TELL YOUR STORY

If you are a male victim of family violence - domestic violence, violence from other family members, child abuse, elder abuse, sexual assault, or other forms of family violence and abuse - this page is available for you to tell your anonymous story. Please click here to tell your own story. If you feel like you need support, please click here. Stories are moderated to prevent the posting of spam, so it might take a little while for your story to appear on this page.

PERSONAL STORIES FROM MALE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE AND ABUSE

Saturday
Dec122015

Tim's personal story

I met my partner 20 years ago. And over the course of those years, I've watched her take every bit of self esteem I ever had. The constant verbal, emotional and financial abuse was 24/7. Complaining about how I'm dressed, drive, interact with people, every aspect of our relationship was controlled by my partner, to manipulate and destroy my confidence.

We had recently moved interstate, for a new life, with me moving first, and four days later my partner met up with me. Those four days without her, had changed me from a empty shell, to someone who was happy with confidence. When my partner met up with me she made the statement I had changed to someone she didn't like. The only thing I noticed about myself is that I was happy. So my partner turned up the negativity, the “put me downs” and returned me back into that empty shell. That's when I realised I was a victim of domestic violence.

Now I'm waiting for her to visit her relatives interstate next month before I make a dash for freedom. In the meantime it's holding a poker face so she doesn't sense something is up. Because I'm now scared that she will drive me to self harm. The one thing I've learnt about been a victim is that domestic violence creeps up on you, without you being aware. The control of your earnings where your partner is buying you a tin of fish for your sandwich for work only to find out the tin of fish was two years past the expiry date. It was bought for you because it was cheapest. Where your combined earnings was over $75,000, but you haven't got a cent in the bank. Or your self confidence has been stripped away from you that operating a BBQ is near impossible. Or you're working three jobs to pay off a $20,000 credit card debt, that you have no idea how the debt got so high, only to be told by your partner that you're lazy, and you should work harder.

To have no enjoyment of money is even harder, to having every cent scrutinised and not allowed to have, but yet you still go to work with no enjoyment from the fruits of your labour. And the worst is every friend you have is pushed away from you. The hobbies taken away from you because you're not making your partner the centre of the world. To live in fear, because you don't know what mood your partner is going to be in when she gets home from work. Or when your mum passes away, being asked if any money has been left to you, within days of her death.

Yes, men being victims of domestic violence is very real, and I pray society starts to address this. Meanwhile I hope I can make my escape soon. To leave her now would be too dangerous, because of my vulnerability.

Friday
Dec112015

John's personal story

Nothing I ever did was good enough. She always told me I was pathetic, fat and lazy. She told me that I needed to find a better job if she was going to stick around. One day I asked her to please stop and she went into a rage and tried to hit me, just as her brother walked in. I grabbed her arms to protect myself and when she spotted her brother she started sobbing “stop hitting me”. Her brother knew the truth and offered some support, but she told our friends I was abusive and most of them wouldn't speak to me.

This sort of thing went on almost daily for 5 years but then things seemed to improve over a period of a few months. I thought “at last she knows how much I love her”. Then she walked in one day and said she was leaving me and had been having an affair with one of her brother's friends. She also took several thousand dollars – emptied out joint account – and said “this is my compensation for putting up with you”. I would see her from time to time in the small town we lived in and all she would do was to stop, point and laugh out loud, screwing with my mind long after she left me.

Friday
Dec042015

Jackson's personal story

It is sad for me to say that I am one of the one-in-three, but I am so proud and honoured to be surrounded by so many brave people. My male partner of three years has had instances over the course of our relationship of being abusive towards me. This was mostly due to his bad upbringing, and his lack of coping mechanisms, decision-making skills, or anger management. He had made threats, he had been verbally abusive on multiple occasions, he was manipulative, and he would psychologically try to undermine my self-confidence.

All of this changed 6 months ago when I gave him one final chance, after he moved interstate and we tried a long distance relationship- I set down the rules, and said to him that if it continued, that I was done with him. I said to him that there were three deal-breakers for me-- if he ever cheated, touched drugs, or was abusive to me, that I would walk. He understood, and we tried starting anew.

However, two weeks ago, when I was visiting him interstate, his insecurities and lack of control got the better of him. During a fight that we had one night, he verbally abused me and claimed that I was cheating on him with my best friend (which was completely false). I warned him not to speak that way about me, and he violently took my phone from my hands as he feared what I would do. The next 10 minutes saw him become infuriated as I told him that “it was over!” He is bigger and stronger than me, and physically tried restraining me, bending my arm backwards to the point I thought it would break. He left bruises on my arms and legs. He also held me down on the bed, threatened to “bash my head in”, and claimed he would kill my best friend.

I was forced to leave the next morning, spending all my savings on an emergency flight home. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it. Because I knew that if I tried doing what I had always done, if I tried to “fix it”, if I apologised when I had done nothing wrong, that I would be enabling his bad behaviour, succumbing to an abusive partner, and letting myself down. I took a stand against him. And he blew his one final chance with me. Now I am pursuing a relationship with that best friend that had “caused all the issues”, according to my ex. My best friend is loving, caring, treats me with respect and dignity, and has helped me so much. Hopefully this can be a reassuring story for any other men who feel they are “stuck” in a relationship, particularly those like me who are in a homosexual relationship and may be more vulnerable. You can do it- you are strong and important, and you can be happy. You are better to be happy alone than sad with someone.

Friday
Nov272015

Alice's personal story

My father is a victim of domestic abuse.

My mother would scream and abuse my father for hours on end. It went on like this forever. She held tiny things against him. Such as how he farted one time 20 years before (I kid you not) and would rave for hours. She also told us about his girlfriend before he met her. She'd show us pictures and insult him based on his past girlfriend (whom he'd dated decades before this happened) She even made sure my 7 year old brother knew about it.

It got worse when one day when I noticed my dad had a black eye. My mum justified it as “I was so angry.” I hated her for doing that. Being angry wasn't an excuse.

Things got even worse after the first punch. He would often have black eyes, she did her best to humiliate and financially cripple him. He provided well, we had 2 beautiful homes, news cars every other year, designer clothes… It was never enough.

Seeing that she'd become a villain in her children's eyes because of her constant physical, emotional and financial abuse of our father, she decided to turn us against him.

She would pick small things, perhaps a smudge on the bathroom mirror, and abuse one her children for hours. She would then turn to our father and scream at him to “Be a man and smash their face in!” She would always try to convince him to hit his own kids for small things, and eventually for no reason at all.

She would abuse my father for hours, hitting, screaming, all of it. Trying to get him to attack us because for no reason at all. He never did, and to his credit he never hit her back either.

One Christmas Eve she'd abused him all day, when it came to night she'd forced him to sleep on the living room floor (the lounge was too good for him) He was reading a book my brother had given him as an early gift. My mother ripped it to shreds and kicked him in the face.

He would never leave, she kept getting pregnant, saying things like “The older kids have a choice whether they see you or not I get to make the choice for the baby” in her exact words. He couldn't even go to the corner store without having to bring a family member with him.

She's cheated on him constantly throughout their marriage which has spanned decades. One time when she started beating him he pushed her away. She threatened to charge him with abuse. She told everyone how abusive he was for pushing her away, despite her decades of violence.

She would seduce whatever friends he had left. Leaving him with nobody.

Male Victims of abuse, I ask that you report your abusive partner, don't live like this for decades like my father has done. Nobody deserves the mental, emotional, physical abuse that my father was put through because of one evil woman. I beg that any abused man reading this get's out of his abusive relationship before he realises that decades have passed.

Men are victims too.

Friday
Nov132015

Scott's personal story

I still struggle with the fact I have been a victim of domestic abuse from women. It is so ingrained in me that DV is only perpetrated by men, and after reporting several instances to police and friends, I am well aware of the laughingstock view society takes towards male victims.

I have a few stories, I hope they may help.

The first was over ten years ago. Classic bunny-boiler. She was nuts. I wasn't really into her, but she was keen and we started dating. I thought ‘why not, let's see where things go.’

A very short 3 month relationship that I ended, afterwards had 100's of threats, phone calls, ‘how dare you's’, physical threats from family members and when I called her back after 25 calls in one night and left a message on her answering machine saying ‘LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!’ I witnessed for the first time the process of having an AVO placed against you.

I was petrified, had never been a violent person and never been in trouble with the law. I found a lawyer who proposed I file an AVO against her after hearing my case, which I did. I wish I didn't. I was ridiculed not only for filing an AVO against a woman ('What, can't you handle yourself mate?'), I was also accused of doing it out of spite. Her AVO was thrown out, my AVO against hers stood for 2 years and was renewed twice after she kept sending cousins around to heavy me. I had to leave my house and move out of town to get away from this psychopath.

The second, was much more subtle. 7 year relationship. Nice girl, in comparison to the previous one. Moved in together fairly quickly. Thought she was great. Family and friends all spoke about how nice she was. The emotional abuse however, wasn't. She'd frequently do the silent treatment, withhold affection, even abandon me in the middle of nowhere and storm off. Then she started getting physical. Would hit me in the middle of the night. Constantly ridicule me for anything she could find. I thought that was her culture (from a land where gameshows are particularly cruel), but it went beyond the casual belittling in front of her friends. She started to get particularly violent, and harass, manipulate and abuse me at any opportunity. It descended into damaging my personal property, waking me up at all hours, especially when I had a new job or important meeting, and I went through 8 jobs in 7 years as a result. Finally after she permanently scarred my arm I managed to get the balls to turf her, but she still stalks and harasses me from time to time.

Police? No point getting them involved. I've been to the ‘victims room’ in court as a victim and turfed out, told it was for ‘women only’. Courts simply do not recognise the fact that men can be victims too. They're more concerned that a woman in the victims room will have a ‘trigger’ or ‘flashback’ from seeing a man than actually protecting a man who has had threats levelled against him if he shows up to a court hearing. Waste of time and a terrible injustice against men.

The third, was obvious from the start. Only a short relationship, but by this stage I could identify the traits from the start. She had a ‘history’ of tens if not hundreds of ex's that she told me about from the very beginning. All of them painted in a terrible light. Alarm bells. She was negative about every other person in her life and painted them in a terrible light when talking to me. Alarm bells. But for the first time, this got really serious. She repeatedly punched me while I was asleep. Yelled and screamed abuse at me. Then in the morning, was all sugar and roses. She'd talk about how much of a ‘victim’ she was while abusing the crap out of me. Would constantly demand I drop everything, friends, social life and charity work to see her instead, only to belittle me or use me as an emotional punching bag to offload her crap about how terrible her day was.

And the good news? Finally, I saw it. I saw it for what it was. And I called it. I called her on it. And she ran.

The lesson here for me, is recognise abuse in its early stage. And get the hell out. It's much easier to do.

There are horrible human beings out there, and some of them happen to be beautiful looking women. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself. You deserve better and they'll end up horribly alone and lonely, whinging, abusing and projecting their negative image of men onto everyone they meet.

Don't do it.

Get out.

Now.

Brotherly love to all you guys going through this.