and I slept in my truck parked in the back of our property.

I was assaulted again in 2012 about 2 months after shoulder surgery and I tried to restrain her and when I say restrain I sincerely mean restrain her. Her mother came down and saw we restraining her daughter and called the police. Subsequently I was arrested and charged with simple assault. However I was the one with cuts and bruises all over my face. The charges were later dismissed. We talked and both firmly believed that with the presence of her mother and her overstaying her welcome, remember it was supposed to be 6 months it was over 6 years that our relationship is suffering because we could not get the quality time alone that a couple needs. We agreed to tell her mother that she needs to move out gave her 30 days and about 45 days she left only to return inside of 30 days. She was there another 60 days and I have had enough I told her mother that she has another week to be gone when I return from my trip if she is not I will be changing the locks on the house. From that point on it got even worse. Maybe I didn’t realise that the mother ran interference for me.

Now that she was gone her drinking increased her insecurities worsened and the verbal and physical assaults became more frequent and more violent. She even said to me after the last assault that she does not know why she does what she does to me, because if it weren’t for me we would not have the beautiful house a brand new car luxury vacations and everything that goes along with a well over 6 figure income provides.

This is when it gets really good.

We go on our 2nd vacation to Aruba with another couple and our 2nd night there my clothes end up in the hall of the resort and locked out of the room that is actually a friend of mine. At the end of the trip she once again gets combative and abusive and even throws a beverage on me. I told her that I agree with her that this relationship is toxic and we shouldn’t be together and when we get home we should split. Thanksgiving week 2014 I had a multi-level spinal fusion. I was recovering well at home with no issues. In January 2015 I was watching the playoff football Saturday night game the Steelers VS? she came out of the bedroom after being passed out for 3 hours and attacked me. Keep in mind that I am in a removable body cast and cannot lift over 5 pounds and no bending at the waist. Somehow I thwarted her attack and got away from her and retreated to an upstairs bedroom and barricaded myself in another room. I assessed my injuries and contacted the police. They came to the house and I am being interrogated by them and made to feel like I was the aggressor as I am bleeding from the lips and have scratches all over my face. They finally arrest and charge her and I file a TRO. I had the locks on my home changed and went to court for the charges against her and all they did was read them on to record that night. Some time passed and we spoke I dropped the TRO and criminal charges. In February she came after me again. Once again I file a TRO and she convinces me to drop it so it will not affect her nursing license.

In September 2015 she is upset with me because I had to go to work on my day off and I had a few doctor’s appointments scheduled due to re-injuring my back and am looking at a strong possibility of a 3rd back surgery. She started getting enraged and argumentative and I said look I need to go before I get the shit kicked out of me again and walked out the door. As I was getting to my car she came flying out the door and attempted to enter my car as I try and drive off she picks up handfuls of driveway stones and goes to throw them at my brand new car. I managed to escape unharmed. Immediately my phone starts ringing, now that I am safe I said THAT'S IT I AM DONE I WAN'T A DIVORCE I WILL NEVER LET ANYONE COME AT ME IN AN AGGRESSIVE MANNER EVER AGAIN!! Later that day she texts me and says we need to talk. I said I am at the doctor’s and there is nothing to talk about. I said I will be coming by with the police to get some personal belongings she said that just let her know when I am coming and she will leave so we did not have to involve the police. So I packed everything I could into my car that I could and left. I came back the next day to get more. The following week I got the rest of my stuff that I could fit into my truck and what I couldn’t I locked in my outdoor detached garage and let her know when I would be back for them. Another week came and I got most of my stuff from the garage. A few days later she really had the balls to text me and ask where did we go wrong? Seriously I did not want to respond. So I put it all out there and let her know. A few more weeks go by and I texted her to let her know that I was coming for the rest go my belongings in the garage. She did not respond and I went there with 2 others to retrieve what was left. When I was finished I texted her to let her know that I got the rest and have no need to come back, but if she comes across anything of mine to please put it all aside for me and I will get it at a later date. I still have not heard from her.

I file for divorce in October and she never responds to the summons. I go to court in February to get it finalised since she never responded and I get served with a TRO from October for criminal mischief for removing my belongings from the garage. My divorce was granted uncontested and returned a week later and the TRO was dismissed because it did meet the definition of criminal mischief as defined by the State Of NJ. As I am leaving the courtroom her mother jumps in my face and states that this isn’t over you mother fucker. I said to the judge do I really have to be harassed in your courtroom by her mother. He said Mr. May you are not being harassed just leave.

In short to recap what I can remember I was assaulted 20 times over 10 years and not sure if I felt more victimised by her or the police and the court system. Keep in mind she filed a TRO in October and I didn’t get served until February.

There are few resources for men and the police and courts really need some sensitivity training for dealing with male victims of DV. There is nowhere to go in Southern New Jersey for men for help or advice. I would really like to start something here for men.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you want more information.

Sunday
Mar252018

Jarrad's personal story

The first time was at a wedding, a friend of her she hated. She got drunk, and I left with our son because he was tired and young. He slept while I kept the car running for hours in the carpark to keep him warm and safe. When she returned, drunk, she tried to kill us, all three of us, drive us off the road. I called her mum to come get her from the side of the road… I should have called the police.

The next time, she came home in the middle of the night, spent all our savings on another hair cut. She attacked me so bad I had blood covering my legs and a chemical burn to my face. She called the police, and she was taken away. I never should have let her come back.

The next is a list I am sure isn't uncommon: smashed electrics, smashed doors, smashed kitchenware, plates, bowls, phones, cars, hysterical attacks, I even made a safe house in my own home. I dunno what I was thinking, save my marriage, protect my son.

I am over 15 thousand in legal debts, two VRO's, one night in a holding cell (for sending an SMS) and more debt because when I was made homeless after the police accused me of being violent they took away my right to enter my house, and my right to see my son, just like that.

It has been six months. Tomorrow I get to see my boy for the first time since January 14th. I even missed his third birthday. I am still the criminal, I have to have a woman, a woman I have to pay for, follow me around, just for two hours with my son. I am on a plan with my lawyer, and this protection, and in debt to try and buy all the normal things, like a bed, they took from me, for nothing. I spend over 70% of my income on legal, protection, and debt. Then I have to find child support, then I am supposed to eat somehow…

And the reason I came to tell you my story. It is never too late! I would do anything for my son. I will go bankrupt, I will work 2 jobs, I would even do something immoral to get this money. There is hope, keep your heads up, take photos, take videos, take action.

If you don't, the court will make you fight just to be a father, and a free man. While she gets child support, legal aid, Centrelink, and everyones support.

I have the photos, I have the witnesses, I even have her on record threatening to kill my son, she said it to a cop. I have proof she tried to kill herself as a sole parent, the only one looking after my son. The cops walked in on her doing it… She still has my boy, the court still keeps him away from me, hides her address, wont even let me show you pictures of my own son. He has missed Kindy 3, and now Kindy 4, and I have no say in this.

The evidence means nothing but keep records, keep your head up, and get out because every step you don't take, is ten more you will have to take in the end. When you get your day to prove it, it will be the sweetest day. Mine is still months away, but tomorrow, I get to see my son and I get to live in safety, without violence, threats, and financial stress. I get a warm bed, and a safe place.

Respect, anyone who lives through this, respect.