TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Sunday
Nov022014

Ellie

My story may not be appropriate given the context of this site and I'm sorry if this offends or upsets anybody.

My name is Ellie and I used to hit my husband. A lot.

The best quote I ever heard about anger was: "anger is an emotion for those who want to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves", it's so true. I would get SO ANGRY every time something didn't go my way and I would lash out. I would shove, slap, punch, scream and bite. I would lose all control and become an unstable, frothing at the mouth, crazy woman and I would unleash my rage on my poor husband. Usually for some 'horrible' crime as forgetting something at the supermarket or not responding to a question in a way that pleased me.

I always found a way to justify it, "well if he would just LISTEN to me then I wouldn't get angry", I managed to convince myself that I was really the victim... he 'ignored' me and I was really the hurt party, why didn't he pay enough attention to the things I said? Why did he have to make me angry?

Every so often he would fight back, but mostly it was just me wailing on him until he escaped or I calmed down.

There were a few times I threatened him with a knife... I didn't mean it, I was just being a bully, but he did not know that and the look of genuine fear in his eyes will haunt me forever.

It's a horrible double standard... the few times he ever struck me at all were completely out of self defence and were not intended to cause harm, merely to put distance between us so that he could protect himself. Yet I know, had I called the police, he would have been charged.

Owning up to this kind of thing is not… easy. It was very difficult for me to realise this in and of myself and in all honesty I think I realised how wrong it was before he did, because more than just physically harming him... I had managed to convince him it was all his fault.

If he ever tried to leave I would threaten to harm myself and he would be too afraid, he cares about me and would not want to see me hurt.

I am prone to introspection and self reflection and yet it took me years to realise that I had become a monster, because I didn't want to admit it to myself, I didn't want to admit it to anyone.

I did admit it to myself and then I admitted it to him, out loud. I apologised and although the words felt... pathetic to me, how can you say 'sorry' for years of abuse... my husband genuinely appreciated them.

We are still together and I have not hit him since. We still argue sometimes, as people do. But I almost never yell, I never hurl insults and I never throw punches. Once I admitted it and apologised for it and genuinely realised what I had become… I knew I had to change and never go back.

I am a strong believer in equality for men and women of all races and sexual preferences and the stories I have read on this site just break my heart and I am not afraid to admit that they bring me to tears, because their stories are so raw and also because I contributed to the abuse.

As I said, maybe my story isn't appropriate but I felt compelled to admit it in a possibly public way because most women I meet seem to think slapping a man is somehow… empowering, as though the women who fought for us would be proud of them getting sassy and slapping a man. I have met women who outright and out-loud believe that a woman hitting a man is OK and a man hitting a woman is wrong.

I believe that all violence is wrong and should my story of shame give a violent woman hesitation or a beaten man a shred of realisation then that is one step further for me and for them.

Saturday
Jan112014

Anonymous

My wife and I have been married for seven years now and we have a four year old son from this marriage. Over the last seven years we have had our share of disagreements and conflicts. We have been able to either come to a resolution over a period of time to suit both parties or one of us agrees to accommodate the others decision.

Something has changed in the last two conflicts where I have been physically assaulted ( slapped once and more recently punched several times and slapped). I am afraid to report this to any authority for the fear of ridicule and becoming a social outcast. I don't want to lose my son and want to give him a happy family to grow up in. The thought of not being able to see him everyday is depressing.

After seeing this site and reading through most of the stories, my fears are only confirmed, that no one is going to believe me and/or I will be ridiculed by my family friends and even the authorities.

I have been a providing partner in every way for the last seven years. I am the only bread winner in the family, my wife is not working and sometime the feeling of sympathy makes it very blurry to make a decision that feels right. I don't want to be the person who breaks this family up. The guilt will be very hard to live with.

Saturday
Jan042014

John

I was in a relationship with my ex for 2 years. My ex was verbally and physically abusive towards me, to which my 14 month old daughter witnessed. She would constantly yell and scream at me for reasons I cannot understand. She would become abusive for no reason at all. I always thought that it was me. I believed that I wasn’t a good partner and a useless father to my daughter. I would feel like the size of a peanut. When she was violent she would shove me around the house, and yell abuse telling me I’m no good. My daughter started to cry, and I couldn’t get to her to protect her as I was getting punched and slapped by my ex. I spoke to some friends about what was going on, and they just laughed telling me to grow up, and be a man.

After the abuse my ex demanded sex, to which I said no. Whilst I was resting on the bed and so sad and licking my wounds she would rip my clothes off, and stroke my penis in an attempt to get an erection. I kept saying no, but she didn’t hear my constant word 'no'. She stated she wanted sex, and said 'if you love me and our daughter you will make love to me'. I kept saying no, and when I couldn’t perform, she’d hop off and slap my penis hard with her hand and say I was useless in bed, and 'I don’t know why you're here'. I was so sad. I just get the crap kicked out of me and she still wanted service which I was in no in frame of mind to do.

As a desperate cry for help, I spoke to police, who passed it off suggesting that I just leave. But I couldn’t. My daughter needed me to protect her, and I was in a financial hold by my ex. She used money to keep me at home. I couldn’t go out and visit friends for just half an hour. Instead I had to ask them to come over to visit me and to make a bbq event instead which I explained to police who ignored my plea. In the first episode I rang the police 10 times, and I even rang PAL (police assistance line) and explained the situation crying for help. The person at PAL took notice and sent a job to the duty officer who had to act. The police arrived and took my ex to hospital for assessment (she was pregnant at the time). I arrived soon after and my ex yelled at me telling me to get out of her house, and to pay her back money. I spoke to the Drs and pleaded to get it sorted. The only thing they could do was to commit her for 3 days for assessment. At my plea the Drs still released her to go back home. When she returned I copped it again and was blamed for calling the police. I tried to leave several times, but I couldn’t. I had nowhere to go and no support groups that could arrange emergency accommodation. It was stated that I wasn’t a woman and I didn’t have a child in my care. Time passed and my daughter was born, the abuse never stopped, and it continued with vengeance. It got to a point where I was emotionally and physically drained, and feeling so ashamed for myself.

Six weeks ago I decided to leave. So I ran leaving my 14mth old daughter behind. The police became involved again and took my ex to hospital. DOCS got involved and took my daughter into protective care. All through this I constantly spoke to Drs, but all I got was we don’t have enough resources to deal with this. What sort of excuse is that I replied. I’m getting the crap kicked out of me and that’s what you’ve come up with? Surely you can do better than that? But that’s all I got with the reminder that I can just leave my ex.

Since then I have been in the fight of my life. I have a lawyer and we are fighting for my daughter to have her in my sole care and to get her away from her abusive mother, and to somehow stop my ex from getting sole custody of my daughter. I have no money because I’m not working because I don’t have the ability to concentrate because of the emotional and physical abuse I’ve endured for 2 yrs, and somehow I need to return back home for court.

But during all this where was all the support? There is nothing out there for men, and nobody believes you as a man that you get beaten at home. We see it in the media that no means no to women and any form of violence is not acceptable. Do men deserve less because they are men?? I know that it will be tough for me at court to get my daughter back, because I’m a guy. For years the court has always favored the women when it comes to custody for their kids. The courts will not even think about it all because I’m a man. Today it’s hard for me. I feel that I’m to blame, and at times I feel that to save my daughter and I should return home and cop the abuse in silence, and never speak of this again to anyone! I never spoke to police about the constant sexual assault, because I knew they would only laugh harder and make jokes at my expense!

Thursday
Dec192013

Ron

After getting married in 2004 and then having 2 lovely children in 2005 and 2007 my wife decided to separate in January 2009.

After a relatively calm 2009, she started putting VRO's on me in November 2009, I fought all of them and they were only for alleged driving past her house. However when I tried to bring up the fact that I was receiving private number hang up calls which i believed were coming from her at the VRO hearings I was told no, not allowed. At the time of the alleged drive by's of her house I was living over 50km away from her all of which was through city traffic. One of the VRO's was voluntary withdrawn when I threatened to go to the Family Court. The next was transferred to the Family Court. The next VRO was fought in the Magistrates court and again I brought up her deliberately driving away from her home after leaving the Family Court and driving slowly in front of me down as low as 60km on a freeway. I have photos of  all of this. But again to no avail in the Magistrates court after all of the arguments the Magistrate eventually granted a 1 year VRO of 200mtrs from her house, no other penalty, In response I asked it to be increased to 20km and 20 years as I didn't ever want to see or talk to her again. This is all on transcript, I can prove all of what I say.

She next placed Caveats on all of my properties.

Next in the Family Court, i asked for the caveats to be discussed, twice I asked for the caveats to be discussed and was ignored both times by Magistrate Stewart.

Next I asked for subpoenas' on the booking agents that booked our 3 motel units, she told the booking agents that I wasn't an authorised person, Magistrate Stewart again made me ask 3 times for 1 subpoena against 1 booking agent, there are approx. 10 booking agents. In the mean time she asks once for subpoenas against all of my bank accounts and is granted it, nothing untoward is found. Magistrate Stewart later grants the same subpoena again a year later with the same result, nothing untoward is found. At the same time im now renting a room in a different location approx. 60km away from her and she names this address in the Family Court. I bring this up and it gets ignored just like everything else. By now the properties are being repossed by the banks as no payments have been made since may 2009. Including my place of work which I owned in my name, a small computer shop, the Family court gives her the right to sell it, and so even though I am legally entitled to a reasonably amount of time to packup and remove my belongings she turns up and enters my shop with her very hefty nephew  and threatens me, I call the police who tell her to go away but also tell me to stop making trouble. I didn't cause any of this because if the caveats had've been discussed earlier then it wouldn't have happened.

To this day I've not been interviewed by the Police about any of her allegations.

To this day the Family Court has not imposed any penalities.

I've now not had any form of contact with my children since may 2010.

Because of whats happened I will not have contact without a court order to protect me.

I've again applied for contact with my children on August 5 2013. No decision has been made.

All that's happened is that 2 thriving small business and nine properties have been destroyed and lost and im now renting a room and am on the dole.

All thats happened is that I've been removed from my role as a parent. 

Ive now won 4 SSAT hearings in regards child support. The last hearing she refused to even attend and refused to supply documents even under the order of the SSAT.

All evidence now points to her lying continuously in both courts but of course there is no "oh sorry we got it wrong lets do it again" and me not being able to have my say. I will be presenting my case to the "Panel to judge the Judges" which is being setup in WA.

I regard all of what ive gone through as violence against me in particular and men in general by her and her family, by both the Family Court of Western Australia and the Fremantle Magistrates Court.

When ex prime minister Gillard started the child abuse inquiry I thought great ill get my chance to tell my story, but alass no once again, its only about physical abuse not mental abuse which is what my children and I have and now are suffering and will continue to suffer.

I ask the question "Does miss Gillard condone emotional and physiological abuse of children (and men)?" because it certainly seems that way.

I now have problems with trust in regards women, I now have emotional and physiological scars and stress issues, i now regularly get chest pains when stressed.

There is much, much more, this is only a précis of 4 years of hell.

Monday
Aug052013

Meg

As a female who has been abused by both males and females I feel the need to apologise to all of you who have experienced such grave miscarriages of justice. Society should be doing better, and our support services need to really take a close look at what is allowing them to continue discriminating against males in terms of the supports offered - counselling, housing, etc.

I know of a male who was asked to give the children back to the mother as he wouldn't qualify for housing and if he applied for it he would be considered unsuitable. The mother was beating HIM AND the children and yet child protection felt the best place for the children was with the mother. They told the father that if he did a runner with the kids that it would look bad in court.

When I made the change from Teaching to Welfare, I had a furious argument with my lecturer who tried to convince me that all victims are female. That was when I knew there was a problem with the system. I knew this was not true as I'd seen my father being consistently overpowered by my mother to the point that when he left her she screamed down the phone at him when he was at work and he returned but the abuse continued. My mother and brother perpetuated the cycle of abuse - hers was against myself and my father, my brothers was against the rest of the family. The police had to pretend to arrest me for questioning to get me out of the house and away from my mother.

So I knew the lecturer was wrong. I became so incensed with proving this woman wrong I started ringing and challenging my local hospitals, local police station and what consistently came back was 'we don't know the statistics on male victims.' 'they rarely admit it and when they do they are talked out of it by their mates' etc. It was saddening. I then dug deeper. There are NO men's refuge shelters that allow children and the reason given is that it's because of perpetrators also going to refuges. There are things that can and should be done.

Why should men have to leave their children behind? Why should't the women be the ones who have to leave - regardless of gender, the perpetrator should be the one who leaves and an automatic retraining order needs to be put in place regardless of opinions of the powers that be.

I live in East Gippsland (Bairnsdale) and I am going to be joining forces with some local welfare agencies as well as people in the community who are interested and we WILL start doing something about raising awareness to the issues at hand.

But as I have said, in the meantime, please, even though I know I was not your perpetrator/abuser, I do want to say I am sorry for what you have been through, what you are going through and what you may go through in future.