TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Monday
Nov242014

Flynn

Firstly, thank you to all the brave souls that have told their stories here.

I found this site whilst at work and I almost broke down in tears reading some of the nightmares that people have lived through and for how long. I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years and the impact it has had on my life is profound. I am forever thankful that it lasted no longer than it did and that we brought no children into the world.

I remember clearly the first act of physical violence my girlfriend unleashed on me. It was whilst watching the bloody royal wedding. She threw her iPhone into my face, full force from 2 meters away. She always claimed that it was an accident, that she didn't mean to hit me but I knew, I had seen her face as she threw it. The rage and anger that had distorted her face had sprung up out of nowhere and it was a face that I would see many times over in the years to come. On this occasion it was over unfounded jealousy and booze. I was lucky in that this was the only time she connected with my face and the only time I had to go to hospital, although it wasn't for lack of trying. She threw full bottles of wine at my head, plates, glasses, remote controls: anything at hand.

A typical evening would involve an argument if I wanted to go to bed, being woken up when she finally stumbled in drunk, being kicked out of bed and onto the couch. 20 min later she would return to kick me off the couch and downstairs into my studio. 20 min later she would come to the studio door and if she found it locked and go into an absolute blinding rage, literally trying to batter down the door and screaming that I am never to lock a door on her. If i let her into the studio then I had to be prepared for her to smash whatever she felt like smashing. Finally she might wear herself out and I could cry myself to sleep.

This was at least a weekly event. I started to feel homeless in my own home. I couldn't get a decent night sleep, exhausted and fearful of the inevitable outbursts. I attempted one night to break the pattern, instead of retreating to a locked room and lying there as she tires herself out trying to break the door down I instead hid behind the couch and tried to sleep there. It worked in that she never found me, the down side was that I had to hear her drunken tirade as she cursed me out, sitting on the couch I was hiding behind. Vocalising what she really thought of me, not knowing I was 40cm behind her, crying silently and hoping she would just hurry up and go to bed and pass out.

There were so many days and nights like this, I began to realise that I couldn't remember the last time I had been truly happy, for a whole day without it being ruined by some argument or situation.

It was when I recently saw the list elsewhere on this site of the impacts on male victims that I realised just how deeply I had been hurt by that relationship. Except for the two impacts concerning children, since escaping from that situation I have struggled with all those other impacts and its been hard to get back on my feet. I've turned into a hermit, I'm depressed and tired all the time but with each day it seems like its all hurting just that little bit less. I've travelled further along the healing path and I'm starting to feel good about myself again, to regain my confidence and to know that I am not the only man struggling quietly with this issue is of great comfort to me.

Tell your stories Gentlemen, they deserve to be told.

Monday
Nov242014

Justin

I was in an abusive marriage for years. She verbally abused me from the beginning, the physical abuse started about 11 months into the marriage. It started out with slaps on the head for saying or doing something she didn't approve of. Eventually, it escalated into slaps on the body and sometimes in the face. A couple years later, I would sometimes get kicks and punches, including to the face and groin.

Now that I have been out of the marriage a few years, it all seems like a blurry nightmare. Even after a year of counselling, I still don't like to talk about it (I do so here to hopefully help someone else). Anytime I think about it, my body tenses and my mind starts racing. If I don't get it out of my head quickly, a feeling of panic sets in.

I remember being told to "man up" and being laughed at by people, including some of my own family members, who witnessed or heard about her abuse of me. Also, my ex wife was VERY aware of the attitudes and practices of society in general and law enforcement and the courts in particular. She would tell me straight to my face that she would make up a story about me accusing her if I ever called the police. Her sisters told me, again, right to my face, that they would lie to the police and get me arrested. All the things I saw in the media about domestic violence, being portrayed as "men are perpetrators, women are victims" issue just reinforced in me that I would never get a fair treatment if authorities got involved. The final straw that made me give up hope of getting official help came when I called a domestic violence hotline. The counsellor on the phone treated me like I WAS THE PROBLEM. She actually referred me to a batterer's program.

I only got away, finally, from the abuse when I became so depressed and withdrawn that I was having trouble functioning at work. Once my earning utility to her was threatened, I was then useless to her and the marriage ended. I desperately hope that things change dramatically in society. There are A LOT of male victims that need help (and future male victims that are going to need help). There are A LOT of female perpetrators (and male perpetrators in the case of gay couples) that also need help and, where appropriate, punishment. Something has to break the cycle.

Monday
Nov102014

Tim

My wife belted me and the kids on several occasions during our marriage and even chased me out of the house with a knife threatening to kill me. I have never laid one finger on her or the kids ever.

She is an alcoholic and the kids were often exposed to her bad behaviour. We lived under the same room but in separate bedrooms for 3 years. I then found out that she had been on the adult sex website adultmatchmaker after she failed to log out of the family computer.

I discovered that for over a year, she had been going down to the local car park by the beach in Bayside, Melbourne at night (when she told me she was going out for her hour walk each night) and had been having unprotected sex with several dozen strangers in their cars - with men she had met online and going to swinger events and have orgies and unprotected sex with large groups of swingers in Bayside.

When I confronted her about it, she called the police, took the kids from me and got an intervention order against me, because she claimed she felt I 'might' become violent. And that's all the police care about. As a man, you might and could have the potential to be violent. Therefore, under this current legislation, EVERY man is guilty already as we all have 'potential' to become violent.

I told the police she has hit me and she even agreed she had and that I'd never hit her. The police said, the system isn't fair mate, but your in a lot of trouble because your wife says she fears "you might" become violent after finding out about her private life and that's the law and how I breached her privacy by looking at her online sex activities with other men. I'm now facing charges and a criminal record for reading her history on the family computer, that I bought and paid the internet access for!

I have spent every cent on legal fees and been in the court system for 10 months now. I even have a court appointed family report saying that the kids should live with the father and even in the short term, the kids should not remain with the mother.

The judge said: "well, I don't really like moving kids from where they are! We'll leave all children matters or the final trial in 6 months time."

They should never have been taken in the first place, but I had no choice, no say and the police did nothing when she took them from me. It seems as a dad I have no rights at all, I am completely shafted by the courts and legal system. Nobody cares about dads. Women can behave badly, and do whatever they like and the court or police do nothing.

I have already been told, despite the court reporter clearly recommending that the kids live with me and that this is the kids wishes too, that it is extremely unlikely any judge in Victoria will change the current living arrangements, and in fact because there is no agreement, there is even a high chance that the time I already get will be reduced further in final orders.

COMPLETE and UTTER madness, injustice and unfair.

Men have little or no rights in Australia in the family court.

The sad part about the whole thing, the kids are not better off with her and should be with me (as even the court reporter noted). The court is not acting in the best interests of the children.

Women want equal pay, equality in the workplace etc but family law is far more unjust towards men than any of these issues.

Sunday
Nov022014

Ellie

My story may not be appropriate given the context of this site and I'm sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.

My name is Ellie and I used to hit my husband. A lot.

The best quote I ever heard about anger was: "anger is an emotion for those who want to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves", it's so true. I would get SO ANGRY every time something didn't go my way and I would lash out. I would shove, slap, punch, scream and bite. I would lose all control and become an unstable, frothing at the mouth, crazy woman and I would unleash my rage on my poor husband. Usually for some 'horrible' crime as forgetting something at the supermarket or not responding to a question in a way that pleased me.

I always found a way to justify it, "well if he would just LISTEN to me then I wouldn't get angry", I managed to convince myself that I was really the victim... he 'ignored' me and I was really the hurt party, why didn't he pay enough attention to the things I said? Why did he have to make me angry?

Every so often he would fight back, but mostly it was just me wailing on him until he escaped or I calmed down.

There were a few times I threatened him with a knife... I didn't mean it, I was just being a bully, but he did not know that and the look of genuine fear in his eyes will haunt me forever.

It's a horrible double standard... the few times he ever struck me at all were completely out of self defence and were not intended to cause harm, merely to put distance between us so that he could protect himself. Yet I know, had I called the police, he would have been charged.

Owning up to this kind of thing is not… easy. It was very difficult for me to realise this in and of myself and in all honesty I think I realised how wrong it was before he did, because more than just physically harming him... I had managed to convince him it was all his fault.

If he ever tried to leave I would threaten to harm myself and he would be too afraid, he cares about me and would not want to see me hurt.

I am prone to introspection and self reflection and yet it took me years to realise that I had become a monster, because I didn't want to admit it to myself, I didn't want to admit it to anyone.

I did admit it to myself and then I admitted it to him, out loud. I apologised and although the words felt... pathetic to me, how can you say 'sorry' for years of abuse... my husband genuinely appreciated them.

We are still together and I have not hit him since. We still argue sometimes, as people do. But I almost never yell, I never hurl insults and I never throw punches. Once I admitted it and apologised for it and genuinely realised what I had become… I knew I had to change and never go back.

I am a strong believer in equality for men and women of all races and sexual preferences and the stories I have read on this site just break my heart and I am not afraid to admit that they bring me to tears, because their stories are so raw and also because I contributed to the abuse.

As I said, maybe my story isn't appropriate but I felt compelled to admit it in a possibly public way because most women I meet seem to think slapping a man is somehow… empowering, as though the women who fought for us would be proud of them getting sassy and slapping a man. I have met women who outright and out-loud believe that a woman hitting a man is OK and a man hitting a woman is wrong.

I believe that all violence is wrong and should my story of shame give a violent woman hesitation or a beaten man a shred of realisation then that is one step further for me and for them.

Saturday
Jan112014

Anonymous

My wife and I have been married for seven years now and we have a four year old son from this marriage. Over the last seven years we have had our share of disagreements and conflicts. We have been able to either come to a resolution over a period of time to suit both parties or one of us agrees to accommodate the others decision.

Something has changed in the last two conflicts where I have been physically assaulted ( slapped once and more recently punched several times and slapped). I am afraid to report this to any authority for the fear of ridicule and becoming a social outcast. I don't want to lose my son and want to give him a happy family to grow up in. The thought of not being able to see him everyday is depressing.

After seeing this site and reading through most of the stories, my fears are only confirmed, that no one is going to believe me and/or I will be ridiculed by my family friends and even the authorities.

I have been a providing partner in every way for the last seven years. I am the only bread winner in the family, my wife is not working and sometime the feeling of sympathy makes it very blurry to make a decision that feels right. I don't want to be the person who breaks this family up. The guilt will be very hard to live with.