TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Thursday
Oct082015

Shane's personal story

My son was in a similar position re violent wife. Once when he was being attacked after many occasions he rang the police for help. They came took the wife and 2 children away to the wife's violent sisters place.

She was eventually put in contact with crisis people who would not listen to either my son or my wife's side of the story.

My son was denied access to the children for about 3 months until he employed a lawyer at considerable expense.

My son's wife also would take psychotic turns and completely ignore the children for up to 3 days at a time. On one of these violent turns she slammed the door on one of the children's hand which was badly damaged and had to be taken to hospital. During the time of these psychotic turns my wife would have to go and care for the children.

My son and us tried to get help for her with a number of Community Services Child Protection, marriage counsellors, mental health and so on. All went to speak with her but because of her Chinese heritage she would not admit she had a problem because she would lose face with the family so would not accept help.

They were only married for 4 years 11 months. She brought nothing into the marriage, but family law apparently says she is entitled to half my son's assets and his super and all the blame is put on him and the family law apparently takes all his rights away but the violent wife is not penalised one bit.

We applied for legal aid and were rejected because we had more than $2000.00 in the bank. My son's wife applied for legal aid and was given this, despite her having withdrawn a considerable amount of money out of their joint account and then having closed it. She hid the money so it did not show up in her bank account.

We advised her lawyer of this but no action was taken. He continued to act for her.

I think that the family laws are very unreasonable in some cases especially when the male is the victim and all rights are given to the female.

Thursday
Oct012015

Don's personal story

I am a male firefighter. I am a victim of family violence and my daughter is a victim of family violence.

When the Prime Minister of this country came out last week and stated “The issue of domestic violence, or family violence, as it's often called, which is just violence against women....”, then it not only makes my suffering feel less important – it makes me feel irrelevant, ignored, and invisible.

Family violence includes emotional abuse. It has impacted my life every day for several years in a form I can only describe as a living hell. I see no end in sight. I've had about eight hours of contact with my only child in almost five years despite spending a fortune and never stopping trying. I have been so ruthlessly removed from all aspects of her life that the only way I even know my child is alive is because I receive a report card in the mail. She's always on my mind and every time my phone rings I wonder if it might just be her.

Hidden epidemic? There is nothing more hidden than this family violence. Hospitalisation rates? In an instant I would swap this emotional torture for the broken bones of physical abuse because physical abuse can be diagnosed, medicated and set on a fixed path of recovery. Not so with this family violence.

Children see this violence? My child did not see the violence in the family dynamic to which I refer. No, it is much worse. This family violence hides in the robes of one parent, enmeshing the unknowing child and gradually orchestrating and authorising the child to sever their loving relationship with the other parent – in my case the entire paternal family tree. This is achieved through malicious intent, manipulation of a broken Family Court and exploiting the ignorance of an uncaring society.

How do victims seek justice? Believe me, there is no justice in this form of family violence and it will not change until parental alienation is acknowledged for what it is – Child Abuse and Ex-Partner Abuse. Alienators know too well they can accuse, abuse and contravene with impunity. False allegations are a common tactic. I believed perjury to be a crime. How many Australians know there is no offence for perjury in our Family Court? Meanwhile, the child buries the guilt of “choosing” to unnaturally erase their other loving parent, a burden they then carry for life unless it can be lifted from their shoulders.

When people say family violence needs funding and awareness I agree wholeheartedly. But our government decided not to denounce all family violence by anyone, anywhere, anytime. Instead they chose to allocate funds only to women and thereby imply that if you are a male victim your suffering is less important. I question why a government purportedly promoting social equality leads by inequality.

A measure of this counter-productiveness could be seen immediately after the announcement, when social media went into meltdown with a virtual online gender war. On one side stand the well organised army of mostly women who preach “equality” but demand precedence over men who may also be murdered or driven to add to the deplorable male suicide rate. On the other side stand mostly men who point out that, rather than whipping up hysteria against an entire gender, all violence should be condemned regardless of gender and that violence needs to be addressed at a generational level which is inclusive rather than exclusive.

So if our Government makes me feel irrelevant and therefore the welfare of my suffering child irrelevant, then how does it make those men without social ties feel, who are victims, have nowhere to turn and are one bad day away from making the ultimate bad decision? – whether that be their own life or someone else’s life, who will then become just another statistic.

Parental alienation is an insipid form of family violence but our Prime Minister has casually dismissed it. Our children deserve more than comments from government that portray family violence as “just violence against women” and actions that suggest our suffering isn’t even a blip on the horizon. PA isn’t just another term to be considered with family dynamics and unfortunate stories that happen to others. It is cruelty of the highest order, emotional torture beyond compare and it is about time society recognized it as such.

Friday
Sep182015

Len's personal story

I got married in 1986. Immediately, the control started. I was told I had to give up playing football or the marriage was off. Her family had put her up to this one and she dutifully carried out the ultimatum.

Next was that all forms of drinking or socialising with other males was banned. Resisting this control, occasionally I would arrive home after having a few drinks with work colleagues. No, I'm not a drunk or alcoholic. This would occur maybe one or twice a year at most. The result was always a hysterical session of verbal abuse accompanied by kicks, wild punches and objects being thrown. On one occasion she locked me out of the house and I had to sleep in the freezing cold in a car.

I was also denied any access to money and if any friends of mine showed up at our house she would lock herself in the bedroom and refuse to talk to them.

Fast forward to 2000. We've had 3 kids. I tell her I've had enough and want to separate. Truth is, I wanted freedom to go out and enjoy the company of good, kind, sane, rational women. She thinks I'm kidding. I tell her in no unqualified terms that I'm serious. She also gets evidence that I'm seeing another woman.

Suddenly, I arrive home 2 days later and there's a police car waiting for me. Two burly police officers (who were very polite and professional, I have no issues with them) serve me with an interim DVO evicting me from the house I was paying the mortgage on. All this humiliation right in front of the neighbours. The basis for the interim DVO? A statutory declaration from my ex-wife outlining how I was a "controlling" male who had beaten her and broken her wrist. She'd had a feminazi friend coach her on how to construct the narrative. My ex wife would often take all of the intimate affairs of our marriage to this interfering pig and between the two of them, they could always come up with a version of events that made me responsible for everything.

So I'm made homeless. What resources of the State or support is available to me? Nothing. But unlike other men who consent "without admissions" to DVO orders, I'm not going to cop it laying down. It outraged me that a person who had initiated 100% of the violence in our relationship and had been "controlling" from day 1 was now saying no, no, no, it wasn't me - that's actually him. What a manipulative sociopath. I organise a place to stay and a Barrister to represent me in a couple of days.

I contested the case and WON. Despite being made homeless and offered no support, in comparison she turned up with a free legal aid lawyer and some domestic violence support worker as her "comforter". This stranger was apparently allowed to sit in and hear a court case that was closed to the public.

Her story unraveled so badly in the witness box, even her own lawyer said, well, okay, we can't prove he's a physical abuser - but he is a verbal abuser. That didn't stick either, fortunately. And totally unprompted, during her own evidence she confessed things I had forgotten about!!! (I'm still angry at myself for not remembering). Like having kicked me up the arse really hard when I turned my back on her, then running off shrieking with laughter. And spitting in my face. Of course I could recall the kicks to the testicles and the mad flailing of her arms at me when arriving home after having had a few. I also recalled the mad swing at me with a vacuum head that left me with a permanent lump on my forearm. And the torrents of vile abuse. Fortunately I had an independent witness to it. A bloke who drove me home from work on one occasion. We were too late for her liking. She thumped at his window, scared the hell out of him and screamed "F**K OFF" when he told her how she'd frightened him.

So, I defeat her application for a DVO. Does this individual give up on the lies? NO. Because at the same time I was served with the interim DVO, I file a Family Court application for contact orders with my kids to overrule it. And that was ultimately heard 3 days after the failed DVO attempt. She filed an affidavit repeating the same discredited lies again, to defeat me seeing my kids. My Barrister dealt with it well, stood up and told the Judicial Registrar that the DVO application had been dismissed and the Magistrate had remarked that the only order he would have made was one against my ex wife, however no cross application for such orders had been filed so he had no jurisdiction. Like a lot of men, I didn't file a cross application for fear of being seen as a "sook" or "weak". I regret that seriously now.

The Judicial Registrar gave me all the contact orders I applied for and some - he expanded it to telephone contact as well.

My message to all Men:

1. Stand up to any false, malicious court applications made against you. Don't get talked into taking the easy way out.

2. If your female partner is abusing you, make an application to protect yourself. Everyone has the right to live a life free from violence.

3. Don't get sucked into these White Ribbon Days. I've read the material on their website. It trivialises women's violence against men and excuses it when it occurs due to the "power imbalance". If it's NEVER acceptable for a man to hit a woman, it's NEVER acceptable for women to hit men. Why are men targeted to swear oaths never to commit domestic violence? I'll swear 100 oaths when women are called upon to do it also.

4. There are good women out there. I did something I swore I'd never do - I got remarried. She is a wonderful, kind, intelligent woman who allows me to have my own life, independence, friends and judgement on what I will or won't do. I could have a lot of reasons to hate women and the "system" but I refused to let my ex wife have that power over me. I choose to live life happily and I know this bothers her more than anything else I could do.

Friday
Sep112015

Brendon's personal story

Like all of you, I have been a victim of domestic violence. And like most all of you I was lead to believe it was all my fault.

I was in a relationship (engaged to be married) to a woman who became one of my best friends for several years before engaging into a relationship with her. She had me convinced she was a funny, smart, easy-going and relaxed, so I fell in love with this side of her.

In the 8 months we were together, we got engaged after just 3 months and found out she was pregnant shortly after. Now I know what you're all thinking "oh this guy couldn't handle a hormonal pregnant women" but I assure you the issues and the violence against me was far from 'just hormones'.

My ex fiance would enter complete raging "tantrums" at the slightest ill-doing, being verbally abusive, and on several occasions physically abusive, throwing all sorts of manner at me, including remote controls, pillows, magazines, books, fists, practically anything that was within reach of her. She became extremely controlling, taking over my personal affairs such as my email, Facebook, and even my online banking account. She would log on to my Facebook, pretending to be me and abuse my friends for the apparent reason that they posted something she didn't like, or they were female friends of mine and we had some sort of chat history. She would check my online bank account daily, check text messages and phone calls on my phone. I couldn't even do the things I loved, surfing and fishing, for the pure reason that I was alone and I might be up to something else. This became so bad the only things I was allowed to do by myself was go to work and go to the local shops within an allocated time frame (often 15 minutes or less and it took at least 5 minutes one way to get to the shop from our house). If I forgot something, I was told I was useless, and I would be a pathetic father to our unborn daughter, I felt about the size of fly scat more often than not.

I wasn't allowed to see my family, or friends as I was told if I did she would leave and take our daughter away to where I couldn't find them. Everything was a threat, everything became an ultimatum of if I did this or that she would beat me, or leave with our daughter, or in some cases she would kill me, and she would describe in great detail how she would do so too. I became terrified of my life, she was so unpredictable I was scared to go home to her.

We'd argued no less then 2 or 3 times per week, often more, about all sorts of things, the majority of them seemed insignificant to me, but to her they were the most important things in the World, she was always right even when she was so evidently wrong.

The mental effects of this constant belittling and abuse was overwhelming to the degree it affected my work performance, my relationships with my family and friends. It got to the point my team leader just had to say something, to give me a card with the phone number of a psychiatrist on it and told me to call them. He could see where I was heading, he could see the dark place I was going and probably wouldn't return from.

After seeing the psychiatrist several times I had my plan, I had to leave, no matter how hard it would be to 'abandon' my daughter, I just had to go. I felt embarrassed and ashamed and blamed to the point suicide seemed an easier option than leaving. I felt so isolated, I couldn't talk to anyone, not my family, not my friends, otherwise she'd know, and God help me what she would've done if she found out I was talking to them about her and our personal life.

I owe my life to making that one phone call, to reaching out and gaining an understanding that violence against men IS NOT O.K. and that you CAN talk to someone, even if you do what I did and saw them during work hours. I never knew violence against men was so common, and knowing now how scary the facts are. If there is one thing I take away from this experience it is that IT IS O.K. to tell someone, if your mates make fun of you, tell someone else, don't give up, there are people who care, and never feel isolated, as so many of us go through it at some stage of our lives.

Sunday
Aug022015

Lilly's personal story

I have a friend that I care a lot about who is a victim of domestic violence. For years he had been ringing me and telling little bits about what she had been doing to him. At first I said what have you been doing for her to get so angry but as time passed and he told me more about her violence and controlling behaviour I told him to get out of the relationship.

Everyone in his life was telling him to leave her. Eventually after five years they broke up and that is when he confided in me the truth about what she had been doing to him. For nearly their whole relationship she had been verbally, emotionally and physically abusing him. This included using the most vile language and degrading names at him, telling him and her work mates constantly that he was useless and no good and that he was the abusive one. Physically she hit, punched, slapped, threw things and eventually drove her car into him. On this occasion he called the police and they believed him that she did it. Unfortunately he did not agree to press charges as they have never believed him in the past and he did not want her to get into trouble.

His life has been a nightmare for years. He is back with her again and I firmly believe that one day she will kill him. she is a psychopath and I believe that she did the same thing to her ex husband. I hope he finds the courage and gets help to enable him to leave but I don't think he ever will. He knows that the relationship is a disaster but he can not bring himself to leave. She has brainwashed him into believing that he loves her and that he is totally useless and worthless.

How do you help someone that just does not seem to want help as they can not see their future on their own before they are well enough to have a relationship with someone who truly cares and would treat him well. To my friend please please get strong enough to leave. You deserve so much better. Take care