TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Oct152015

John's personal story

The big worry I have is that I have failed my sons. I have three sons and all of them have anxiety problems - I should have got them out of there. Kids are vulnerable - I can cope with living with a crazy person but they shouldn't have to. If any of my sons read this - James, Thomas and Tim, I'm sorry. I wish I had done more - I'm sorry.

Your Dad

Friday
Oct092015

Re Duced's personal story

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ONLY VIOLENCE

Female violence does NOT have to result in physical black eyes to be significant. It's a shame most stories you hear are of that extreme. Here is a different one.

PART 1 - the in-relationship violence

It began as a mistake. On us getting together a friend of hers told me, "just don't let her get angry with you" and shuddered. I laughed. I'm attracted to strong women, it's cool. If you're into astrology, which I'm not, I'm an Aries, she a Scorpio. An astrologer enthusiast said to me, "oh my, you must have some terrible fights". Indeed.

Verbal interrogation and control with the most explosive temper I have ever witnessed by far, were her modus operandi. Shouting tantrums were childlike, and she'd never back down, no way. After a while it became habitual, a constant. She got physical too, throwing objects at you her favourite weapon, and became a common event when her tantrums became tornado like, hard objects, not teddy bears, a glass smashing inches away from your head against the wall; once a full blown punch to the stomach swinging out of her rage; pulling the handbrake on at 100km/hr on the highway as the passenger as she's screaming her lungs out. After we split, death threats, a phone call telling me she's going to send some thugs she knows to beat the crap out of me with baseball bats; and realities, sending friends of hers to break into my house while I was away to take the fridge and washer and leave meat to rot all over the bench for my return.

I'd not experienced such violence in my upbringing. I grew up in a peaceful household and outside that had only ever witnessed a few people getting the shits type thing, including myself. This was a whole new level and I found it very disturbing, but tried to put on the brave face.

Causes of her anger I accept some responsibility, if not a lot of it. Much of her anger was sex based. She always wanted sex. I didn't. What I was doing in a relationship with someone who didn't arouse me I have no idea and accept the blame for it. For the first time in my life, I couldn't actually get an erection.

I find anger very unattractive and it made the problem even worse. She tried to be understanding at first, but eventually she started intimidating and taunting me that I was a sexual failure, that my penis was pathetic anyway. She even called my very non sex oriented mother up to tell her I was sexually inadequate, adding that I wont talk about it to her without getting violent. What? A psychological tactic of hers, spread dirt quickly.

Her favourite intimidation was her threatening to call the police and claim abuse. My method of handling her constant interrogation, harassment and verbal shouting, was to remain calm and not fire back. I'd discuss the issue, but remain calm in the face of her serious aggression. She'd just push it and shout. To her 100 shouting tirades, I'd reply with shouting back in defence one time. I could exaggerate but I'm not. As soon as I did shout back, she'd call the police. I had to grab the phone to stop it - which she called first rate abuse. It made me very uncomfortable and she knew it, so used it regularly, including when I disobeyed orders. One time she demanded sex. I had a serious back condition giving me acute pain, I said no, she ordered me to the couch, to which I refused, no shouting, and she'd do the call the police routine. I went to the couch.

I thought no meant no? And all this coming from a feminist? Wasn't the right to say no to sex a feminist war cry?

That's just a select few categories of her intimidation and violence. I could go on and on. It was daily, weekly, monthly. I was living in hell, scared to get out of bed in the morning for fear of the shouting that would confront today. I began to physically feel nerves tingling, endless nausea, and walked on egg shells, would extend work, stop at a McDonalds on the way home, checking the clock realising Ive been there 3 hours reading the paper, just to not go home. Being late you'd cop it sweet and sleep on the couch.

I'm no angel, I don't intend to portray me as such. For starters I'm a very unromantic partner, socially inadequate, hardly your prince charming, which she demanded. But yes I have a temper. I have anger. We all do. Though I generally control it, especially when in the face of a real aggressor. They intimidate me and I'll speak my mind less than I do with a weaker person. But I reach a point, that 1 in 100 times where I'll retaliate. When I get verbal I can really cut. I was beginning to lose patience with her attacks, fuck this shit, raising my voice in retaliation. You do this, you begin to copy the behaviour, it works for her, why don't I give it a try? Even throwing objects like the remote control I gave a try, but never at her, more childish tantrum like.

After an attack lasting for hours one night, I told her in anger to get out. You can't live under that violence, you just can't, and a child shouldn't have to see it, and he was beginning to. Including mine. Enough.

Part 2 - Use the child as a weapon, and really squash him, subtle violence.

To cut a long story short, she told everyone I was a violent abusive man. In mediation, she refused to allow me unsupervised access to my child, insisting I'm watched by her mother at her mother's place, some 6 hours return travel. It was a very uncomfortable, difficult and humiliating position. She claimed I was a danger to my child's safety. They believe that without any question. She cried just at the right times.

I swallowed it and did it. The most important thing being the child. After 12 months of tolerating this untenable torture perfectly, I insisted more freedom, which was refused, apart from a very small unreasonable window during the day with all sorts of conditions. She added assurance this would continue for at least another 5 years. The mediator sat in silence. He was highly incompetent at dealing with an overbearing woman.

On my first very brief excursion with him solo, a walk up town, she called me repetitively, threatening to call the police, that I was about to abduct him, all this hysteria. I was now 15 minutes late home for the strict deadline, running the last few hundred metres in fear. The mother in law was bitching to the ex on the phone about it as I entered.

It was very frustrating and I'd had enough. I threw my coat, robustly, onto the couch and said sternly but controlled, "I've had enough of this, you need to start treating me with respect, do you understand?"

She was no shrinking violet and told me the only way I could be treated with any respect was "if I paid more money".

I was insulted and infuriated, I'm actually very poor under large financial stress, and gave her a verbal spray. She stood up to me and argued back, which urged me on, and yep, I gave her a verbal spray, swear words and all. They'd hurt me with this nonsense revenge, intentionally, and I now wanted to hurt her. I left the scene in anger. I never physically intimated her once, I'm not that type.

But I'd taken the bait.

I road my bike down the highway at 240 km/hr and didn't give a damn if I got caught. I'm an experienced rider, skilled, and at that speed they wont catch you anyway, and I'd be in for the chase in any case. I was so upset. I knew that was it.

I called mediation and asked for another session, to rework this untenable situation. She refused any more sessions. There's nothing you can now do but go to court. I can't afford that.

6 weeks later, I was served with an AVO, claiming they were terrified to sleep at night, claiming a violent relationship, her as sweet little victim. 6 weeks later? Surely I'd have done the violence by now?

With 2 women crying and testifying in court that I'm a violent male, I figured I had no chance. I was deeply depressed and disturbed. To be accused of violence by someone who actually is highly violent, was too much irony to deal with.

I actually went insane; my hair long and unkempt; body unfed; no appetite; jeans hanging loose from protruding hips. A terrible sight. The sun had no heating effect on my body lying in it after waking at noon everyday. I felt like a vampire, without soul.

Friends wanted to know nothing about it. They're progressive pro-feminist male wary types, as I always was too. If a man is accused of violence to these types, you are violent, period. Other male friends are the opposite, 'women are just bitches' types. No intellectual stimulation there, but it was something at least, though empty.

If a court did pass an AVO on me with my being there, I feared I would not be able to mentally handle that. I didn't go.

All very foolish, but this is what trauma does to you. If they did give me an AVO in my presence, I had visions of riding my motorcycle into a truck after the court case. I was so upset. I loved my child and he me, and cried hopelessly watching videos of me making him laugh. I desperately wanted to be with him. But wiser to save my life and come back later.

The AVO was for 2 years, and after that separation, I couldn't go back to make contact. Too scared and intimidated, still am. There would and will be trouble. This woman knows exactly what to do and which strings to pull, a master of domestic violence. She would definitely have put the child against me by now, claiming victim of abuse. I believe she has a fantasy for it. I can't bear the thought of it. All I know is she's moved away and I have no idea where my child is and I'm not allowed to find out.

Worst of all is, now, after not going back, I'm the one to blame, and everyone tells you that - if you can get anyone to talk about it. I did lose my temper, and didn't go back. All else is irrelevant. She's played it brilliantly, I played it terribly. My child, that beautiful little boy I made laugh so hard, loses.

Domestic violence is deeply disturbing, especially the mental kind. I kind of wish she was just physically violent, it would be much easier to explain and deal with, oddly enough.

Thursday
Oct082015

Shane's personal story

My son was in a similar position re violent wife. Once when he was being attacked after many occasions he rang the police for help. They came took the wife and 2 children away to the wife's violent sisters place.

She was eventually put in contact with crisis people who would not listen to either my son or my wife's side of the story.

My son was denied access to the children for about 3 months until he employed a lawyer at considerable expense.

My son's wife also would take psychotic turns and completely ignore the children for up to 3 days at a time. On one of these violent turns she slammed the door on one of the children's hand which was badly damaged and had to be taken to hospital. During the time of these psychotic turns my wife would have to go and care for the children.

My son and us tried to get help for her with a number of Community Services Child Protection, marriage counsellors, mental health and so on. All went to speak with her but because of her Chinese heritage she would not admit she had a problem because she would lose face with the family so would not accept help.

They were only married for 4 years 11 months. She brought nothing into the marriage, but family law apparently says she is entitled to half my son's assets and his super and all the blame is put on him and the family law apparently takes all his rights away but the violent wife is not penalised one bit.

We applied for legal aid and were rejected because we had more than $2000.00 in the bank. My son's wife applied for legal aid and was given this, despite her having withdrawn a considerable amount of money out of their joint account and then having closed it. She hid the money so it did not show up in her bank account.

We advised her lawyer of this but no action was taken. He continued to act for her.

I think that the family laws are very unreasonable in some cases especially when the male is the victim and all rights are given to the female.

Thursday
Oct012015

Don's personal story

I am a male firefighter. I am a victim of family violence and my daughter is a victim of family violence.

When the Prime Minister of this country came out last week and stated “The issue of domestic violence, or family violence, as it's often called, which is just violence against women....”, then it not only makes my suffering feel less important – it makes me feel irrelevant, ignored, and invisible.

Family violence includes emotional abuse. It has impacted my life every day for several years in a form I can only describe as a living hell. I see no end in sight. I've had about eight hours of contact with my only child in almost five years despite spending a fortune and never stopping trying. I have been so ruthlessly removed from all aspects of her life that the only way I even know my child is alive is because I receive a report card in the mail. She's always on my mind and every time my phone rings I wonder if it might just be her.

Hidden epidemic? There is nothing more hidden than this family violence. Hospitalisation rates? In an instant I would swap this emotional torture for the broken bones of physical abuse because physical abuse can be diagnosed, medicated and set on a fixed path of recovery. Not so with this family violence.

Children see this violence? My child did not see the violence in the family dynamic to which I refer. No, it is much worse. This family violence hides in the robes of one parent, enmeshing the unknowing child and gradually orchestrating and authorising the child to sever their loving relationship with the other parent – in my case the entire paternal family tree. This is achieved through malicious intent, manipulation of a broken Family Court and exploiting the ignorance of an uncaring society.

How do victims seek justice? Believe me, there is no justice in this form of family violence and it will not change until parental alienation is acknowledged for what it is – Child Abuse and Ex-Partner Abuse. Alienators know too well they can accuse, abuse and contravene with impunity. False allegations are a common tactic. I believed perjury to be a crime. How many Australians know there is no offence for perjury in our Family Court? Meanwhile, the child buries the guilt of “choosing” to unnaturally erase their other loving parent, a burden they then carry for life unless it can be lifted from their shoulders.

When people say family violence needs funding and awareness I agree wholeheartedly. But our government decided not to denounce all family violence by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Instead they chose to allocate funds only to women and thereby imply that if you are a male victim your suffering is less important. I question why a government purportedly promoting social equality leads by inequality.

A measure of this counter-productiveness could be seen immediately after the announcement, when social media went into meltdown with a virtual online gender war. On one side stand the well organised army of mostly women who preach “equality” but demand precedence over men who may also be murdered or driven to add to the deplorable male suicide rate. On the other side stand mostly men who point out that, rather than whipping up hysteria against an entire gender, all violence should be condemned regardless of gender and that violence needs to be addressed at a generational level which is inclusive rather than exclusive.

So if our Government makes me feel irrelevant and therefore the welfare of my suffering child irrelevant, then how does it make those men without social ties feel, who are victims, have nowhere to turn and are one bad day away from making the ultimate bad decision? – whether that be their own life or someone else’s life, who will then become just another statistic.

Parental alienation is an insipid form of family violence but our Prime Minister has casually dismissed it. Our children deserve more than comments from government that portray family violence as “just violence against women” and actions that suggest our suffering isn’t even a blip on the horizon. PA isn’t just another term to be considered with family dynamics and unfortunate stories that happen to others. It is cruelty of the highest order, emotional torture beyond compare and it is about time society recognized it as such.

Friday
Sep182015

Len's personal story

I got married in 1986. Immediately, the control started. I was told I had to give up playing football or the marriage was off. Her family had put her up to this one and she dutifully carried out the ultimatum.

Next was that all forms of drinking or socialising with other males was banned. Resisting this control, occasionally I would arrive home after having a few drinks with work colleagues. No, I'm not a drunk or alcoholic. This would occur maybe one or twice a year at most. The result was always a hysterical session of verbal abuse accompanied by kicks, wild punches and objects being thrown. On one occasion she locked me out of the house and I had to sleep in the freezing cold in a car.

I was also denied any access to money and if any friends of mine showed up at our house she would lock herself in the bedroom and refuse to talk to them.

Fast forward to 2000. We've had 3 kids. I tell her I've had enough and want to separate. Truth is, I wanted freedom to go out and enjoy the company of good, kind, sane, rational women. She thinks I'm kidding. I tell her in no unqualified terms that I'm serious. She also gets evidence that I'm seeing another woman.

Suddenly, I arrive home 2 days later and there's a police car waiting for me. Two burly police officers (who were very polite and professional, I have no issues with them) serve me with an interim DVO evicting me from the house I was paying the mortgage on. All this humiliation right in front of the neighbours. The basis for the interim DVO? A statutory declaration from my ex-wife outlining how I was a "controlling" male who had beaten her and broken her wrist. She'd had a feminazi friend coach her on how to construct the narrative. My ex wife would often take all of the intimate affairs of our marriage to this interfering pig and between the two of them, they could always come up with a version of events that made me responsible for everything.

So I'm made homeless. What resources of the State or support is available to me? Nothing. But unlike other men who consent "without admissions" to DVO orders, I'm not going to cop it laying down. It outraged me that a person who had initiated 100% of the violence in our relationship and had been "controlling" from day 1 was now saying no, no, no, it wasn't me - that's actually him. What a manipulative sociopath. I organise a place to stay and a Barrister to represent me in a couple of days.

I contested the case and WON. Despite being made homeless and offered no support, in comparison she turned up with a free legal aid lawyer and some domestic violence support worker as her "comforter". This stranger was apparently allowed to sit in and hear a court case that was closed to the public.

Her story unraveled so badly in the witness box, even her own lawyer said, well, okay, we can't prove he's a physical abuser - but he is a verbal abuser. That didn't stick either, fortunately. And totally unprompted, during her own evidence she confessed things I had forgotten about!!! (I'm still angry at myself for not remembering). Like having kicked me up the arse really hard when I turned my back on her, then running off shrieking with laughter. And spitting in my face. Of course I could recall the kicks to the testicles and the mad flailing of her arms at me when arriving home after having had a few. I also recalled the mad swing at me with a vacuum head that left me with a permanent lump on my forearm. And the torrents of vile abuse. Fortunately I had an independent witness to it. A bloke who drove me home from work on one occasion. We were too late for her liking. She thumped at his window, scared the hell out of him and screamed "F**K OFF" when he told her how she'd frightened him.

So, I defeat her application for a DVO. Does this individual give up on the lies? NO. Because at the same time I was served with the interim DVO, I file a Family Court application for contact orders with my kids to overrule it. And that was ultimately heard 3 days after the failed DVO attempt. She filed an affidavit repeating the same discredited lies again, to defeat me seeing my kids. My Barrister dealt with it well, stood up and told the Judicial Registrar that the DVO application had been dismissed and the Magistrate had remarked that the only order he would have made was one against my ex wife, however no cross application for such orders had been filed so he had no jurisdiction. Like a lot of men, I didn't file a cross application for fear of being seen as a "sook" or "weak". I regret that seriously now.

The Judicial Registrar gave me all the contact orders I applied for and some - he expanded it to telephone contact as well.

My message to all Men:

1. Stand up to any false, malicious court applications made against you. Don't get talked into taking the easy way out.

2. If your female partner is abusing you, make an application to protect yourself. Everyone has the right to live a life free from violence.

3. Don't get sucked into these White Ribbon Days. I've read the material on their website. It trivialises women's violence against men and excuses it when it occurs due to the "power imbalance". If it's NEVER acceptable for a man to hit a woman, it's NEVER acceptable for women to hit men. Why are men targeted to swear oaths never to commit domestic violence? I'll swear 100 oaths when women are called upon to do it also.

4. There are good women out there. I did something I swore I'd never do - I got remarried. She is a wonderful, kind, intelligent woman who allows me to have my own life, independence, friends and judgement on what I will or won't do. I could have a lot of reasons to hate women and the "system" but I refused to let my ex wife have that power over me. I choose to live life happily and I know this bothers her more than anything else I could do.