TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Dec232016

Fred's personal story

Where do I start?............ My story begins as a child, observing, witnessing and occasionally interjecting as my parents fought, argued and abused each other over money, jobs, family, friends and beliefs, all whilst the "family" was shipped around the country.

My father's self-destructing behaviour saw him dragged away by police in front of us and imprisoned on fraud changes on at least two occasions. My mother fought hard to hold the family together, often living below the poverty line, whilst fighting her own demons of abusive and alcoholic parents. Her "Faith" as a Roman Catholic seemed to be her saving grace, though was also one of the catalysts for her on-going acceptance and endurance of her (and her children's) traumatic existence and unstable life and marriage.

As an adolescent, I vowed that I would not end up in a violent relationship such as my parents and that I would find my Life-partner and Best Friend, marry her, and travel life's journey as each other's champion. I have always been a lover, rather than a fighter.

The pact I made seemed to come to fruition, as I met "the girl of my dreams" as a teenager. We dated through high school and I was going to marry her! But, for many reasons, we chose to have a break for a short time. We never got back together. I dated different girls over the following years, until I met my wife 25 years ago.

From the beginning, there were signs of abusive and unwarranted behaviour from my her. My friends (and family) warned me that all was not right in our relationship, but, as an "all knowing and stubborn" young man, I knew better. Even on the day of our wedding, my mother asked me, "Are you sure?".......... right then I knew the answer, but did not have the heart or courage to answer her honestly, or myself....

FEAR, and a lack of confidence and self-worth, have controlled my life and been the determining factor in many decisions, and my relationship with my wife and marriage are living proof of this. The abuse started as random outbursts, and seemed to coincide with her monthly cycle, so I waved off the emotional and irrational behaviour and verbal abuse as "that time of the month".

I should have left the relationship the first time she slapped me, in front of our friends inside a nightclub, all because I told her that I was going out with my mates the following night. I was shocked and hurt, but defended her actions. Or when her father slapped me in the face because I asked for her parent's permission to go on a Pacific Holiday with her when we were 20. The signs were there, but I did not have the courage to leave, and I had been conditioned from my childhood experiences that you forgive and forget.

So today, 25 years later, we have three beautiful children, who are being taught what a relationship is, what a marriage represents, how to relate and communicate with others, and that verbal and emotional abuse and putdowns are all part of life.................. shame on me!!!! I have contributed to the on-going cycle that I was subject to as a child. I am passing on the baton of abuse and I am contributing to my children's blue-print of life and relationships, and I do not have the courage the break it!

Right now, as I write, I feel an over-whelming guilt and sense of helplessness. I know my relationship is wrong, I know that things need to change, but I cannot find the line...... the line that gets crossed that finally makes you say "enough is enough!"

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, but I have looked for answers. I have tried to ignore the attacks, I have defended myself (both verbally and physically), I have turned my back on family, friends and work colleagues, anything to try and stem the on-going trauma. I have slept more nights in either my car or on the couch than my own bed. I have been to counsellors and professionals, the police have been to our house. I have contemplated suicide on more than one occasion, and I have wished and prayed that one or both of us would have a fatal accident and die, just to find sanctuary and peace.

On the outside, I am this fun-loving, caring happy-go-lucky guy that loves people and life........... but every night when I turn into my street and approach my house, a sense of depression and helplessness surfaces. My guard is up, and the unknown conflict inside the house is about to be revealed. The ridiculous thing about all of this is that I do care about my wife, that we do have an active sex life, that I do not want to hurt her and that I worry about why she is the way she is, and why she is so sad within herself? And what have I done so wrong to her to make her act the way she does? What have our children done to deserve the life they have at home? ........... The answer is?

I do not make my wife abusive and unstable, she does! Yes, I contribute to the situation, but I do not control her. Unfortunately, she does not control herself either. I have fought the symptom for years, but have not addressed the illness, or discovered the cure. I know this and write this, but how do I address it? For my sake, my children's sake, and for my wife's sake?

Something needs to change, and there lies my issue, it will take action.........but I am scared. Overcome my fear, and I begin to break the cycle. It sounds easy from the outside, but if you are reading this, you know it does not come easily. And I, like you all, have something to fight for......... some peace, some resolution, and our families.

Friday
Dec162016

Paul's personal story

Well I will start by admitting that my wife is a chronic alcoholic and has been for many many years. As the Man of the house I was and am expected by peers to be able to control the violence that takes place. It was not until I began attending Al-Anon that I learnt I could not control her drinking but that is another story.

On with the violence, why do I put up with it and not fight back? Simply because I will never hit or abuse a female under any circumstance!!!

Reading through the stories here I acknowledge and understand that the legal system is not geared towards abuse towards men, in fact they wish to deny the possibility and treat it as a too hard basket. I too hear of the incidents where a man "defends" himself from the wife or partner's violent physical attack and gets arrested for assault on the female. It is unfortunate that when she is sober she is a complete angel but bring alcohol into the equation then things change dramatically. I have a few options to follow,

MOVE OUT!? Ok where is a man to go to find accommodation and besides, I have paid for the home that we share as a marital residence. I have not caused this so why the heck should I move out? Who is going to give or lease a home to a single male? I also have a 20 something YO daughter who lives in the home, It is not her fault, she works part time and can not afford to get her own place. Why would I need to vacate the home and leave her to fend for herself, pay the bills, she can not afford it.

Call the Police? Been there done that and have been through the court system. She has every right to live here, it is the marital home. Bouts of destruction of both the home and MY property result in her return by the court system.

Now to the abuse, Her activities whilst heavily intoxicated range from a cold shoulder to anger and physical violence with everything in between. Denial of intimacy although this has not been a problem with fellow alcoholics and drug abusers behind my back. Fortunately that was in the past, as far as I know but I still have to accept that it did occur. Enter the Mental Health system or should I say the lack of it. Need I go any further with that waste of taxpayers money. Regular appointments for her, when they don't cancel them has done nothing.

So on the supporting carers pension for her perceived depression I can not afford to engage legal professionals to rule in her favour giving her some 50% of the assets. And no doubt instructing me to move out.

So I continue to absorb this abuse and violence as I am a man after all.

Thanks for reading.

Thursday
Dec082016

Mark's personal story

I loved my ex wife. She hit me at times during our marriage including beating me when I was driving and king hitting me in the face. She held a sharp knife and threatened to kill herself and my 3 children. She has threatened to kill my children several times.

In court in 2009 she admitted to leaving my 3 year old daughter, 5 year old son and 7 year old son at home by themselves all day and let them use the microwave and use knives. My ex wife said that in her culture it is acceptable to neglect children. The magistrate ignored the neglect and let her have the kids.

When my ex wife hit me or verbally abused me she would call the police and have me forcibly removed from my house. After several bouts of this the police told me if they came again they'd put a restraining order on me from seeing my children. I had to leave the state to protect my children.

There is a lack of justice in the justice department. I asked for all the school holidays with my children and the magistrate ruled that friendships are more important than spending time with parents. I only have partial holidays. When I moved interstate I got phone calls from local police with reports that I was going to kill myself. I feel threatened by the police even though I am innocent.

The legal system is unfair. I can't afford legal service, yet my ex wife is married, living with her husband and getting free legal aid, based on her single parent status from Centrelink.

Friday
Nov252016

Patrick's personal story

Good afternoon, my name is Sherlyn and I am submitting this story on behalf of my cousin. I came across your site literally trying to cope with the death of my cousin Patrick. He was stabbed by his girlfriend in the heart and died in the hospital 11/13/16.

He had expressed to my mother and his mother of being woken up by her dashing a bucket of water in his face while sleeping to find her over him with a knife. So the signs were there.

The last time I saw my cousin was May 2016, it had been about 2 years. He lived in California and I live in Nevada. So it was a nice surprise. He was in such distressed state and told me he was so upset he got a call that same day to find out she destroyed his car. I really cannot say why he stayed in such a toxic relationship.

I am writing this to see if there are any resources I can advise my aunt and family of to help with his funeral services or anything for his children that are now fatherless. I have set him up a go fund me account because that is the only thing I could think of.

More people need to be made aware that men are victims of domestic violence and are ultimately killed. My heart is broken and our family is really lost. Please any insight to help us is appreciated. The link to the go fund me is listed below. Thanks kindly for taking the time out to read this.

https://www.gofundme.com/patrick-s-longsworth-memorial

Thursday
Nov172016

M's personal story

I was abused by my now ex wife, physically many times and verbally continuously. I should have left after the first time it was physical but I guess I made excuses of it being a one off, to this day I'm ashamed I didn't. I still have the photos of my purple bruised chest after she had the second episode, again why I didn't leave is beyond me. She said if I ever did the same she'd have an AVO out on me, why I felt I couldn't do the same thing I guess is cultural. She would have been right to do so if I ever did but why couldn't I? The third time ended the marriage in my head, not that I escaped it all because I couldn't talk about what had happened to me so I guess I suffered in silence.

At the end in the last hope attempts via counselling I again was made to feel like it was nothing by the counsellor. She brushed it off as something that was a nothing, Made it sound as though I had been abused as a child for not being able to get over it. That is my last attempt at counselling, that one person has turned me off it for good.

To this day my ex still tries to control me knowing i'll never tell anyone about her indiscretions. Maybe I just should.