TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Friday
Apr302010

Michael

The emotional and psychological abuse started from the first day I moved in with my partner, as she was pregnant with our daughter I tried to fool myself that hormonal changes were responsible, however, it soon became apparent that lack of the ability to trust, an eating disorder with all of its underlying causes, and childhood emotional abandonment from her Mother were at the root of it. After I was badly physically abused on one occasion I arranged Family Counselling through the Courts in our home town in N.Z., however, this did not benefit her. I asked her to go to Violence Counselling, only to find later that the sessions she attended were for victims of Domestic Violence.

Most of the violence was emotional, for days on end she refused to speak, leaving me isolated within the relationship, constantly putting me down, never wishing to engage socially on any level. Whenever we went anywhere together, the slightest thing would see her belittling me publicly. When our wee girl was born I gained employment as a Counsellor, but the emotional abuse continued, and along with poor treatment from my employer, saw me having a breakdown. I took the employer to mediation, where they settled out of court, and moved the family to Australia, which had been an intention anyway, because I believed that my partner would benefit emotionally from being close to her family, that this would in some way help heal her family rifts, and as a consequence she would start to begin her own healing process. I also wanted our daughter to have the benefit of having Grandparents available to her, as my own parents had passed away some years before.

My partner's choice in Australia was that I become the primary care-giver, while she worked in her chosen profession. I had become quite numb by this time, but I believed that this new start would see improvement, but nothing changed. My partner's constant isolation of me saw me withdraw more and more, the more I tried to get her to see what it was doing to us, the more emotional abuse I received. I cried, I yelled, I sent her to counselling, I couldn't sleep or eat properly. I would be up all night just wandering around the house with my head in my hands, spinning out. All of this time, she would be telling work mates that it was me who was violent. Eventually, my daughter was to suffer a bout of her anger, and I told her to leave. A few days later, I agreed that she could return on the grounds that she both attend counselling again and confront her work mates with the truth, that it had been she who was the perpetrator, and not me. By this time, however, I was at the stage where I was completely numb. I looked after my daughter's needs totally, but whenever my partner was home I retreated to the computer, just zoning out, trying to stay out of harm's way.

I came to witness her mother's continued abandonment of her, when she would drive long distances for weekend workshops, and not even ring or drop in to see her granddaughter; when my partner had her 40th birthday, and did not even get a call from her; when she babysat our little girl for one night, and when we came home at 10.30, to find that our daughter was wandering the house while she had gone to bed at 8pm, before our daughter was asleep. These things reinforced for me why my partner could not trust anyone, when the one person she she should have been able to rely upon since childhood, had never been there for her. The stories of having to look after herself as a wee child, of having to be the parent to her siblings from an early age, started to make sense to me. I had two people on my hands, one the responsible professional in her work, and the broken and hurt child at home. I could not help or compete with her mindset, and confronting those issues with a professional counsellor was too scary for her. I now understood why she had an eating disorder, trying to fill the enormous hole inside herself left by her mother's absence, then feeling guilty, as if somehow it was her own fault, that she was intrinsically unloveable.

Throughout the relationship, I have had the responsibility for arranging educational and medical needs for our daughter, housing and moving, all financial affairs, arranged holidays, creating a home, and making sure all of our needs were met. My partner's absolute inability to trust anyone, her constant belief that I would leave with our daughter and go to N.Z., her belief that I don't care about her or love her, were totally unfounded. If I had wanted to leave, I could have done so on countless occasions, I could have been in N.Z. before she got home from work. I stayed because at the deepest part of me, I could not believe that she wouldn't, or didn't want to change, and within my heart, however I tried, my love for her still existed. My partner's continual need for positive reinforcement while only giving me negatives drained me, until there was nothing left in me to give. I am now nearing 61 years of age, and after eight years of this treatment from her I feel totally broken, lost, and the me I once knew has disappeared from sight.

It must be hundreds of times that I have heard her say, "I am sorry, I realise what I have been doing, you don't deserve it and I will change," only to see her do exactly the same to me the next day again. It seems so long since I have felt any kind of safety, of belonging. We are in an Australian country town now, where we have been for almost two years, and the abuse just continued until she left at the beginning of February 2010. I still have primary custody of our daughter, however, she still continues to tell all and sundry that she is the victim of the abuse. Still, my partner tries to control everything, leaving me with all of the family related responsibilities, financially, educationally, while making out to all that I am responsible.

I now feel at the end of the line, crushed, defeated, with nowhere left to turn.

Monday
Apr052010

Royston

I have a long history of being a victim of domestic violence and still suffer from the consequences. My ex was found guilty of 150 breaches of the intervention order I have against her. She got off with a good behaviour bond. Then she was found guilty of criminal damage and got off with another good behaviour bond. She re-directed, opened and withheld my mail for two weeks, was found guilty (by Australia Post investigations) of three federal acts, but the DPP refused to charge her.

She breached the intervention order another 80 times and was charged by police with stalking. She commissioned a man (who pretended to be an off-duty police officer) to assault me. He was found guilty of assault. Two years later she got a 2-year jail sentence for the Stalking charge but it was suspended for 3 years. She swore a false rape statement to police, but no charges were laid. She admitted making the allegation then offered to withdraw it if I dropped the stalking case against her.

Although knowingly making a false statement to police is a criminal offense, Victoria police have been instructed not to prosecute women for knowingly making false rape allegations. Eventually she was declared a vexatious litigant under the new Victorian Family Violence Protection Act.

She has destroyed my career and my relationship with our younger daughter. Despite Family Court Orders giving me 40% residency, she has prevented me having any contact with her for the last 6 years, and the child exhibits advanced stage of parental alienation syndrome. At every stage the police and courts have given her the benefit of the doubt, except when I have produced overwhelming concrete evidence.

She has not spend a single night in custody, paid a dollar in fines or done a moments community work order. Despite receiving $940,000 in our divorce settlement, had had massive handouts from government. She has also prevented me from receiving any government pension by falsely telling Centrelink that I own a block of 21 apartments.

I am happy to provide evidence of all of the above should you require. I have only told you a fraction of what she did to me. She has a permanent "get out of jail free" card!

Friday
Jan292010

Aunt M

I was with my nephew last night and didn’t get home until quite late. His wife has taken a DVO out against him, he is very down and I am quite worried about him.

Apparently he has been a victim of domestic violence throughout his marriage, she used to hit him with baseball bats, kick and hit him all the time. She has had affairs and is now living with the new man, it was all a bit much for him and he pushed her again.

Horrible situation, just giving him some backing and non judgemental support at the moment.

Thank-you for finding these websites, I have read with interest about what is obviously a very silent problem.

The sad part with D... is that we all saw him change from a happy, light-hearted practical-joking young man to a withdrawn, very unhappy person. It was often commented on at family get togethers, but never really questioned the radical change that occurred over the 16 years of his marriage.

Never thought that anything like that was happening, we all knew that his wife was moody, clingy and emotional and just put it down to that.

I so wish now that I had gone on instincts and asked, I often used to say to him that if he ever needed anybody to talk to I was there, but I didn’t understand the depth of his unhappiness and situation. It is so easy to just think it can’t be that bad!!

I really want to be able to help now, help him find the courage to get passed the hurt, guilt and embarrassment, he’s only talked to my niece and me about everything and that was last night.

Please use what you think will be useful and thank-you for listening and caring, it has been great to be able to share with someone.

Thursday
Dec312009

Alan

I thought it was all my fault. My girlfriend is regularly emotionally and psychologically abusive towards me and I just can’t take any more. It has broken me down so much that I really don’t feel like I am worth anything or even care about myself. She tells me everything that is wrong is automatically my fault, I have to ask permission before I do anything, and if I do anything that she doesn’t like, she will make me pay. She regularly will start arguments with me when I try to go to sleep, telling me that I don’t talk to her and then she continually talks over the top of me and never lets me say anything. Once she gets started, it never stops, it always escalates.

She will yell at me late at night, sometimes for hours and I end up sleeping on the street and going to work on two hours sleep, she hits me or throws objects at me. She has tipped bottles of water over me when I am sitting down or lying down, pulled me out of bed when I am asleep, thrown food around the house and hit me with shoes or her fists. She used to take my glasses, phone and wallet off me and refuse to give them back. She threatens to ring my work and try to get me fired. The list just goes on.

I can’t take any more so now I just try and leave as soon as I see some of this coming, which is almost every night. If she sees me going she will stop me and stand in front of the door and hit me and grab me and refuse to let me go. If I do manage to get out, she often tries to bar the door and refuses to let me into the house. If I come back hours later to try and get a few hours sleep before going to work, she often assaults me again. And after all of this she tells me it is all my fault. Before I looked on the internet I didn’t think this sort of stuff happened to men, but I don’t know how to stop it and get away.

Twice I have left and both times she has threatened to call my job, my parents, the police, or threatened to harm herself if I don’t come back, and I have come back. But it is just getting worse. I don’t have any family or friends here to help me and I have nowhere else to go. It just feels like it will never end. If I tell her she is abusing me she just mocks me. I don’t know how to get away from her.

Monday
Dec282009

Peter

In the 1980s when I was working as a carer for severely handicapped men, four with cerebral palsy told they had been molested by a female staff member on her night shifts. These incidents involved fondling through to sexual intercourse. Two of the men told me they “enjoyed” the experience whilst the other two did not, with one of them claiming angrily and with tears he had been raped. It also turned out she had been taking sexually explicit photographs during the incidents. The latter man reported the incident which launched an brief internal investigation finding that the woman staffer had engaged in misconduct, but she admitted only to the photographs and was sacked from her job even though the men in question were adamant about the sexual molestation. The incident was hushed with no criminal conviction sought. Why this never drew a criminal investigation or made the newspapers bewilders me to this day.