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If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Nov262017

Janine's personal story

My son lived for 13 years with a woman he met as a very young man. The relationship had issues because his partner had been abused as a child and lived in a family where violence was normal. He survived as long as he did in this relationship by living his own separate life whilst still with her. He was promoted at work and moved offshore. She did not want to go. Being away from her gave him the courage to finally leave her. Once the separation was finally settled he announced on Facebook that he and his partner were no longer together.

Within days he was contacted by a woman his age. A NZer living in Melbourne. They met and found that they had grown up in the same area. Things moved quickly. He brought her home to meet us pre Christmas 5 years ago now. She spent the first hour of our meeting telling us what an amazing family she had and how she loved them but did not spend more than a couple of hours with them on this trip home. A few weeks later our son came home to NZ for Christmas while she stayed and partied with friends in Australia.

The phone calls were worrying. He would be enjoying time with this nieces and nephews then his phone would ring and his mood would change. Eventually after a few of these calls he cut his trip home short and returned to Melbourne and waited at her flat for her to return. Within weeks of Christmas she became pregnant. Her family greeted this news with suspicion and we were confused. They lost the baby but she became pregnant again very quickly. They came home together a few months before the baby was born. During that visit there appeared to be a breakdown in the relationship between the woman and her family. Our son claimed the family were saying nasty things about his partner and whispering behind closed doors about them. They did not come back to NZ the next Christmas claiming the child was too young to travel. We had visited when the child was born and found things were more than a little strained.

Each time we visited we were told increasingly horrific stories about this woman's past relationship with both her family and other partners. Story that indicated that she was the subject of continued abuse in all those relationships. When the child was 13 months old they came home again this time to go on a Christmas holiday with our entire family. This is the first time we saw the degree of abusive, rough and threatening behaviour on her part towards both my son and our grandchild. We were shocked. In the February following that holiday our son called to say she had lashed out and punched him in the head whilst he was holding the baby, both he and the baby had bruises on their faces. He had left the house and was calling me whilst driving towards a work colleague's home where he intended to stay.

My advice to him now seems so stupid. I told him to go back to stay and ensure that the baby was safe. I went to Melbourne and tried to get him some legal help. All the advice indicated that he would struggle to get the courts to believe he was the one being abused. That with her history of convincing people that she was the victim it was likely that he would be blamed. I spoke with her family here in NZ who confirmed for the first time that this woman had a significant illness, that yes as a child her birth mother and partner had abused her, but that she had finally been rescued by her father and stepmother and had lived with them since she was 9 years old without any abuse in that family whatsoever.

My son decided to go back to the relationship as his partner agreed to counselling. She never went, then suddenly they were having another child. After the second child things became much worse, she attacked our son with knives, locked the little one outside for punishment, and was rough with the new baby. No one was allowed to have anything to do with the new baby including our son. Bit by bit over this time she alienated our son from firstly her family and his own. We tricked her into coming back to NZ this last Christmas and forced her into psychiatric care. Eventually they went back to Melbourne where she has all but completely shut his family out of his life.

I am currently the only one he still talks to. He understands and I agree with him that if he was to just GET OUT he would have to leave the kids behind at least initially. Even if he got 50% custody the kids would need to spend 50% of their life with an abusive parent without the second parent there to rescue them if things got really bad. So he stays. The most difficult part of all this is how this woman behaves outside this relationship, she is so convincing to other people about how loving and caring she is when in reality our son does all the work with the children. Our biggest fear is that she will kill him or the kids before they can safely get away.

Thursday
Nov232017

Chris' personal story

I was the frog that got caught in the pot of water. I met my ex wife through mutual friends and our romance bloomed, probably a bit too quickly. Within three months I had moved in with her and her three kids from a previous marriage. My love for her was immense and I enjoyed spending time with her. As our relationship progressed, dark clouds started to appear on the horizon. I was very intimate about my past, feelings and hopes for the future. She never seemed to reciprocate and was quite sketchy about her past, and failed relationships/marriage. What she did mention about her past marriage quite evidently later was a lie.

We progressed as a couple and we eventually took the plunge and decided to build a house together. After this we had our own son together and we eventually married within 4 years. Once we settled down in the new house things took a change for the worse. I was constantly accused of cheating. She would be constantly checking my phone, emails & wallet. One instance she confronted me about an SMS from a fellow female coworker. The SMS was about time what we would meet on site. She took this as hookup time. Nothing I said or do could get convince her otherwise. She went into a rage that built and built. I eventually went to bed and she later that night shook me awake screaming in my ears my name. Later the next morning she woke like nothing happened.

She would start arguments over trivial things that went round in circles and I seemed I could not solve. Issues from the past constantly came up and it was like fighting the past. She would never open up intimately about her feelings and whenever I tried to about mine I was swatted away and told to deal with them. I kept on trying to sweep them under the carpet, trying to look for the wife that I married but it seemed like I was throwing life down a well with a big crack down below.

I travel quite a bit with my work, and it became apparent she was starting to alienate me from my son. I would ring in the evening and would ask to speak to him. She would say he was asleep, but I could hear him in the background, or she would simply say that he would not want to speak to me. The arguments continued through the relationship and she would say she would get better, but she never did. I felt that I was ignored and I was just a passenger in the family. No matter what I did the goalposts seemed to change daily.

We returned from a recent family vacation to the US and without any warning she asked for a separation. It all seemed odd and and after a bit of investigation it was revealed that she had been having an affair with a co-worker for the last 7 months. On discovery that I had found out, her hostility to me increased. My self worth was destroyed, and she made out our relationship to be fit and of my imagination. The gaslighting, projection and lies were horrendous. It became quickly evident she had begun a smear campaign against me with close friends and family. I was lucky that I had the evidence I needed to prove otherwise. This further enraged her and the emotional abuse and threats of physical abuse increased.

Since separation she has done everything in her power to financially and emotionally control me. It seemed like and still feel like she wants to hold on to cause more pain. My mother in law in passing one day smirked and casually said to me "don't mess with a borderline" and she walked off. I have great friends and family, but this is the most traumatic ordeal I have faced.

Sunday
Nov192017

Peter's personal story

I think you'll find that domestic violence is 50/50 so it's really 1 in 2 not 1 in 3. In all of my relationships with women, I have been regularly abused. That is why I'm not in one now and haven't been for many years. I gave up because my experience has taught me that women are clever, manipulative, violent and so so selfish. One girlfriend was probably bipolar because she was lovely one minute and the next she'd be punching the shit out of me and jumping on me and trying to kill me. Another girlfriend was probably Obsessive Compulsive cause she'd put everything in its special place and scream at me and hit me if forgot where every household item lived. She used to change the special places every 3 weeks, so that made it hard for me to remember. Both of these girls were abused by their mothers and suffered severe anxiety. Both had been extremely sexually permissive and reckless and used drugs as a part of that. Until you stop women's violence towards their children none of the domestic problems will be solved.
Thursday
Nov162017

Jack's personal story

I have been psychologically tortured for the past 3 years by my ex-partner. I was a high ranking bikie, she was a prostitute. We formed a friendship then fell in love and started dating. She quit working in the brothel and moved in with me. Soon she became pregnant with my gorgeous daughter. Then she suffered post-natal depression and was also a sufferer of BPD, OCD and numerous other mental health issues and wasn't taking her medication because it would pass on to my daughter via breast feeding. That's when the girl of my dreams became a living nightmare.

She would often smash my house up and throw my stuff out in the front yard. I told her to take her meds and went back to sleep then got woken up by police dragging me out of bed at gunpoint claiming I had assaulted my partner and newborn baby which was a false statement leading to a police investigation. I was charged with assault, stalking and intimidation and an AVO was placed on me for 12 months banning me from going to my own house and seeing my daughter.

I thought they were still residing in my house and I never went to check because I would be in breach of the AVO, but little did I know she had moved out and took all my belongings including all my furniture and a $15,000 coin collection I had inherited. She had been renting my house illegally to someone else.

I hadn't seen or heard from her for 12 months when I got a phone call asking to meet so I could see my daughter. Having not seen her for a year I was excited to see my daughter so I met with them for lunch. I recall her asking what had I done the weekend before. I replied “nothing just had a quiet one and stayed home,” then a couple of days afterwards the police came around and placed another AVO on me claiming that on the day I "had a quiet one and stayed home," I was standing out the front of my ex's house doing burnouts on my bike and making throat cutting motions to her.

She had planned this extremely well. The police believed her, the courts believed her, my own father even believed her. He's since apologised to me. But the damage was done. Cost me thousands in legal fees to fight it but because I was a bikie and 3 times the size of her they all believed her story. I had taken this woman in out of the goodness of my heart and she turned around and for a reason only she will ever know ruined my life and my daughter's life through 3 years of pathological lies.

It took me 2 years for the family court to locate her because she was renting a house in a fake name and every time the court went to serve a summons on her she would tell them she didn't know me and her boyfriend at the time was my daughter's father, then they would move house again. I finally got her to court and started seeing my daughter twice a week for 2 hours. I was delighted as I could finally spend some time with my daughter. After a few visits we clicked and became father and daughter again. Then we went back to court and my ex lied to them again and said that my daughter is scared of me and won't bond with me, despite me having numerous videos and photos to prove otherwise. The judge believed her lies again and granted a 3 month adjournment so we could have supervised visits at the family relationships Australia centre.

Now she has run off with my daughter again and I have to start from scratch all over again. So frustrating. I had planned on leaving the MC and joining the army but due to the false claims made to police I now have a criminal record and won't be accepted. She knew quite well that I wouldn't have her charged with making false claims to the police because it's against the bikie code to make statements, and besides it wouldn't be a good look for a bikie or his club to be charging a woman with assaulting him. What would that have done for our reputation as fearless bikies? The local paper would have it front page for sure. So for 3 years I have just copped it on the chin, but now its biting me in the arse when I'm the victim.

Sunday
Nov122017

Friend of an Abused Man's personal story

I met M at a university party. He was a great guy, but a friend saw him first so I let it go – he was a nice guy to spend time with, and naturally gracious and kind – I respected him. He did seem to attract some unpleasant women. The “friend” ended up being pretty psycho to him and I was glad when they broke up. Saw him on and off over the years until both he and I had settled down with our respective partners. My husband and he were friends and encouraged a friendship between me and M's wife. It started OK, but pretty soon the lies started – I didn't know they were lies then.

Four years of friendship, she'd tell me how terrible M was to her – that he'd strangled her, that he was a terrible father, terrible husband, controlling of money, refused to be supportive, threatened her – everything she said made him out as a monster. It didn't seem like the man I'd met but I hadn't married him so I thought I must be mistaken. The things she said about M's mother were disgusting. When I met his mum, I couldn't believe we were talking about the same person. She is truly kind. Even now, knowing that there were lies about her son committing domestic violence she just says that she hopes M's wife gets some help to get better.

The separation seemed a blessing – what she'd said made it sound like she was a victim of merciless emotional abuse and control, it only took 3 months and all her lies crumbled. She'd been hitting him, emotionally abusing him – telling him he was no good, that she wished she hadn't married him, she'd been controlling the money, reading his emails and checking his phone, isolating him from friends, being hostile to his family, accusing him of cheating all the time when she was the one cheating and I was stupidly the one covering for her. For four years I'd believed her to be unsatisfied because he was a bad person and she was just too scared to leave. For four years I believed her because I couldn't imagine someone telling so many lies just to keep the person they were supposed to love isolated from the world and under their control. I feel like a noob now.

He's out now, free – almost, she still does her Jekyll and Hyde routine on him and keeps that contact because they have a young daughter. Their daughter is stuck in the middle of her abuse, and used against him, M's wife makes suicide threats to the daughter, tells her that the break up is daddy's fault. Tells her own daughter that I'm evil, and that relatives are evil – isolating her own daughter from love and support.

It makes me sick that we normalise degrading behaviour from women to men and get up in arms about it only when the sex is reversed. He's a good man and a kind person. He walked away from the house he bought and paid for so that his daughter could have a stable upbringing, because he still wanted the best for his wife. He doesn't attack his wife's character, he just wants her to get better, he thinks she's ill. I'm afraid for his daughter – that she's learning to hit and hurt like her mother does.

When they split up, he kept his dignity, his kindness and his honesty. He acted with warmth and love and concern. She spat hate, paranoia and vitriol. She had another man in his bed a month after he left. Until now I just hadn't believed that a woman could do this – I believed the victim could only ever be a woman. But we're all just people, and some people are not right in the head. It took me four years to see this. I've never been more ashamed of myself – to have helped that woman hurt such a good man by supporting her lies.