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When Words Rape and Beat Spouses

It's amazing looking back how things change in your mind, how things you normalise you eventually accept were anything but normal. I guess I should start off with saying that I'm Andy, I'm nearly 34 and for 23 years I suffered a combination of pshychological abuse from family members that started out at the age of 6, being sexually assaulted on a high school camp on the verge of turning 16 that my high school covered up and where I was intimidated into silencce, and an 18 month long ordeal of domestic violence and serial rape.

It's the last of these I want to touch on with this article, to try and show people a side to domestic violence and rape in this electronic age which they've probably never even considered. Heck, it might even seem an anathema to most people.

It was late 2006. I'd met this girl Sarah. We had issues but things were going ok. Then something came up to cause me to act in an atypically sensitive manner. At that point I figured I had to come clean, even though I wasn't ready, so I fessed up - I was a survivor of child abuse [actually the psychological abuse from family members was still ongoing if I was going to be accurate]. Unfortunately the recception I got was far from compassionate. Though she wasn't callous about it, she didn't believe me. I was gutted and wounded, I made an excuse to leave and when I got home, I called her and told her I needed to think. After a week of no contact, I broke up with her. That was on a Friday. The following Wednesday she died in a head-on car crash.

I was a mess, lonely and trying to fill the void. At this time I'd moved to a new city for university and didn't know anyone so chatrooms filled the void.

It was there that I met Kristy. She lived interstate from me, but we hit it off, and things were great, we actually spent the whole first night talking and before I knew it, it was morning.

Anyway she sent me her pic, and to be honest, I goofed after putting pressure on myself. To say my response was clumsy was an understatement. After a period of apologising and reassuring her, I thought things were ok.

However things started to change. To be honest, so much of it is a blur in terms of the order it happened, like an 18 month long nightmare. We were both poor university students, yet I was expected to pay for my phone bills and her phone bills. Initially this meant burning through prepaid phone credit over the space of a few months, so I decided to go on a mobile phone plan. The first month of the plan I take full responsibility for going over on to the tune of $800, so I upgraded to a plan which allowed for $1200 worth of calls a month. However she soon managed to make sure I was in debt $600 a month on phone calls, this time emotionally blackmailing me into staying on the phone longer than I could afford to, or accusing me of being cheap.

This financial abuse extended into the area of presents, where I was constantly told how cheap I was and how I didn't really love her. On top of the phone debts, I was expected to spend over $100 on gifts for her when either birthdays, Valentine's Day of Christmas came up- on a student wage that was only roughly $200 a week. Meanwhile, besides the first birthday I had when we were together, I received no Valentines Day present, no Christmas present and had I not demanded a birthday present, I doubt I would have gotten it either. Forced into debt, I was forced to work, soon at the cost of university, to try and avoid bankruptcy due to her financial control.

The finances were the least of it though. Early on in our relationship, I got porn spam with a nondescript subject line and when I clicked on it, there was a picture there. Between clicking on the email, realising what it was and then closing it, it would have been no more than 10 seconds, but because of that, I was forbidden from watching anything that even implied sex may have taken place or where a woman was in bed with exposed shoulders. At the same time she constantly sent nude pics of herself to other guys.

At the same time I was told who I could and couldn't talk to and at the slightest mention of something even remotely inappropriate by anyone, even if it was a facebook share that everyone on someone's list got, I was forbidden from speaking to them. Meanwhile she'd emotionally blackmail me into not only letting me flirt with other guys, but have cyber-sex with them, playing on her supposed case of social phobia.

There's far worse, which I'll get to shortly, but I want to deal with the elephant in the room which I imagine people must be asking themselves even now.

Why did I stay? Why didn't I just walk away leave? It's not like she was close by so how on earth could she stop me from leaving right?

The truth is that she knew how to control me and looking back, within a few months of being with her, I didn't know which way was up where she was concerned.

I'm sure part of it was the vulnerable state I was in from the aftermath of Sarah's death, but she knew how to press my buttons. On one hand she knew just how to wound me and what to say to really wound me hard in the right spots to do damage. Not even the child abuse I endured was off the table for her to use as a weapon. On the other hand, she played on her physical beauty - telling me not only that I was lucky to have her but that noone else could ever want me (I'm incredibly lucky that my fiance has proven that a lie). However there were also just enough "good days" to leave you suspended in false hope that things will get better - but they never do. But that false hope and your love for them is enough to trap you into staying where the fear fails to trap you. When someone presses the right buttons whilst repeating something as toxic as that, it's amazing what you'll believe after a while and the perpetual state of fear they'll leave you in.

I'm now coming to the worst of it. I got really good at, at least trying, to think how I worded something with her. Because if I worded something even slightly wrongly, I'd be punished with one psychological weapon or another.

However this leads me to the worst of it. Part of this was where the psychological abuse went sexually. She'd constantly make me come up with these increasingly violent and sadistic fantasies to voice over the phone as we had phone sex, where I'd be constantly told it "wasn't hot enough" and it "make it hotter". When I told her I didn't like it, I was told that she was doing it all for me. To make things worse, this wasn't in isolation from my "punishment". Often it would lead straight into this from my punishment where the psychological blows she'd use would have left me paralysed and then I'd be terrified into capitulation. When that failed, she'd finish the job with emasculating me by telling me I was more of a girl than she was and then dealing more blows to finish the job. Worse still was where she'd make me do voices of other guys and be sexual with her whilst making me self-denigrate.

Contrary to all conventional definitions of rape, I was raped by her and she never even had to lay a hand on me. I may not have been penetrated or enveloped by her, but the serial sexual violation and the psychological scars she left from it are far worse than those from when I was sexually assaulted on a school camp when I was 16.

The only reason I got out was that she pushed things too far one time by telling me she'd only stop if I agreed that not only was she the most beautiful woman in the world, but that I was the most hideous man in the world.

When I refused to do the later, she finally struck something core enough that it knocked me to my senses and I walked away whilst telling her that while she was physically beautiful, that her beauty was only skin deep and that she was a truly ugly person and that people would only want her for one thing. It wasn't my finest hour by any stretch of the imagination.

She kept trying to call me to convince me to take her back, and I foolishly relented. However it was only so she could end things on her terms.



I'm currently working in Mental Health and have a degree in Psychology. I too have been the victim of domestic violence. In short I have had contact with DV Connect (QLD) who asked me, "what did you do to deserve that" and "are you scary to look at". I've also been in court defending an AVO unfounded, though when my ex-partner admitted to punching me, breaking a plate over my head and throwing full cans of drink at my head the magistrate suggested, "ohh she wont do that again you have separated". We have a 10 month old son that I need to pick up 3 times a cost in court $5000. I've also had the QLD Police Service tell me to "grow some balls" when asking for help to collect my son. Family Relationship Centres also have not one brochure that is available for men suffering Domestic Violence.

Just as a side note I issued a DVO on my ex partner for various physical assaults etc and the constant emotional and psychological abuse. She is now suggesting that I can only access my son if I come to the door alone, even after her initial DVO stating that I was controlling, jealous abusive and she felt threatened by me. The outcome is that the temporary order I sought was rejected as the magistrate believes it was not necessary that we meet in a public place so as to facilitate handover. Hoping that someone will see some sense and the truth will come out. So at this stage I'm now left with the option of going to the front door alone and risking another barrage of abuse or as she has done previously issue another DVO on me, or not seeing my little boy.



I'm a victim of D.V and also immigration fraud. I married a violent and abusive woman overseas. She was a con artist and had done a good research about Temporary Partner Visa in Australian immigration law which says one of the provisions when the relationship has broken down during the 2 years temporary visa is being a victim of D.V. When she arrived to Australia, it only took 3 months for me to find out she has just used me to move to Australia and she hates me. When I decided to divorce her, she was already aware that she has to leave Australia in 28 days as the visa sponsor has withdrawn his sponsorship. She started a disgusting game, false allegations of D.V and even rape for staying in Australia!! She went to police and lied to them and you know the rest of story, full support of police and authority, free legal aid etc. While I was the victim of D.V, while I am an Australian citizen and the police and authorities income is from the tax I pay and she is a foreigner, she had everything for free and I was financially harassed by them. She physically, emotionally, financially and psychologically abused me.

I wrote a letter to the minister for immigration and citizenship and as you can guess, the answer was blah blah blah, all bull****. Please let the other men know how the law is anti-men.



My previous relationship was extremely violent. She hit me with objects particularly whilst I was asleep. On too many a frequent occasion I woke up to be hit with objects ranging from brooms to pots and tools. On one particular occasion I woke up to the sound of a belt sander that was only inches from my face.

I was evidently unhappy and scared for my safety in this relationship with my ex-girlfriend. She picked up this notion and threatened to kill me and herself if I were to leave her. One evening whilst driving home from a friends place she grabbed the steering wheel and directed the car into oncoming traffic. It was at this point I began taking the steps to leave.

I was staying at a friends place. After I had left her when the worst incident occurred. I woke to her in the house and myself on fire. She had poured kerosene on me and lit me alight. I suffered third degree burns to my face and chest, second degree burns to my genitals and hands. It has required many surgeries to regain mobility and function as well as looking remotely human again. I obviously pressed charges.

During this time I was myself charged with Assault and Rape. She had falsely accused me of unthinkable acts in an attempt to either reduce her sentence or get off completely and hurt me more. I was fortunate that many of my female friends that were friends with her during our relationship managed to get her to admit to the false allegations and testified in court.

When the case was completed she received a commuted sentence. Which means that in 5 months time, she has completely ruined my life, disfigured me and destroyed me as a man, and gotten away with it.



My father started raping me when I was 4 years old. I remember having a nightmare one night and asked to sleep with daddy. I was beyond scared. This is where the molestation began. Dad anally raped me and that was only the beginning of 17 years of sexual abuse and rape. Several other people started to rape me when I started kindergarten. I started at that age to get horrible bruises because the rape was so brutal. My father said I looked so sexy covered from head to toe in bruises and that made him more violent with me. I spent most of my childhood suicidal and wanted to end it all. But in reality all I really wanted to have end was my rape.

I hit puberty when I was 9 years old and that excited my father to no end. He became more brutal with me than before. The only reason why I cooperated and kept going back was to stay alive. During the times I was suicidal, my molesters decided to threaten to kill my family instead of me. It was a constant battle every day of my childhood. Every day for 17 years I was molested. I wished I were an ugly child so no one would want me anymore. I even attempted to cut off my penis once. I thought if I got rid of it then they wouldn't want me anymore. The razorblade just hurt too much and forced me to stop hurting myself.

I started drinking when I was 16 years old. I slept with men for beer money. I would always get drunk. Now I'm trying to clean up my life, break away from the alcohol addiction and come to terms with my abuse. But it's not easy to come to terms with 17 years of child sexual abuse. But I am in therapy and really feel so much trust with my therapist.