TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
May112017

Ken's personal story

I met my partner in 2005 & we were both living in different states at the time, a romance ensued & I flew regularly to spend time with her. She fell pregnant very early and from here everything changed. I very quickly moved in support of the situation to be present for the relationship and the baby. Upon arrival I was treated to a screaming fit about my friendship with an ex-girlfriend, and other accusations & constantly bullied via verbal abuse, shaming and guilting and other forms of psychological abuse & control. I also endured abuse from this woman's mother who would simply walk into the house demanding dinner for herself and 1/2 dozen kids she would faerie around everyday, and would make demands about her access to my child like she owned her.

I moved us to a different state of Australia, because I believed taking the partner away from the abusive family environment may help. But her angry outbursts and aggressive behaviours magnified, I never knew what person I would find when I returned home and felt like the home was a minefield. She made frequent unreasonable demands for constant involvement in all household duties (cooking 4 nights week, cleaning, bathing child, etc, etc). She remained at home all day while I worked & I would come home and find the place in utter chaos? If I brought this to her attention I was abused and called a misogynist, and constantly berated about my input to the family. I transformed from a very outgoing, high-achieving & optimistic person into a reclusive, pessimistic & angry one. So much so, my family felt I was unrecognisable.

One year I tried to have my young adult daughter from a previous relationship live with us, the ex turned it into an absolute nightmare and verbally abused my daughter & kicked her out. Despite the fact I had raised her child as my own for the 9 years of the relationship. The ex also denied me the time and space to respond to a friend who was suicidal and needed a safe place, and was so unbelievably selfish and insecure she made it about proving she was more important? So sustained, directed and aggressive was her abuse that I eventually lost 3 jobs in just 6 months due to depression and stress & ended up in a psych ward.

We ended up in court twice for domestic violence orders, both times because she instigated physical assaults on me & I was forced to call the police to stop her. The second time she destroyed nearly $4000 of my personal items after unplugging the phone line when I attempted to call 000 to stop her. Fortunately the police wrote the order on her but she then went to court & filed a cross order on me. When all I did was try to recover an expensive device she was running off with while screaming “I'll smash this f**king thing”, & caused a small bruise on her wrist when I grabbed her.

Since leaving this woman 18 months ago she continues to use CSA, and the legal system (through grants) to harass and exploit me for increasing levels of money. Even though she has more than 80% of the family assets and was paid 3 times the nominated support. And has never offered settlement for relationship debts or the cost of the personal property she destroyed in a fit of rage. The amount of time I have to waste communicating with various agencies she sends after me, money for legal fees & the complete lack of support I have as a male in this situation are impacting on my emotional and physical well-being.

I feel utterly powerless to stop this woman who seems to be able to access unlimited free legal support & is now taking me to court due to her own refusal to agree to settlement of what she owes, so we can have a fair division of assets.

Friday
May052017

Mark's personal story

I was in my second relationship for 18 years having left my wife for this new relationship. Whilst my 2 children came and went in rotation, I spent most of my time with the new partner and her 2 children.

I became ever-more aware over time how difficult her circumstances had been whilst growing up, and the extent of the physical, sexual and emotional abuse she had suffered over many years, prior to our meeting. I am, as it turns out, a bit of a “rescuer,” and I was certain that she would be safe with me. And for a time things went well.

Her children were more outspoken and defiant than my own, and would unite against me and criticise me and call me names. My partner began to show an explosive side, and had difficulty managing her emotions and words at times. They seemed to be able to be mostly civil when my own children were with me. But that was only half of the time. I felt that I had chosen them knowing of past abuse, so it was my job to try to assist in any way I could and be forgiving as I could.

The violence however, began to escalate. Periodically there would be dramatic confrontations with me on one side and 1, 2 or 3 of them against me. Biting, scratching, punching…from them, not me. Apologies were thin on the ground. “When I run out of words I use my fists”. I was pushed through a plate glass door and survived. Into a painting which shattered the glass. Hair-pulling. Broken rib, multiple black eyes, bloodied face, many blows to the head, threatened with stabbing, thrown plates, tennis racket blows, upturned furniture, smashed with a metal scooter, (lucky I got my forearm in the way or it would have been my head.) She punched, or threatened to punch a number of my friends. Yes, there were physical altercations, pushing and shoving occurred. Yes I slapped her once with an open hand. I felt so sad, criticised and disrespected and it overcame me. I felt terrible afterwards. The projection from them was that I was the major problem, but violence has not ever been part of the rest of my life or any other relationships. I thought they would work it out sooner or later.

I didn’t feel there was any place to turn for support with this. All publicity was focused on battered women and kids. I called the Men’s Helpline in desperation. But the counsellor was very nice even though I was not the standard case he would normally deal with! I know it is in the minority of DV cases, but there seemed to be no specialised support mechanisms for what I was going through. Why did I stay only to be bashed again, sooner or later? I thought of it as a test of my unconditional love. “Maybe now, that I had been so damaged, they will finally see the error of their ways and return the love I had given for 18 years”. Just pathetic, really.

The make-up sex was always really great though and I was convinced this was how love goes, and I’d put it behind me and move forward.

As a man, it is embarrassing to say you have been beaten by a young girl, a young man, your woman. So you downplay it. I resolved to handle things better, to find ways to avert these problems arising before they became so heated. The yelling and name-calling was painful enough, but at least I could go to work visibly unscathed the following day. Often there would be a further stream of swearing and verbal abuse just before I went to work the following morning. My pleas regarding this only seemed to fuel her on. So I would turn up for work quite often really struggling but no option than to just carry on regardless, got to feed people and pay the mortgage.

In the end she left me, after her daughter died of a drug overdose. It is only now that I have begun to process and question how I learned to accept the abuse from 3 people who I loved, and the cumulative effect on me after many episodes over 18 years. What was I thinking?

Friday
Apr282017

Loving Mum's personal story

Myself and my son are family violence survivors. My daughter did not survive. But this post is about my son, who is only 7 years old and has suffered with immense anxiety since the day he was born, there doesn't go a day where he isn't anxious. He sees a psychologist every fortnight and is one of the smartest kids in his grade. Despite his anxiety he is a very happy boy that loves gaming and has a great circle of friends. We are now a stable happy family and I hope with the continued psychologist sessions he will continue to improve.

Family and domestic violence can affect absolutely anyone. Just because one statistic is lower than another doesn't mean that they should be ignored. Men deserve more than what they currently have.

Thursday
Apr062017

Max's personal story

I am grateful that you feature this issue.

I have been abused by my wife multiple times, both verbally and physically. After numerous violent attacks from her, I finally called the police for help.

They took her into hospital for a mental check up. The doctor there couldn't find out anything wrong about her and they put the attacks down to "hormone imbalances" as she was 4 months pregnant at that time.

The policeman who spoke to me - me having a shiner and other signs of her serious beatings - told me exactly what your article states, "...to just wear it on the chin..." and "...to man up."

He even said he was doing the same at home sometimes. Go figure!

Being newly wed, I stuck inside this violent relationship for another 12 months - a baby was on the way too - not an ideal time for a break up.

The violence from her continued, bearing in mind that I have never been violent towards her.

Desperate, I then sent a lengthy e-mail explaining the ongoing torture to the Psychological Doctor who initially assessed her as well as to the mental health nurse who knew her, asking for help.

By now I had been attacked whilst holding our baby in my arms.

Both Nurse and Doctor never got back to me or followed this up.

Prior to having a baby or the police being involved - when my wife first started being violent towards me - I contacted my wife's family, asking for help.

Their reply was that she was "my problem now" and that "I had to deal with her." Her parents are not uneducated either - her stepmother even being a nurse herself.

We now are separated but I have suffered from depression since this has happened last year.

I have not been able to go back to work and find the worst about it all is the absolute lack of support from the system.

Coping with this is hard as it is expected from a man to just deal with it.

Needless to say it has been devastating.

Hope the world wakes up to this, hence I wrote my story here.

Thursday
Mar232017

Nii's personal story

Reading about people's experience makes me believe I am not alone in this situation. I don't know who to talk to. Even if I knew, my current situation draws me back from going forward. I am an African married to an Aussie lady. We have known each other for 3 years and we met through a friend.

I was living outside the country when we met and gradually I came here going through all this paperwork. Initially, she was very nice, sent gifts to my kids and was very nice to me. 10 days after I arrived in Australia she threw my things away and locked me out for 6 hrs. I had nowhere to go and it was cold outside. The issue was I asked her to give me some time as I was talking to a male friend she is knows so well online.

After some time things got better then worse, I realised her sexual behaviour is so strange. She wants sex most of the time especially from 15th to 22nd. I told her about that and asked her to watch out for those days. She tells me she can't live a week without sex and I realised she has been with more than 8 to 10 black guys, so her sexual desire is too high.

I can't take it any more I need to have sex with her 4 to 5 times in week. And any day I refuse she will abuse me and keep me awake all night. I have developed back pain because of my work and this sexual lifestyle. I have so many recordings of her verbal abusive life on my phone. I don't know what to do since I am on a temporary visa.

She stops and fights with me for getting more shifts at work. I have 62 hrs instead of 80 hrs a fortnight. I don't drink and I don't smoke. I am a home boy. Every 4th night I support her sharing my salary with her. I give her 1600 AUD a month. All I want is for her to calm down on her swearing and lower her voice when she is angry. I get scared when she gets angry, she has physical abused me on several occasions. Squeezing my balls, pushing me against the wall, attacking me in the toilet and throwing things at me. I am really scared of my life. I need help.