TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Monday
Aug132012

Tony

It all started when I was introduced to this woman by a mutual friend and we went on a couple of dates. The first time I went to her house she wouldn't let me leave except to go to work, and became agitated and physically restrained me when I wanted to go home. She also insisted I come to her house straight from work. Of course I could see straight away that this woman had serious issues and was quite afraid for my safety, so I did a runner after a few days. I was too scared to stay at my own house because she knew where I lived, so slept at work for a few days, after which, being Navy, I was going to sea for two months, so I called her and told her I'd had to leave on my trip early and didn't think it would work out between us.

I got home after 2 months and she was there waiting for me, she said she was so sorry for acting crazy and it was because she had come out of an abusive relationship, and had been waiting for me because she thought I was worth the wait. That's when I made the biggest mistake of my life and felt sorry for her, because I thought everybody deserved a second chance. For the next 3 years she continually abused me both verbally, physically, and emotionally and I was continually trying to get away from her, but she was an absolute master at forcing me to stay with her. If I tried to talk calmly like two adults to end the relationship amicably she would fly into a rage, physically restrain me to stop me walking out the door, threaten suicide and start running around with a knife, or bottle of pills, or start beating her head against a wall, throw away her money and claim that she was going to starve herself and her son (from her previous relationship), and if I did get out the door she would chase me down the street screaming and throwing punches at me. She knew what worked on me because she knew I would always feel sorry for her son and stick around for his sake, or just give in because I hated the 'public scenes' she would create.

Sometimes I would call her bluff and stay away, but my weakness and her ability to manipulate me always dragged me back, for example she would purposely starve herself and her son and then call everybody to tell them how they were starving because I had run off with all the money and abandoned them, even though she had a full time job; the abusive calls from her relatives would always make me go back because she had manipulated them to believe she was a perfect little angel, or she would ring my work 50 times a day every day demanding to speak to me. Whatever she had to do to force me to come back, she would do.

She seemed to be so full of malice, she revelled in abusing me and putting me down until she broke me ie: curled in a ball in tears, and it amazed me how she could have absolute poison coming out of her mouth about somebody and then be so friendly to their face. She often told me how she liked to have me around to take out all her frustrations on. She spoke of hearing voices in her head telling her to do bad things, and the voices only went away when I was around.

After 3 years of holding me prisoner she had successfully abused me into being totally submissive to her, I literally sat on the floor at her feet like a dog and asked permission to do everything, including going to the toilet, going to bed, to start cooking dinner etc. I had also learnt the best way to prevent her constant verbal abuse from escalating was to continually repeat to her "everything you say is right, everything I say is wrong, you are good and I am bad, I should listen to you more carefully and try harder to be how you want me to be", whilst sitting on the floor at her feet.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get away from her. I was a broken man and she forced me to marry her. I knew it wasn't a marriage because I wasn't a willing party and didn't even want to be with her, she knew this and didn't care; she just wanted to possess me. I tried to get help from the police several times but they immediately looked at me with suspicion and openly demanded I admitted to abusing her. Every domestic violence support service and mens help line I called refused to believe me and accused me of being the perpetrator rather than the victim. I had lost all my friends and my work was suffering badly because I had changed from a happy go lucky guy to somebody that was depressing to be around.

6 months into the marriage some work colleagues that had known me for years knew something was horribly wrong. They reported it to a social worker who helped me get away from her, through some pretty horrible experiences that happened when she (my ex) knew I was going to get away from her. I was given accommodation on the base where she couldn't get to me, whilst she was put in a centre for mental illness patients.

That's where her revenge plan started. She called me to let me know that she was going to 'get' me and embarked on a campaign that I had been beating her and sexually abusing her son. She was a master of lies with this as well; one example of many is she had an x-ray of a broken finger which she took to domestic violence support centres and told them "we had a fight and my finger got broken", wheras the truth was that I had locked myself in the bathroom in fear for my life when she had worked herself into a frenzy and broke her finger trying to kick and punch the door down to get at me.

She went to the police, the Catholic church, everywhere she could think of that would listen to her. I of course started getting attention from authorities from these false accusations so got legal advice. My legal advice told me straight out that when it comes to a woman's claims of domestic violence, there is a difference between the 'truth' and the 'law', and that even though the claims are untrue, I would be in a world of trouble if she got any of these lies to stick. I was advised to give her whatever she wants if it stops her making these claims. Because of this she learnt she could extort every cent I earned out of me simply by demanding I empty my wallet and bank account and give it to her in exchange for her not making another false claim to the authorities. This is even after she took every single asset of any value after I got away from her.

After 6 months of living in poverty whilst she got both her own wage and extorted mine, I had no choice but to leave my home and move away where she couldn't find me. It's been 9 years since I got away from her and she still tries to contact me through friends, the latest one being she wanted a new car, but thank GOD she hasn't been able to get me. I have been able to heal to a fair extent but I still struggle to trust people and my faith in human nature is gone. I miss the old me before I met that devil, I was full of hopes and ideals and believed in such a thing as romance. I can't bring myself to be like that anymore, but I thank GOD I was able to get away from that horrible creature.

I would love help to work through this and become again who I once was, but there are no support groups for people who have been through this like me; we are just accused of being liars. I know a friend of a friend who is living this kind of nightmare right now and don't know how to help him. I want to talk to him to tell him it's not right and to get away, but his wife only lets him out of the house to go to work and he is not allowed to have friends, I hope he gets away before its too late and she drives him to suicide or something.

Friday
Aug102012

Simon

I am a victim of domestic violence

I looked at your website tonight, wow, 4 years ago when I had her arrested, I thought I was alone.

It's been a couple of years now, and I check on this website from time to time to see if we are getting anywhere.

Turns out getting her arrested was a smart move.

We get on well, we went to mediation run by the Anglican Church but she was still agro so then I took her to a lawyer (mediator) and I don't know what happened but she left me alone.

There's still some residue, questions on how I live my life but I am free, free, free. Oh boy it's been 4 years and I can't tell you how horiffic it is to lose yourself but how wonderful it is to get me back!

Still a bit annoyed about giving her the AVO she put on me the night the cops arrested her. The cops said “It's tit for tat.”

I said “well if it's tit for tat let her have it then.”

The cops said “No, AVOs have teeth, treat it very seriously.”

So I let her have the AVO. I was thinking of the future - the future when the punching stops.

Discretion is the better part of valour, eventually we managed to keep our 3 year old out of it.

My daughter is a happy 7 year old now.

The mediator at the Anglican service said “gee, I've never seen two people try so hard to do this” or words to that effect.

We said, “Oh shucks you are just encouraging us.”

He said “No way, I am serious. 99 per cent of people come here and argue. You two are putting your child first.”

We worked out earlier that if you put your children first your arguments:

1. Don't seem that important

2. and if they are important you get them sorted quickly.

Put your kids first.

The second mediator said the same thing.

He reckoned me and my abuser were unique in our sorting out and protection of our child.

Here's a word of advice to anyone living in hell:

CONTACT THE POLICE

It doesn't matter what happens to her, you cannot live like this.

Community healthcare also offers Psychological Counselling for free - make use of it.

The female counsellor is usually booked out for yonks, while the male counsellor is usually available.

Remember, you are not alone!

Friday
Aug102012

David

I just read a study from the UK that said women are more likely to be violent than men. In almost every case the violence is started by the woman. However the man is always blamed. In cases where the man chooses not to defend himself he is still likely to be the one charged.

In my personal case every woman has been the same: constant abuse and intermittent violence then theft of all personal affects when you finally have to go.

My advice to all men is get out as quickly as possible. Remember anything you do not take on the day you go is lost.

Never call the police. I was referred to a female officer who told me 'you are not a real man if you cannnot defend yourself'. When I replied I was a black belt and former army officer who chose not to be violent, she still refused to charge the offender.

If you ever date a women again do not live with her. If you are eventually attacked, at least you can make her leave or go home to safety. Make sure you use contraception as women can abuse children to get at you after you are long gone.

It's a sad world we live in.

Tuesday
Oct042011

James

Well I met my ex-wife in 1995 while studying at TAFE. In the beginning, everything was lovely, however what became apparent is that we would argue like clockwork every three months about anything and everything. With J always winning the argument and demanding an apology with flowers.

Between 1995 to 2000, I was studying accounting at TAFE. Unfortunately my grades were not that great and I was being pressured by J to get a job. So I was offered a position at a tyre store to which J was watching the conversation and interrupted by saying that I'll take the job before I did. Now at this point it is important to note that J came from a well-off family and mine not so. What this meant for me was that J was used to the finer things and wanted it all now: a house, a flash car; go out to dinner every week, etc.

So I was pressured into doing better at work to get more money, so I climbed the ladder from tyre fitter, to wheel aligner, to sales, to assistant manager, manager and finally buying our own franchise. Obviously, that was not good enough for J so she went and had a talk with her parents about a house.

J and I married in 2000 we moved into the new house in 2001, during this time things started to happen...

I had to do all the cleaning chores i.e.: washing, mopping, dishes, dusting, plus all the outside chores, and anything else J wanted.

I was never asked to do these chores I was told to do them.

From the day we met until we divorced, J systematically removed me from my friends, they became her friends, and ended my friendships with these people.

Because I didn't socialise anymore I was expected to keep house, no dirty dishes on the sink, rubbish bin was only able to get 3/4 full before I had to empty it, beds made, and I was only allowed to watch her shows on television and DVD. In addition, later when our daughter was born I was the live-in baby sitter whenever J wanted to take off at the drop of a hat.

I cannot remember exactly how all the other stuff happened so I will just list them:

J would put my underwear in my lunch bag in an attempt to humiliate me to my co-workers who might see them whilst I was getting my lunch. When arriving home she would make a song and dance about how my workmates saw my undies and whether I was embarrassed. J did this three times before she gave up.

Came home from work on a 40c+ day to find a tray of meat on the counter and that J demanded a bbq. So I went outside to light the wood-fired Weber barbeque then to cook the food, I was told not to come back until the meat was cooked so one hour later in 40c+ heat and no shade dinner was cooked.

Then there was little things, hide my smokes or ration them, constant put downs, where has all the money gone, etc.

J was good at withholding sex to the point the longest time was two months, so I would pleasure myself. J being who she was would humiliate me because of her withholding sex, “Have a good tug did ya, Bet that wasn’t as good as me! Argh you’re no bloody good anyway I’ve never had an orgasm from you anyway!”

Then towards the end of the marriage J started to do the provoke thing while in an argument: “Come on buddy boy just try it, go on hit me! The cops will be here so fast you won’t know what hit you. Then my Dad will get the lawyers onto you, and then you’ll be sorry!” Later when my daughter was born, J would like to add, “You’ll never, ever see my daughter again just you wait and see!”

I would like it noted that during this time I was no saint, I was having an affair with the mother of my first son before I got married.

Then in 2006 October, I had immense back pain to find out that I needed a triple spinal fusion on my lower back. Well in December of that year, I had my back operation and then in my life everything went pear shaped.

We were told to sell our franchise by the said tyre company, I had my first breakdown (suicide attempt, deep depression, burnout) in March of 2007 hospitalisation was required for a few days.

Of which J told doctors “I don’t want him home.” To which the reply was "he is on medication and has an appointment with a psychiatrist in two weeks." Well because I was at home since my operation J started her usual routine of "get up, do something, go and get a job. Depression... get over that, it’s in your head.” At this time, I was still taking morphine styled drugs for my back and J wanted me to go out and get a job. Therefore, with a suit and tie I attempted to go to an interview. The interviewer took one look at me and said, “I can see you are going through some tough times right now and I can tell that you are in no position to be here. So why did you come?” I told the truth my wife made me, to which the interviewer said get some help and be with your family.

In July of 2007 doctors diagnosed me with bipolar two again J was not having a bar of that. “Don’t forget to take your stupid pills you need to get better.” With a sarcastic tone.

To her credit, J was trying to run a business, which she had no idea about, and look after our daughter.

Well August 2007 rolled around and all the stress of wife, business, child, running a house and my own health finally got to me and I had a second breakdown (suicide attempt, breakdown).

J very pissed off packed the car, child and me and took me to the ER of our nearest hospital. Once I was taken to a secure room J asked doctors if I was ok with them. "Yes," was the response. J promptly left me at the hospital alone. It wasn’t until some time later that I found out from my parents that on the next day J had rung my parents to tell them “Come and get all of James stuff or I’ll throw it all out in the street.”

I spent the next five weeks in hospital trying to get better. J had started a campaign of text messages saying how I had stuffed the business up and how her dad was going to get the lawyers on me. We were texting like mad one night fighting about the business, my health, our daughter, separating that J obviously had had enough and actually called the hospital to ask them to take my mobile phone off me. Then a few days’ later J just rocks up with our daughter so I could see her and then asks the nurse if she can go and leave our daughter while she goes to the shops for an hour. Thankfully, the nurse was clued in what was happening and quite clearly stated that I was a patient and does not have the legal right to look after anyone in my care whilst being a patient. That really upset J that she had to sit there for an hour and watch me play with our daughter.

Wrapping up...

The business was sold and so was the house to pay for the outstanding debts.

J and I separated after my last visit to hospital, which led me to organize divorce paperwork. Divorced in April of 2009.

I have moved in with the mother of my first child and we are very happy together to the point that we are getting married in 2012.

I see my daughter every second week for seven days.

If it weren’t for my insistence to complete my counseling course, I would not have realized my own life being a victim of family abuse and violence.

It is truly amazing what the brain blocks out and represses memories for you to continue your day-to-day life.

Through my course to become a counselor I now know what area I want to get into and would welcome any chance to get involved counseling male victims.

Alone we suffer in silence, no-one knowing of our pain and heartache.

Together we stand as a crowd to show that male victims exist and that we need help too.

Wednesday
Aug102011

Steve

I was in a relationship for 6 years and we have one little daughter who is now nearly 11. I was 41 when she was born, as was my partner. When I met my partner she had told me she had been "victimised" by the NSW police for exposing corruption. Please understand that this was in 1997 when police corruption was a real hot issue, Wood Royal Commission etc. Anyway it was not until years later I learned she had been dismissed from the police for being psychologically unsuitable.

She assaulted me several times, used to threaten to kill herself in front of me and the child on a daily basis. I reported her to the police but quite honestly someone there is protecting her because even when someone she knew (who I only got to know a little later) reported her to the local police for conspiring to have me murdered (by this time I had moved out) still the police did nothing. At one stage I was living in a granny flat owned by a serving officer and he was amazed at the amount of times the police would seek me out because of all the false allegations she had made, but when I was actually assaulted (when holding my daughter) still the police did nothing.

She has systematically wrecked my career, I have no wish to ever have any other relationship. I am 52 and quite prepared to live like a monk if it means that no one will try to destroy me like she has. What does hurt is that I am totally alone, my little daughter is all the family I have and I am prevented from seeing her. The family court is so biased it is enough to make you sick and the child support agency have accepted totally false claims from her, no evidence and keep threatening to take what possessions I have left. I have now been fighting this woman, who is obviously in need of mental help, for over 7 years, just to clear my name and see my daughter.